Good Shabbos

GOOD SHABBOS
14 May 2009

Dear All,

The weather, ‘she’ is strange, and we had a week of cold , rainy days, which is not normal for this time of year, and NEARLY put a damper on ‘OUR’ new Presidents inauguration on the weekend, and of course played havoc with the Super 14 ‘Rugger’ and most probably cost the Sharks a place in the semi finals..

Well, like the ‘Chevra Kadisha’, Yours eventually, the Supper 14 got into top gear last week, and the Semi-finalists are virtually thru’, with the Sharks loosing out….
unless there is a miracle……The Bulls (Northern Transvaal) & the Cheetahs (Ou Vrystaaaaat) game was a ‘Michel’ and my prediction that the Bulls were the ones to try for honours has proved true…. E-mazing how the Sharks did soooo well in the first half of the Competition, and they just faded……..looking at ‘OUR’ teams displays, it is very worrying that VERY few players have done their cause any good, and with the Lions tour upon us, there are many question marks…..?????? I reckon that besides Brussouw and Spies, very few others enhanced their reputations, and fullback is going to be a MAJOR concern, with none of the Manne having good games, and Stephan Terblanches missed ‘Sokka’ kick, cost the Sharks dearly……”Maybe” Morne Steyn should be tried at Fullback ….hopefully the Bulls beat the Sharks and have a Home Semi…….

The Indian Cricket ‘IPL’ league, is Tukka soooo much repetition, and eventually it gets a bit boring……and this week there was a write up about how the $$$$ has destroyed ‘Suiwer’ (pure) Cricket……I reckon that although the Competition has been very well organized, Souff Effrikka did not need it, with all the other big sporting events coming up, as there are just that many” Manne & Meisies” that can afford to go to sooooo many games…?????

Zuma says we have Swine Flu under control, ……………… We have oinkment !

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks,
"What did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

The SASFIN / Selwyn Segal Sports quiz takes place on the 3 rd. June at the Sandton Sun, and is a GR88888 evening..they still have one or two tables, sooo ‘Gib A Kuk’ @ http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php Other items of interest are that David Kaplan will be speaking at the Wanderers Protea Hotel on Thursday, and does work in Association with the Donna Klein Jewish Academy in Boca Raton……. David will also set up private meetings……
The 702 ‘Walk The Talk’ is taking place, and you can register to walk with the ‘Helping Hands’ group (Young Chevra)……with Mothers day behind us, the next ‘Mishugas’ is Fathers day, and the ideal gift is a ‘Stan The Good Shabbos Man’ joke book, ( if U are a Schnorrer), which can be bought at Exclusive Books in the ‘Beloved Country’, and at the African Hut in Laguna Niguel and The Garden Patch Farmers Market in Irvine/Tustin www.africanhut.com & to order the Book online… Only $4.99 http://www.africanhut.com/shopexd.asp?id=1605
For the Big spenders, there is no better gift than the ‘Bagels’ Gold Bar
www.fruittijewels.com and they also have the Mandela 46664 Bangle

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks:
"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:
"I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

Time flies, and when you are in a Coma, even faster…… The year is just about up, and SASFIN move a few doors away in less than 7 weeks….. The new building is looking really GR8888 and the E-mazing thing is that it took just on a year to complete……always remember when you need Business Finance , Equity, Stock broking, Health etc, call SASFIN..

Souff Effrikken Municipal Services...Another all time Classicccccccccccccc......

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,

"Eishhhhhhhhhhhhh, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees, he is sick today!" (Einaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah..........................).

For the ‘Kaylikka’s’ who have been ‘Kibbitzing’ that there are very few new pictures, please bear with me, as 1,000’s of years ago, the ‘Yidlach’ made a Law that ‘Gaseners and Simcha’s’ with music are not allowed from Peasch to Shavouth, (Omer / Shiverah) excluding the odd days here and there, sooooo that is why there are VERY few pictures…I have been promised some by the Simcha photographers, BUT…………that is our ‘Tradition’, and this Joke is a ‘Beaut’

A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I am not sure.....this is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Grandma and ask her. "
So, she phones the grandmother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting. "The Grandmother thinks for a moment and then says. "You know, I am not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket."
Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great-grandmother in the nursing home. "You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?"
"I don't know why you do it" says the old woman ,…………………..
"but I never had a pan that was large enough!" (Tradition, Tradition……..)

