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GOOD SHABBOS
11 March 2010

 

Dear All,

The weather is actually very pleasant, BUT….the odd storm is still very ‘Skrikky’ and of course they cause havoc…….and now they have started working on the M1 on the weekends, sooooooooo you just have to be lucky to get anywhere on time……Total chaos, at any time of the day/night…

The Super 14 has not really reached any heights this season yet , with not one player really showing any brilliance, and very few rising stars at the moment….It was again a dismal weekend for the Souff Effrikken teams, with many loosing, and the Lions were close, BUT….the Sharks were ‘baie’ (very) close, BUT…as ‘Naasty’ Botha  says….it’s what is on the scoreboard that counts, and it is 100% correct………The Stormers stormed in with a solid 33-0 win against the Highlanders, and Habana showed he still had what it takes…..even ‘ol Schalk Burger was GR888888888…the Bulls of course had a rest this week…….and are still top of the log…..really ‘kak’ that Heinrich Brussouw is out for the season, as the ‘BOKS’ are gonna miss him…badly…..
Springbok Pharmacy is of course the place for Sportsmen /Women to get all their ‘Pille & Brille’ …The BOK pharmacy is the largest private one in the ‘Beloved Country’….try their prices, BUT….above all , their service…Manny Gien has been at it since 1963…Mmmmmm same year I left Lichtenburg (our local ‘Yiddisher’ chemist there was Sonny Cooper who lives in Joburg also….). www.springbokpharmacy.co.za
A ‘Lekker’ short story of the real Invictus http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4vlFQA-t9w
Maccabbi are having their next STAG on the 17th March, with Ray Mordt as the guest speaker….. http://stantgsm.com/list_info.php Ray was Tukka a GR8888 Shpieler, and a speedster….his 3 tries in the Tri-Nations against the ‘Schvartzers’ will be remembered fore ever …………..

An aspiring young rugby player could not understand why he was not in the club 1st team
Eventually after 6 months he approached the coach … Coach,why am I in the 2nd team ?
Coach replies ...BECAUSE WE DO NOT HAVE A 3rd TEAM.. ( Einaaaaah…..)

I might ramble on about ‘Rugger’, BUT..I do not like the game…’I LUV it’……and yesterday I went to watch King David Linksfield play Victory Park…..and I must say that ‘Rugger’ was the winner……made one proud to see such a ‘Grayser’ crowd at a ‘Yiddisher’ school ‘nogall’…and well behaved…the schools stopped playing against each other due to ‘shlegg’ behaviour by the ‘Shpielers’ and ‘Parents’ in the past…..Methinks that the game could have been much closer, IF Victory Park, took good options instead of trying to run every ball, and a few kicks that were goal able at the beginning would have made the difference….The ‘swak’ option taking in the second half cost them a few scores, and of course allowed Linksfield in with two soft tries against the run of play…..VERY ‘Lekker’ afternoon’s entertainment….lots of ‘Grayser Knackers’ at the game……see pictures at; http://stantgsm.com/list_pics.php  Good luck to the KDHSL ‘Shpielers’ going on the Aussie tour in April…..always play the game / ball …NOT the player ……….

 Tukka looks like the English Cricket team, could be a ‘Bok’ team, with more & more Souff Effrikken’s making the National side………………

The Sokka 2010, has passed the 100 days MARK, and everyone is very happy with the Stadiums, as they are ‘Bakgat’ and finished, except for the Bombella one, which does not seem to be able to grow grass, as 60% of the stadium is built on clay…Mmmmmmmmm…see that my original prediction just under 4 years ago was right…..The ‘Beloved Country’ would be lucky to attract 500,000 tourists…….BUT….it looks like it will be a sellout on the ticket side (FIFA says soooo..??) and the locals will absorb the extra tickets , which means losses on the horizon for Companies, B & B’s, Hotels etc that were expecting many more tourists and have geared their businesses toward a larger influx…….

Following on last weeks mention of the ‘old’ NFL…and a few of the ‘Yiddisher’ clubs like Highlands & Rangers , got the following website which has been updated , and Martin Cohen (my Class at Highlands in Std 6-1966) keeps it going..  www.expro.co.za  The website really has some GR8888 moments on the best days of Sokka in the ‘Beloved Country’ …and a big ‘Shakeach’ to Martin Cohen for keeping the ‘Golden Years’ alive……..

