Good Shabbos

GOOD SHABBOS
15 January 2009

GOOD SHABBOS 15 1 2009.
Dear All,

The weather is very strange since we got back to the ‘Ou’ Transvaal……with steaming hot days, and then rain and storms….Last weekend there was a severe ‘BAD’ weather warning, which did not really hit us….like ‘Don’t go out’ if lightening starts etc, which is not normal for Gauteng….Durbs has been given a big’Klap’…….BUT….it is still very hot……

Soooo ‘OUR’ Captain Courageous could not pull off a draw….and have come in for a lot of criticism, as they reckon once the series was won, why risk ‘OUR’ new Super Hero…??? When one looks at our team going forward, there are VERY few GR8888 Shpielers, and guys like Kallis, will have to come right or else face the same story as Mathew Hayden………to bring back Gibbs at his age , and ‘sobriety’ is really DUMB, rather blood new Shpielers……Ntini is also suspect, and I reckon the only true good ones coming thru’ are JP, and Dale Steyn, and one of the Morkel Brothers should be able to come right….??? Soooooo, where they get the ‘GREATEST Souff Effrikken’ team of all time is real ‘Bobbameises’…

I went to the Marais Street Shul in Seapoint, and the first Shabbos, we came out late due to Chanukah, which was understandable, and the next Shabbos, Ari Klein (ex Sydenham and now New York) did the service, and it came out at nearly 8.30 on Friday night, and Ari gave a VERY emotional display of Chazzonis, and it ‘Tukka’ reminds me of the Joke ‘ Why does the Chazzan get paid more than the Rabbi…??? ‘Cause there’s no business like show business’. Rabbi Hayon gave a VERY impressive ‘Droshe’, BUT…sadly the Shul has lost many congregants, and the days of adding chairs in the Isle’s is long gone……The service was E-mazing ( for a Friday Night- not soooo sure..??? ),
And there were quite a few Chazzons in the Shul including Oshy Tugentafdt, the Dublin Chazzan and Ivor , the ‘Local boytjie’…………..

A BLONDE was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed the cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART  ……Why WAL-MART you say ?
HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO……………………..
WALMART is the largest RETAILER in the world

I thought I had a ‘Shlegg’ trip to Cape Town and bumped my Chaver Larry & Bev Miller, and they also had a ‘Fashtunkende’ Chrysler Voyager, and their Gearbox fell out when they had it only a few days…………..they then told me a horrific ‘Meisa’ about getting stuck in the Kruger Park for 25 hours…………….They took their 4X4 BMW on a 4X4 trial and all of a sudden, without warning, the heavens opened and they experienced a Flash Flood, BUT………….they were now in DEEP mud, and the 4X4 could not get out ……..even after putting logs under the Car….and they had passed a pride of 16 Lions…and Larry only had 6 bullets, soooo they decided to wait…as there was no Cel phone connection…and wait they did and 25 hours later some Game Rangers arrived, as they had also got stuck, and were armed , and started looking for the Miller family…..it had not rained at the Main Camp (25km) away, sooo they had no idea about the Flash flood……..I am sure Larry is ‘Mishugah’ enough to try it again, BUT …..what an experience……….Pictures… http://www.stantgsm.com/list_pics.php

A few SENIOR Jokes………….. (Not Seriaaaaaaaas ones….).
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

The only reason I would take up walking Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks……………Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there……………

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,…………I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

  If you are going to try cross-country skiing,………………Start with a small country.

Every time I start thinking too much About how I look,
  I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Did some ‘Simcha’ crawling on Sunday to get some pictures and I was very surprised at the ‘Mense’ I saw……The Gelbart / Katzel wedding had quite a few people come from there for the Wedding, and I had met the Gelbarts last year, and Leon and Doreen Kadish were out here as was aul topol and the Bobba & Zaida Erica & Nathan Gelbart also came from Melbourne for the occasion…..was a very nice eveing…….The next was the Katz / Schliesner wedding at Summerplace, and both Leora & Eitan were with my Zunnelle Martin…. at Victory Park…… and the father of the Bride Bram Katz had the Honour of fixing my gearbox when I got home from Cape Town…….they had Dr Victor & the Rasta Rebels as the Band………and the next Simcha was the Davis / Bubbly wedding….and the Chossen Brad Davis’s Dad , Laurence was out from Calgary for the wedding….. the wedding was at Gary Friedman Caterers and Zenith were the Band……..and by the time I reached the Capri, the Fox Batmitzvah was already ‘klaar’, BUT….I did have a ‘Koch’ with the Bobba Ros Schrier , who used to do Flowers at Simcha’s ‘Amolikke Yoren’……and managed a GR888888 picture of the Schrier family……they are all still in the ‘Beloved Country’ except Mandy Sacks who lives in Melbourne ……………. Pictures at ………………… http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