‘OUR’ local ‘Idols’ competition ended in Chaos, with ‘our’ Cell phone networks not delivering the SMS votes on time, and they had to recount, and declare the top two as joint winners……what a ‘Gemors’…for my part they could ‘KILL” the programme as it is such ‘Drek’….must say that Prison Break seems to be the flavour of the month…….Gone are the Days of Rich Man, Poor Man , Dallas etc……..I reckon that 60% of all movies shown on the various TV Networks, must be this Sci –Fi ‘drek’………in our day, those hated Karate movies used to dominate…..and were still watch able, BUT…..this Sci-fi is Drek…….saw the movie ‘Defiance’ the other day, and that was a Good ‘Flick’…. Good ‘Youtube’ on Yiddisher history… http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=i3cxZtVYvuI&feature=fvsr

CLICK HERE
American ‘IDOL’ sings in Hebrew…………

A GR88888888 Eishhhhhhh (Aish Ha Torah) production, telling it as it is;
http://www.aish.com/movies/jerusalem.asp

Sol Kerzners One & Only opening in Cape Town harbour – Spectacular….
http://www.oneandonlyresorts.com/capetowngrandopening.htm

Grandpa & Grandma were visiting their kids overnight…..
when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

Monday was Lag B’Omer and they had many celebrations around Joburg and the country………..very festive, and of course ‘Simcha’s’ could take place….the Sandton Shul have secured Rabbi David Lapin from LA to speak at the Shavuot Dinner, and he has always proved VERY popular………..

Sardarji asks: - 'Nurse, I am very eager to know my blood group'.
Nurse answers: - "B Positive" Sardarji is confused: - 'Please to tell me soon' ........
Nurse says: - "B Positive"
S ardarji replies: - Madam, I AM positive, but still I am eager to know my blood group.

E-mazing…! ! ! ! ! The Comrades is upon us in just 10 days time, and Chabad of Umhlanga are going to be there with some ‘Kosher’ refreshments for the ‘Yiddisher’ runners and they now have a ‘Kosher B & B in Umhlanga and offer many services for Yidlach coming from the rest of Souff Effrikka to Kwa Zulu Natal..see the Chabad website @ ; www.chabadnc.com

Baby Piglets

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of
the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention,
Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary
Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says:
"Excellent trade, sir.

Got an E-mail from Plettenburg Bay, and Kasriel Varkel, is offering a Shlepping service from George to Plett, and also a 24 Hour service to Tourist attractions in and around Plett…Contact him on C X CAB - 074 1400 400. Kasriel is the brother of Barry Varkel , who was the Chairman of the Plett Shul, and Barry has made Aliyah from Plett to Israel…..….was at Highlands with me……….

Jugnu Singh gets up in the middle of night to answer the telephone.
"Is this one one one one?", says the voice.
"No," Jugnu says, "this is eleven eleven."
"Are you sure this isn't one one one one?"
"No, this is eleven eleven ."
"Well, wrong number. I am Harpal calling, sorry to be waking you in middle of the night."
"That's all right, mister," Jugnu assures him ……………….
"I had to get up anyway, to answer telephone."

Chazzan Ari Klein is at it again with his Kabbalat Shabbat Davening at Kol HaNeshamah. Services will take place on Friday night May 15th, 7pm @ Ramath Orah, 550 West 110th st (between Broadway and Amsterdam) don't miss this wonderful service with an all star acappela group and the hot cholent and Potato Kugel Kiddush to follow! Can't beat that to usher in shabbos….and all Souff Effrikkens in and around the ‘Big Apple’ are warmly invited to Join Ari and the Congregation for a ‘Special’ Shabbos

Q: Why is Bala taking pair of binoculars with him to a funeral?
A: It is distant relative's funeral

Put in a few One Liners and they had the Word ‘Hashem’ which one reader has queried…….’ He believes that ‘Hashem’ is a VERY popular Muslim word, and what ever happened to ‘G-D’…. why have the newly born ‘Frummes’ changed ‘His Name’…??? Can anyone supply an answer about how the Word ‘Hashem’ came about ( Instead of the word “G-D” )…Nuuuuuuuu, give an answer to this Seriaaaaaaaaaaaaas question…..???? Smookler@netactive.co.za

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?
"The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long
before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said,
"About an hour and half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said........
"Your house."

Well, the Induction of ‘OUR’ new Presidents took place on the weekend, and I must say that the tone was VERY conciliatory, and if only half what was said & promised, takes place, we will ‘Tukka’ be in ‘Gan Eden’….There was a bit of ‘Garotis’ because Israel would not let the Palestinians that were invited , come…and it could cause a bit of Tzorres further down the line……Poor show up of country Heads, and the ‘Manne’ were mainly those with ‘Shady’ backgrounds’ and none other than Gaddafi leading the pack of Schmo’s …. He some how has a pull over our ‘Manne’ and threatened to not attend, because ‘JZ’ had not met him personally at the Airport, and sent a Junior in his place……Mugabe and those Mumzers got huge applause, and one wonders where we are going…..felt sorry for ‘JZ’ as the weather nearly spoiled the induction and fly past, BUT…..they got a GR8888 crowd in the end and all went very well…….

