Dear All,

The weather has been GR8 and Summer, never mind spring is here…..must say the storms in Cape Town were ‘Skrikky’ and some of the pictures coming out hard to believe from the ‘Beloved Country’, ‘cause these type of storms always happen elsewhere…no sign of rain yet though….bit of a Heat wave this week

Without international ‘Rugger’ this weekend, it was back to Currie Cup ‘Rugger’ which looks sooooo much better with all the ‘Boks’ that have returned……The Western Province V ‘Vrystaaaaaaaaaaaaat’(Cheetahs) was a very fast hard game, with the WP coming out winners………and I reckon the Vrystaaaaaat were robbed….. The Bulls V Sharks (Nothern Tvl V Natal) was also a very fast game , and the Sharks ended up winners, and I reckon the Bulls should have made it …..BUT, as Naaaasty Botha says ’The final score on the board is what counts’ …Oey vy, listening to Warren Brosnian commentate made me think of my standard 5 English teacher reading a gripping story……what a Shmuck of a commentator and the next game had Andy Capestanio…..Oey vy, we desperately need new commentators, as Joel Stransky and Hugh Bladen cannot cover every match………Quite E-mazing how Johnathan Kaplan has refereed very few games this year…???? Maybe he is injured…….???? 

The ‘BOK’ coach SAGA continues. With a lot of ‘TWAK’ (rubbish) as our new coach PDV always says…….He claims there is a ‘Vicer’ conspiracy to get him out of the coaching position, after it was revealed that the coach was blackmailed to pick a player, or they would release a explicit “Sex’ encounter he had…?? Oey vy, wish they would say which players was involved…??? Another lot of ‘Bobbameises’……This weeks game for the Tri-nations title should be a Humdinger, with the Schvartzers a bit rusty after a months layoff, BUT…after the Aussies Klap here it might just be a All Black victory….no one can really call this one, although I believe that the brilliance of the All Blacks should take them through……..Saw the ‘GIRNUN’S’ and their brother in law Syd Nomis at the Maccabi Dinner and they ALL reckon the Schvartzers are going to ‘SLAG’ the Aussies……’Alle Vei’ (Please G-D) http://www.stantgsm.com/list_pics.php

After ‘OUR’ ODI ‘Klap’ in England our Boks have returned with heads bowed (the Test win ,all but forgotten) and our coach Mickey (Mouse) Arthur saying that the Manne have had toooooooo much Cricket…never heard a ‘Kvetch’ out of him after the test wins….???  In reality, we lack new blood coming through, and as the coach mentioned, no real all-rounder s appearing on the Horizon, soooo it looks real ‘Shlegg’ for the year end Tests against the Aussies here & there, and it could be a massacre……..not sure if any of the current Bokke can save us, as we need DECENT bowlers, and there are just none around….Steyn and the Morkel ‘Broers’ could come right….”Like the ‘Chevra Kadisha’ Yours eventually…….

Few Boksburg/Brakpan/ Benoni…Pick up lines…….
My Love for you is like diarrhoea ... I can't hold it in.
Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
 If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Man - "Fat Penguin!" …..Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bedrock.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
 
The Para- OYlympics have already got off to a bad start with our Athletes complaining of poor treatment by the officials…………and the most ‘Shreiklach’ uniforms ever worn….Oey vy, we really are not being impressive, BUT….I think that the Para- Olympians will give a much better showing…….than the First team………WOW, soooo many Gold’s already………! ! ! ! !

Sharon in Too-Run-Too is trying to get  contact details of an old Chaver of hers from Waverley School (Highlands North’s sister school).Desiree Suttner matriculated with Sharon in 1978…..anyone in contact with Desiree , who I am sure is married now, please send Sharon some details… shaslink@rogers.com

A few weeks ago I had a few ‘old’ Pictures of the Cape, and I was sent the website…Quite E-mazing For a feast go to: http://tinyurl.com/5rhxlo
There are at least 10 pages and 170 pictures. Click on any one and open the slide show….incredible stuff………….

BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"
WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."
BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."
This week was the first time that ‘Ek Stem Saam’ (vote for) Zapiro……his Cartoon in the Sunday Times was a belter, and soooo close to the point….Getting HUGE ‘Klaps’ from the ‘Men From The Ministry’….Have a look at the Cartoon and article http://www.news24.com/News24/South_Africa/Politics/0,,2-7-12_2390242,00.html  Oey vy, thank goodness for this Cartoon as it will take HUGE pressure off OUR ‘Rugger’ coach PDV…who is involved in a ‘Biesel’ Tzorres, BUT….everyone claims there is no tape, and of course the ‘Vicer V Schvartzer’ Bobbameises is there again…..Zapiro is in GROOT ‘Kak’ with the Manne, BUT…has really got the debate going….Well done, for ONCE…(??)
A ‘Yiddisher’ businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, and he owed everybody. It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. Seeking spiritual guidance, he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Torah in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Torah to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Torah in your lap. Open the Torah; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Torah will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer. That will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, and gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"I did."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Torah in your lap?"
"Yes, Rabbi."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"I did exactly as you said."
"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11." ( US of A  bankruptcy declaration)    Einaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…

My Chaver Brian Altshuler (ex Lichtenburg) will be giving a VERY interesting lecture at the Great Synagogue, this coming Wednesday…on Architecture…and ART forgotten, with some of the KAK buildings around….see the Info at;
http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php

The Aish Hatorah Annual dinner took place last week, and it was a very well attended evening with the Main speaker, really getting into the Nitty gritty regarding the Palestinian (Hammas/ Hasbollah etc) and there daily utterances on TV against Israel…pretty Seriaaaaas stuff………and they of course are teaching the Kinderlach to hate, which is really sad……….