Again I stress that not ALL the Manne can get tickets, so have a good look at the KCC viewing room for Sokka games, central, parking, 5***** Food & Beverage, and a GR8888 opportunity to entertain Clients and reward staff…. For details see www.kccfootballviewingrooms.com  and contact me for further details…… OR Gregg 082-7769393 . Really great for 12 friends who want to watch 5 games, and do not want the hassle of choosing a home to go to…..a PLUS is that those requiring ‘KOSHER’ can be accommodated……Methinks this will be the ONLY ‘KOSHER’ viewing room area for SELECTED games…..

Don’t forget the SASFIN / Selwyn Segal Corporate Quiz on the 13th.May @ the Sandton Sun…. E-mazing evening, and what a networking opputunity for corporates….. http://stantgsm.com/list_info.php  Got a quiz question for the evening, and when I sent it to Raelene she wanted to ‘Slag’ me….
WHO PLAYED SOCCER FOR SCOTLAND AND CRICKET FOR ENGLAND  ??
Take your time …… Denis Law & Ian Botham … now shoot me!!
( no one said same player..?? ) The quiz questions are REAL ones….) Book already..

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown (a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth) with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; 
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth. ( An Aussie fishing story….)

With Pesach upon us, the Sydenham Shul has arranged a Pesach EXPO…at their New Shul Halls and have some VERY interesting discussions and demonstrations on offer, with Rabbi Yossy Goldman discussing the concept, Shelley Geffen doing a Cookery story, and Kari Berkowitz doing a décor demo for a ‘Lekker’ Seder table ……and Fancy affairs supply the table settings …there will also be ‘Pesachdikke’ wine on show…see http://stantgsm.com/list_info.php  … for bookings …… 011-640-5021
The MATZA MAN .. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Olg1efSlvLg

Bafana Bafana - Season Tickets
Two ‘Yidlach’ walk into the Sokka City ticket office and ask to buy season tickets.               
The Lady behind the counter asks "Are you circumcised?"
The ‘Yid’ replies "Yes, of course!"
The lady then says "I'm sorry, sir, but you have to be a complete dick to be a Bafana Bafana fan..."   
 
The New Kings Hotel in Seapoint, is offering the ‘Full Monty’ for Pesach…. And it is a brand new Hotel, right next to the Spar, on Main Road, around the Corner from the President & Peninsula……looks like it is going to be a GR8888888 get away…. http://stantgsm.com/list_info.php   …. see for details….it is close to many Shuls and ‘Yiddisher’ places of interest…………GR8888 Pesach break……

The Umhlanga Chabad  has some GR88888 ‘tips’ on Pesach , and their B & B is also offering ‘Pesach’ packages…. ‘ Gib A Kuk’ www.chabadnc.com/pesach

Paul was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
Paul: "Waiter, didn't you hear me say 'well done' "?
Waiter: "Yes sir, and I can't thank you enough, sir; I hardly ever get a compliment." Oy vey!

Yad Aharon have their pre Pesach Radiothon on the 25th. March, and it is going to be a ‘Humugous’ one……last year they just clipped the Million mark….maybe 2 this year…??? Only YOU can make it a reality…..see
http://stantgsm.com/list_info.php for details.....and  …. Don’t be a Nogshlepper..

I’ve got a feeling – A Shabat song  … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GW-frPw2oI
Cold Chopped Liver - Cantor Henry Rosenblum  Click here: YouTube - Cold Chopped Liver - Cantor Henry Rosenblum

Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.
 They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.  
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ,"
 says Sister Helen .
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.  Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him ‘your’ cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off the windshield you little Mumzer….! "

I am planning a trip to Tooo-Run-Tooo in September for my ‘Cuzzies’ Zunnelle’s wedding…My Cousin, Prof Sheila (Hall) Weitzman is the sister of my ‘old’ Stan & Pete partner, Sarge (Norman) Weitzman , and the whole family are planning to go to Tooo-Run-Tooo for the wedding….been 5 years since we have all been together….. not sure how long we will go for, and the wedding is 3 hours out of Too-Run-Tooo……suppose it will be getting ‘Chillie’ already…?? Gonna see my Chavers at Birnam Travel for the Travel arrangements, as they always got a good deal…..and do the work for you….Online booking is not for me…..and then of course next year is the ‘Rugger’  World Cup in New Zealand and I hope to go there and meet up with ‘Sarge’ in Oekland…in the ‘Land of the Long White Cloud’…Trust me…’The Home of the greatest ‘Rugger Shpielers’ down the years….  www.birnamtravel.co.za

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts. He bumps into Murphy and says, "If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?"  Paddy said, "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!!" ...............Murphy says, "Four!"  (Einaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah……..).