The fighting between the ‘Men From the Ministry’ (mainly the Youth) and DA leader is really ‘Shreklach’, and surely Helen has enough ‘Schiechel’ to push it aside…..??? They are just ‘revving’ her up, and she is falling for it…… We are in for a ‘Lebedikke’ few months, until the New lot settle down, and all the ‘old’ problems re appear, loike what to do with our Ex Police Chief..?? Judge Hlophe,
Shabby Schaik…..etc….I am sure they will all just walk into the Sunset with a ‘Goldene Handshake’…why have Courts etc…….look at the ‘Geld’ that could be saved…????

Jacob Zuma, ‘Shabby’ Schaik and Julius ( 3/3) Malema are flying on the Presidential jet to a gathering in Cape Town when Schaik turns to Zuma and says, chuckling,
'You know, I could throw a R1000 note out the window right now and make someone very happy .'
Zuma shrugs and replies, 'Well, I could throw ten R100 notes out the window and make ten people happy.'
Not to be outdone, Malema says, 'Well I could throw a hundred R10 notes out the window and make a hundred people happy.'

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, 'Such arrogant ‘Schmucks’ back there.
Heck, I could throw all three of them out the window and make 52 million people happy.'

This is ‘Tukka’ a Classic………. ’old’ ….. BUT …… ‘gold’ ………..
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aboriginal man.
They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to think about it then come up with a short poem that contained that word.

The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU' ……..
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three Women of the night in a pop-up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu

The aboriginal won !

Next Wednesday, 20th. May , Yad Aharon will be holding their 3rd. Annual Businessman’s breakfast , and ‘Ripley’s Believe it or Not’ there is no Cover-charge ……The speaker is Russell Loubser, ‘Balabos’ of the JSE…..for bookings see details at ; http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php Yad Aharon delivers Food Parcels to needy families, and their Business Beakfasts have been E-mazing in the past, and Gary Friedman says he is preparing a superb morning ‘GraZe’ ……. SASFIN are one of the sponsors……. Come and enjoy a good ‘Financial’ Droshe…………

Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend but forgets his condoms, he calls down to reception, asks for a pack of three.
Reception asks shall I put them on your bill?
Donald replies "Don't be damn stupid I'll suffocate"

Jules Gordon sent me the new edition of the Arcadia Memories, and I reckon it is quite remarkable how much effort & work has gone into these books……they span over a 110 years, and the Second book has got a lot of Info on the Ochberg orphans who were saved after the First World war and brought to the ‘Beloved Country’…. E-mazing stories for everyone to share, not only ‘Yidlach’ from the Arc…….

The Chabad of Conejo in Los Angeles California, have bestowed a GR8888 Honour on an ‘old’ Chaver of mine, Rene (Bergman ) & Mark Horwitz who used to make wedding cakes for Simcha’s, and of course her parents from Benoni are very well known to me… ‘Gib A Kuk’ at the link. They stayed in Kimberley before leaving…Shakeach & Nachus … http://chabadgala.com/honorees.asp#read3

FOR the MOST ‘Jacked up’ Yiddisher Wedding registry, ‘Gib A Kuk’ at ;
www.lechaim.co.za ………….Run by Young Yiddisher ‘Boychix’ ……

Went to Rabbi Suchards Grandson’s Pid Yon Haben last night, and it was really something different…..It is years since I attended one, and it was done to perfection, with Mannie Kahn (The Kohan) doing the honours….mazeltov to Shira & Yisroel Kaufman on this wonderful occasion and also to Grandparents Rochelle & Rabbi Siggy Suchard….. The ‘Babelle’ was very well behaved through out, and I think most of the big turnout of Family, friends and congregants were pleasantly surprised at the ceremony….Mazeltov to the Kaufman family in the USofA who were unable to come……For those who are not sure what a ‘PidYon Haben’ is , it is the birth of a first BOY in a family…….Mazeltov to the whole Mishpocha….. Pictures………… http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

Happy Birthday to my Princess lauren for tomorrow…..many more ‘Poppie’..

The easiest way to source Simcha ‘Wekkers’ & suppliers is to ‘Gib A Kuk’ at http://www.stantgsm.com/simcha/sg.htm

MANTIS SECURITY TIP (Call 011- 487-1000) of the week;

When employing new staff, at Home or office make sure that;

You get references, and CHECK them…..why ask for references, if you do not check on them….?????