 An Ultra-Orthodox Jewish family was not far behind me. I noticed a dog in the water, obviously in difficulty.  
The old Jew saw the dog at the same time, and before I could do anything, he stripped off his bespoke gabardine overcoat which he handed to his wife. He handed his fedora hat to his son and his shoes to his daughter. He leapt into the water, dragged the dog to the river bank and pulled the animal to safety. Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation followed, and soon the dog shook itself off and ran away wagging its tail.
Astonished by what I had seen, I went across to the man and said, “I saw what you did; are you a vet?”
‘Vet?’ he said, ‘Vet? Mein boy, I’m soaked to the skin.’

Got an E-mail from a old Northview High student Michelle (Osrin) Klass, who has written and published a book for Kinderlach …Please ‘Gib A Kuk’ at the website ; www.seebdesigns.com She also sent me some newspaper clippings from Oz about the publication….Michelle is the daughter in law of Max Klass who owns Maxi’s in the Kosher Strip in the Shtetl (Glenhazel). Max is very involved in Maccabi and helped arrange tne the Maccabi Sportsman of the Year, held last night…. Book reviews at  http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php

The Maccabi Sportsman of The Year was a very good evening for the ‘Yiddisher’ community in the ‘Beloved Country’ and was very well arranged……David Bullard, the guest speaker really came across well, and it is sad that such a talented ‘Boytjie’ got involved in a Racist incident, and the ‘righteous’ Sunday Times fired him, without a fair hearing….Nuuuuuu, his brief was be controversial, and he was , and ‘Wallah’, got the boot……The Winner was a joint win for Dana Samowitz (Ping Pong ) and Stacy Bregman (Golf)………..it was a ‘lekker’ evening, with a bit tooo many speeches, BUT….the quality of the Main Speakers was GR8…….Jeanne Futerman (President Maccabi World) really spelt out the incredible work done by Maccabi, not only on the sports field, and Eyal Tiberger ( Director General-World Maccabi) carried on where Jeanne left off and emphasized the ‘Charity’ work done by Maccabi….very interesting was that South America had Maccabi Clubs (Villages) with 30,000 members….That is incredible…..David Bullard was E-mazing and just glided through a few ‘Meisa’s’ effortlessly…….Good evening all round…met up with Basil Kletz and it will be GR8 carrying his bags at the Games in July next year…Pictures at;
http://www.stantgsm.com/list_pics.php

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of Crisp Macon. "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.  The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?  She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"  FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN! (not often……)

                          SAY “YES” TO MAKING 5769 A BETTER YEAR!
The past year has been extremely difficult for our community and in fact the entire country. The many senseless murders of key community members and the total degradation of our society have prompted leading outreach organization Chabad House to take action.
The month of Elul which precedes the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah) is a time when G-d is more receptive to our prayers than any other month of the year. It is with this in mind that Chabad House has arranged an evening of 90 minutes of inspiration just two weeks before Rosh Hashanah, so says Rabbi David Masinter, Director of Chabad House Johannesburg.
The evening will include amongst other things a special live address by Rabbi Yehuda Krinsky, a secretary of the Lubavitcher Rebbe and voted by Newsweek as one of America’s leading Rabbi’s
“We encourage members of the entire South African Jewish Community to unite with us to change decrees on High and make 5769 a better year for all South Africans”, concludes Masinter.,,see http://www.stantgsm.com/list_pics.php
Allllllllllllllll   Chevra welcome......The speaker is very good and highly respected…

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase :    
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$
  In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
 
Your$ $incerely,  
Norman    
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:
 
Dear NOrman,
 
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
 
NOw the newspapers are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean..
 
Yours truly,
Manager

From next week, The WIZO Gift ‘Shoppe’ in the New Genisis Shopping Centre
( ‘old’ Saveways) will have  Coffee & Yum Yum’s for their clients while they Browse around for gifts for Yomtov, soooooo vist them for your Yomtov Gifts…..

The ‘ Shiksher’s’ (Gasvasholem)..competition….Got a few replies from ‘Yidlach’ ……why soooo cheap…?? Is it a bachelors…NO, it is a 3 Bedroomed Flat, and pictures are available ..see info ; wendi@beyachad.co.za  011- 645-2500
http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php  The formula is $$$600 X 613 Tickets X 60
(Isreal’s 60th.) years………………..

Sex is like a petrol station.
Sometimes you get full service,
sometimes you have to ask for service
and sometimes you have to be happy with self-service... oey vy……..

 Went to Jason Blumberg’s ‘Opruff’ at Pinestreet Shul this past Shabbos and I reckon that it is a ‘Vorspeis’ (starter) of things to come…..Jason stays in London