See Car of the Week advert and click…Gary has some E-mazing seconds hands for sale….soooooo besides the car of the week, he has many more…..
http://www.stantgsm.com/cars

I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point. ……………….
The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently it's Effrikka…………. What were you thinking…….Nooooit…..

Did a ‘Locum’ at Daniel  Riesenberg’s Barmy…..brought many memories, as Zaida Issy used to stay at our house in Lichtenburg in the early sixties, when he used to be a traveler for the Gramophone record company…..and stayed near my ‘Cuzzies’ the Weitzmans in Francis Street, Yeoville in the 1950’s….Did Daniels Mom & Dad, Rodney & Terry Soloman’s wedding ‘Amolikke Yoren’…..was a wonderful evening….. Mazeltov to the Bobba’s & Zaida’s Issy & Sybil Riesenberg & Wendy & Issie Soloman.....The 3 Riensberg Broers, Rodney, Steven & Mervyn were all 3 highlands North high Boychix’s…..and of course many of the guests were ex Highlands ‘Manne’, like BIG (Larry) Alge, Levin, Forman etc…..and of course MR. BMW-Gary Alge……Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’.. Pictures http://stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

 
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A Rabbi meets a couple and asks them how many children they have.
The woman replies: We aren't blessed with any yet!" So, the rabbi says:
Let me write down your names and place a note in the Kotel for a blessing.

 Five years later he meets the woman again and asks her, so how is the family?
 Well rabbi, she says, We have been blessed with 10 children; two sets of twins and two sets of triplets. E-mazing!! He says, I would very much like to congratulate your husband. Where is he?
 He is in Israel, she replies.
 What is he doing there? Asks the Rabbi.

Looking for the note you placed in the wall!!

Drove across the Jukskei this week to Pretoria, and I have seen the total chaos on the Joburg roads, BUT…the Pretoria highway is also in a mess, and why they undertook sooooo many extentions, repairs and new roads, & bridges all at once, I will never know…….going to Pretoria was slow, BUT….the opposite side coming through Midrand ( Old Half Way House) had a one hour queue, soooo when I was finished I took the Kempton Park road back, and that was also chaotic, with all sorts of drums, makers, stones etc, all over the place, and I eventually got back to Joburg……I will Tukka think twice about going out of town till after the Sokka 2010 Cup, BUT….methinks that all these reapirs and also the Gautrain, cannot be finished (not nearly) in 90 days…Noooooit (never) and of course after the Cup, things will go back to a snaols pace…..I would hate to be in a business that has to do deliveries, as the weekends are just as bad, as they close large parts of the Highways……..Mmmmmmmmm

Sex and Sunshine 
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now
58,000,000 are kissing.
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
1 old timer is reading emails   …..       You hang in there, Sunshine 

The ‘Balabosses’ (JZ) visit to the Queen & London was ‘Tukka’ a shambles, and one wonders why he never had the RIGHT answers, and they just let rip each time he put his foot in it….Locally Zapiro the cartoonist, took him to the cleaners.and the British press also ripped him apart….BUT….the ‘Skande’/ Chutzpa  of the trip was that he actually asked Britain to lift sanctions against ‘Uncle Bob’ in  ‘Zim -BOB-We’…that is Chutzpa with sooooo many pressing issues around….it looks like we will Tukka have to wait for ‘Uncle Bob’ to ‘Starb Avek’ (die) before Zim-BOB-We can try and get back on its feet…Quite E-mazing after all the brutes (Beau’s…???) they have had in Effrikka like Idi Amin and all the rest….

As the Butler at Buckingham Palace read the menu,the waitress comes over and asks Zuma  "Are you ready to order?" Zuma replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie!"

"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the past situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu!" She walks away. 
Prince Phillip leans over to Zuma and says,  

"It's pronounced Quiche.”... Old boy….. (Yislaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaik………)

The Sandton Shul has now completed the ‘MAKE –OVER’ of their website, and it is worth a look for various activities offered…..  www.sandtonshul.co.za

USofA…………
A couple days ago, I went to the county office complex to sign up our dogs for welfare. 
At first the lady said dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.
So I explained to her that our dogs are unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no flipping idea who their Daddy is………………..
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

Our dogs get their first checks this Friday. Is this a great country, or what? (Bittere Gelechte)

The ‘Miracle Rabbi’s’ do it again….Should you, or anyone you know need to say Kaddish, come join us for ‘Mincha in the Mall’ starting this Thursday 11th March 2010 at 1pm –Should you wish to join, please inform Taryn at Chabad House via e-mail: taryn@chabad.org.za … Steven Greenstein, Chairman,Chabad in the Mall –Village Walk…Steven is the Brother of Alan who was the CEO of SASFIN… Village Walk is across the road from the NEW Stock Exchange (JSE)…..see http://stantgsm.com/list_info.php  Shakeach………..