Most times, references help in weeding out the Gunovim……..

Always keep copies of ID’s, Contact numbers etc…..

Be alert all the time, and NEVER give staff access to security codes……

Be a ‘Mentsch’ towards staff, always helps…………….

Be ‘Wakker’ & ‘StreetwiZe’ all the time…………

Call; Mark Kramer @ MANTIS (011-487-1000) for advice and sign up and discuss it with his experienced staff.

Click here to view the website :

http://www.stantgsm.com
Have a peaceful, restful Shabbos….…

From Stan and the Clan.
smookler@netactive.co.za

PRO – Stan & Pete Caterers ( Corporate )
and Medical Aid Broker Supreme!!
Cell 082-4547860

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The ‘Stan The Good Shabbos’ Joke Book is now available at Major Bookstores around the ‘Beloved Country’ and also on Kalahari.net …sooo get yours, and eventually when I have recovered my outlay, I can consider a second book….

CLICK HERE Also now available in Irvine at the African Hut www.africanhut.com

Please remember that the VORT comes in after the sign off, and is a self standing item…

Parsha of The Week

Jews By Choice?

Rabbi Yossy Goldman
Sydenham Shul,
C/O ‘Beloved Country’

Are converts looked down upon in Judaism? Is conversion to our faith frowned upon? To be sure, I have been privy to plenty of disparaging remarks over the years - ironically, often made by people who themselves are far from religiously observant. “A leopard doesn’t change its spots,” is one of the milder ones I’ve heard. But, never mind what certain individual Jews may say. What does Judaism say?

The simple answer is that the classic, age-old definition of a Jew has always been “one born of a Jewish mother or one who has converted to Judaism according to Halacha.” So, provided the conversion process was supervised and performed by a valid, authentic Rabbinic body, a convert is just as Jewish as any born Jew. Those who would look down upon converts should remember that some of our greatest Torah sages were descended from converts, including the legendary Rabbi Akiva.

Furthermore, the Midrash contends that a genuine convert is more precious in G-d’s eyes than one who was born Jewish. Why? Because one born of a Jewish mother had no choice in the matter. If your mother is Jewish, you are Jewish. Period. You cannot surrender your birthright. Like it or not, it is a biological and spiritual fact of life. You can attempt to convert out of the Jewish faith but Judaism does not recognize such artificial alterations. A Jew is a Jew is a Jew. If you were born a Jew, you will die a Jew.

But a convert did not have to become Jewish. No one forced him or her into it. If anything, those electing to join the Jewish faith are aware of something called Anti-Semitism. Do they need it in their lives? Are they suicidal, or just plain stupid? Why would anyone in their right mind go looking for tzorris?! Says the Midrash, one who does make that conscious, deliberate choice to embrace the G-d of Abraham despite the unique unpopularity of the Children of Abraham, is someone worthy of G-d’s special love. A Jew by choice is a Jew indeed.

There remains a difficult passage in the Talmud (Yevamos 47b) that begs some
elucidation. “Converts are as difficult for Israel as a blight!”- Not a very flattering depiction. A simple explanation might be that when converts are insincere and they are not really committed to living a full Jewish life – perhaps they converted for ulterior motives, like to marry a Jew - then their failure to observe the commandments brings disrepute to Judaism and may have a negative ripple effect on other Jews.

But there is also an alternative interpretation. Some understand the suggestion that converts are a blight upon Israel to mean that they give born Jews a bad name. Why? Because all too often converts are more zealous than any other Jews in their commitment to the faith. Have we not seen converts who are more frum and more passionate about Judaism than most born Jews? A blight upon Israel would then mean that their deeper commitment and zealousness puts us to shame.

This week, we read the Tochacha - the Rebuke. A series of dire warnings to the Jewish people not to stray from G-d’s ways and the curses that will befall us if we should, they are always read shortly before Shavuot, the Season of the Giving of the Torah. That moment at the mountain, when we stood at Sinai and experienced the great Revelation and the Ten Commandments was the moment when we became constitutionally enfranchised as a nation. Shavuot marks the day when we were transformed from a family - children of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah - to a nation. That is the day we all converted to Judaism. We all became Jews at Sinai. This is one of the reasons why we read the Book of Ruth on Shavuot, as she is the paradigm of the righteous, sincere convert.

So, every year at this time we read the sobering Rebuke to prepare us for the reliving of the historic event when we, too, became “converts,” so that we should enter into our covenant with G-d sincerely and genuinely, in reverence and in awe.

May all of us, those born or those who have become, be true Jews who will be true to our faith, our Torah and our tradition. May we accept the Torah anew with the passion and zeal of one who has just made that momentous choice, the choice to become a Jew.

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