A 20c piece meets up with his old Chaver, the $100 bill…………..
Nuuuu where you been these days inquires the 20c…?? not been around…
Mmmmm , you wouldn’t believe where I have been… Went to the Casino, then the Bank, and then straight on to a luxury liner around the Caribbean…
Where you been.. and the 20c replies.. In the Blue Box, Blue Box and again Blue box.
Oey vey….

 

FOR the MOST ‘Jacked up’ Yiddisher Wedding registry, ‘Gib A Kuk’   at;
www.lechaim.co.za ………….Run by Young Yiddisher ‘Boychix’ ……

Mazeltov to Pamela (Miller) & Gidon (Bulka) Alter on their wedding tonight……above this insertion it says that the Yiddisher Wedding registry is run by ‘Yiddisher’ ‘Boychix’, and Gidon is one of the Yiddisher’ boychix’…..My Zunnelle Martin & Gidon have their birthdays a day apart, and have been chavers since nursery school…..To Avron & Judy Alter and Issy& Avril Miller, Mazeltov …..To Bobba ‘Bubsie’ lots of ‘Nachus’ from the couple…….Should be a VERY ‘Lebedikke’ wedding…….

Mazeltov to Sara & Ben Swartz on the birth of their second Princess this week….Lots of mazel to Nick & Cherri….Sara is our Cousin, and she and her sister Avalon worked at Stan & Pete…Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’….

Mazeltov to Michal (Kaplan) & Asaf Sirton on the birth of their Princess this week….Asaf’s Boet Ido, is the ‘balabos’ at Stan & Pete and Asaf has spent many nights at Simcha’s……Mazeltov to the Sirton family in Haifa Ilana & David & The Kaplan family in the Shtetl (Glenhazel) Cynthia & Hilton … David & Ilana are coming from Israel for a few weeks , and of course to see the new ‘Babbelle’  Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’………
Mazeltov to the Karpelowsky family in Manchester, who have another two Simcha’s coming up……Craig (Karp) got engaged to Katie (Meltzer) and Mazeltov to the parents……. Bernard and Veronica Karpelowsky ( Manchester) & Anthony and Marion Meltzer from Pinner in London. Mazeltov Chopaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..!!!! & Mazeltov to Craig’s Boet Yitzchak who is marrying Rivka Ariev in Manchester this weekend…. Hopefully no one is staying at Hazeldene Hall, which is ‘Tukka’ a haunted Hotel owned by ‘Paki’s’….., near the Shetl of Solford ……  Mazeltov to the whole Mishpocha………..
Mazeltov to Benny and Becky Michel who celebrated their 62nd wedding anniversary on Tuesday 2nd March. Benny was of course the “ Band” at most of OUR parents weddings, and we wish them much Health for the future….
Sincere condolences to the Chodos family on the sad loss of their beloved Herschel….he was a very soft spoken ‘gentlemen’…and his Kinderlach, Andy & Mark worked at Stan & Pete for years and Joyce has been with the Women’s Zionists for us long as I can remember….…… Sincere condolences to the whole family…..

The easiest way to source Simcha ‘Wekkers’ & suppliers is to ‘Gib A Kuk’ at ;  http://www.stantgsm.com/simcha/sg.htm

MANTIS SECURITY TIP (Call 011- 487-1000) of the week;

  • With winter coming;………….

    • Always have emergency lights that work when the power is off.
    • Try and get some Gas heaters, as heaters will use all the power off a generator.
    • Check that the standby battery on the house alarm is in working order.
    • Keep cell phones charged at all times. Keep emergency numbers in Cell phone.
    • Where ever possible, try and change Entrance gates to homes onto Battery power, which will save you leaving the Car during ‘Power Sharing’..
    • Don’t leave it, as the winter months are upon us, and there is always extra demand for juice (power) and when the Sokka 2010 starts, there might be a slight shortage….Be like NIKE ‘Just Do It”

    I received some ‘Confessions from a would be ‘Gonif’ that gets caught and spills the beans…will put in a few over the next few weeks…..Remember they are jokes, BUT….not toooo bad paying attention to what the ‘Gunnif’ says…here goes

    Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.

    Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.

     Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste ... and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.

     Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it.

    If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway. (for ex Pats…)
      

    • Be ‘Wakker’ & ‘StreetwiZe’ all the time…………


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Have a peaceful, restful  Shabbos….…

From  Stan and the Clan.
smookler@netactive.co.za

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The ‘Stan The Good Shabbos’ Joke Book is now available at Major Bookstores around the ‘Beloved Country’ and also on Kalahari.net …sooo get yours, and eventually when I have recovered my outlay, I can consider a second book….

CLICK HERE Also now available in Irvine at the African Hut   www.africanhut.com

Please remember that the VORT comes in after the sign off, and is a self standing item…

Check out the new Archive Section
on the website where you can view past pictures from Engagements, Weddings, Anniversaries, Births, Bar Mitzvahs / Bat Mitzvahs, and many other Jewish Simchas
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Parsha of The Week

Rabbi Yossy Goldman,
Sydenham Shul,
C/O ‘Beloved Country’  

Little Moons
Veteran or novice, whom do you choose? Say you are the coach of a sports team and you have accomplished stars but they may be approaching their sell-by date. Then you have some budding talents waiting on the sidelines to get a shot at proving themselves. Who do you pick for your team? You want to win and are safer sticking with the experienced proven professionals. On the other hand, you want to build a team for the future. So whom do you choose?

Pesach always comes in the month of Nissan and there is a special reading for Maftir on the Shabbos before we go into Nissan. It is known as Hachodesh and comes from Exodus Chapter 12. This month (Nissan) shall be the head of the months for you. There we read how G-d commanded Moses and Aaron concerning the Jewish calendar, Rosh Chodesh - the New Moon - and how ours would be a lunar calendar.

According to the Midrash, quoted by Rashi, Moses had a difficulty with the precise definition of new moon. So G-d explained it to Moses by showing him exactly what the new moon looked like in the sky. This month may thus be understood as this moon i.e. this is the type of moon you should sanctify when you proclaim Rosh Chodesh, the new month.

Why, in fact, do we sanctify the moon when it is brand new, a mere speck in the sky? Should we not rather consecrate the moon on the fifteenth of the lunar month when it is full, an impressive, big round ball of celestial proportions? Surely the sanctification of the moon should be when it is majestically full and not when it is still tiny and barely visible?
                 
Indeed, there are two kinds of moons. There is the big, full moon of the middle of the month. But as soon as we go into the second half of the month that moon will start waning and then it will diminish from view until it is completely out of sight. The full moon is one day away from being over the hill and from there on it’s downhill all the way until the end of the month. Whereas the new moon, small as it may be, represents growth. It may be tiny now but it will grow nightly in the sky and will, one day soon, be full and resplendent. And so the Almighty says to Moses, I want you to sanctify the small moon; this little moon is pleasing in my eyes. This you shall see and sanctify, the small, new moon that will very soon loom large in your eyes.

Israel is likened to the moon. Ours is a lunar calendar because we are a lunar people. (I did not say lunatics!) The Jewish People, too, have a history of waxing and waning, of ups and downs. And just like the two moons, so are there two types of Jews. There is the full Jew, rich in knowledge and practice but content and complacent, perhaps somewhat fat and lethargic. This Jew is committed to his faith, maybe has been his whole life but he is on the verge of a decline. He is about to start waning because he is tired and uninspired. He knows it all, he’s been there and done it all and like Humpty Dumpty is sitting on top of the wall just waiting for a fall.

And then there is the fledgling Jew, the little new moon that has just emerged from the darkness. He is still tiny but he has just discovered the beauty and truth of Judaism. This Jew is geared for growth, poised for prominence and ready for take-off. He is still very much a novice, his knowledge is still minute; but he is inspired, excited and passionate about his newly found faith.

So which Jew will we count our months by? Who will shape our future? Will it be the old, tired veteran who is too old to change and just about ready to retire? Or will it be the new Jew who, though inexperienced, is still longing to learn and ready for renewal and rebirth?

Personally, I’ve always been inspired by the new Jew. I get a kick out of seeing that eager, open mind brimming with questions, finding things I took for granted fascinating. To me the new Jew represents hope and optimism, freshness and promise.

G-d told us to count our months by the small new moon. May I humbly suggest that it is the new Jew who will illuminate our world and make G-d count.

 




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