I was speaking with an Anthropologist, who was studying the Inuit (Eskimos).
He is a Methodist, unfamiliar with Jewish customs.
He told me of a group of Inuit who mourn the death of relatives by Sitting on small blocks of ice for a week after burial.
When I asked him what they call this custom of sitting on a block of Ice, he replied:
"I think they call it sitting shiver." ( Oey vy……………..)
The various organizations have joined forces and are working towards getting a strong VOICE supporting Israel, BUT….unfortunately , the 50 or soooo individuals also seem to get a mention in our ‘Neutral’ (Oey vy) Newspapers…..they had a VERY large solidarity gathering at the Yeshiva College / Glenhazel Shul on Sunday, and my Zunnelle Martin went to the Rally in Trafalgar Square http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/jan/12/gaza-israelandthepalestinians The local “Mozzies’ are now trying to get the Chief Rabbi off the Religious setup that all the denominations have…..One thing, they have got ‘Chutzpah’. The ‘Gazza’ war is a real drain on the Israel population and ‘Yidden’ worldwide, and hopefully they can complete there mission with not too much loss of life on either side…….got a lovely picture from Dave Block who met my ‘Old’ Hotelschool Chaver Ralph Lewinsohn on top of Masada….not sure how I became the common denominator…….Ralph lives on Kibbutz Kfar Azza and they have moved out until the hostilities end……not ‘lekker’…..BUT…he is like a ‘Dutchie’ coming from South West Africa (Namibia) and is tough and will pull through………….. http://www.stantgsm.com/list_pics.php Today’s bombing of the UN can only strengthen the outcry, and I reckon ‘Yidden’ worldwide have to be ‘Wakker’.
The Talking Newborn

A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," said the mother.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead
with his index finger…………….. "Hurts doesn't it!?!" (Einaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…)
 
Big action in Lichtenburg over the end of year season with the funeral of the Late Milly Kletz, and my ‘Chaver’ Ezra Berger, the only Yid that actually goes back every week had to organize and prepare the Grave, and they have had no rain for months….it took nearly two days to dig the grave……and a few days after the Funeral they had good rains, and I am sure he will have a good ‘Oes’ (harvest) again….. http://www.stantgsm.com/list_pics.php

Sarah wakes up one morning and utters a loud "Oey Vy." She has a nagging
pain in her left shoulder. She immediately goes to see her doctor.
After examining her, her doctor says, "Do you own a full length mink coat?"
"Yes doctor, mine Abe bought me one for our silver wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Sarah returns after three weeks and says,
"Well doctor, my shoulder has cleared, but I now have a pain in my left index finger."

After examining her, he says, "Do you own a 3 or 4 carat diamond ring?"
"Yes doctor, mine Abe bought me a 4 carat ring to celebrate the birth of Moshe, our first grandson."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, and then book to see me again."
Sarah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, my finger is OK but
I'm now getting terrible headaches behind my eyes."
After examining her, he says, "Do you own a platinum and diamond tiara?"
"Yes doctor, mine Abe bought me one to wear under the chuppa at our
Golda’s wedding."

"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Sarah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, it's a miracle. My
shoulder feels great, my finger feels great and I'm not getting any further
headaches. Thank you very, very much. But I have one question to ask you."
"What is it Sarah……..?" asks her doctor.
"Doctor, how do you treat your Goyishe (non Jewish) patients?"

Must say that as big as the world is, the ‘Yiddisher’ world seems sooooo small….and of course the Souff Effrikken Yidden are spread all over…..Last week , and ex Souff Effrikken, Greg Sher, who lived in Aussie was killed on active Military duty in Afganistan, and already his “Beloved Country’ connection is all over…got an E-mail from Danny Nussbaum, one of our Simcha videomen, whose cousin Esther Goldschlager’s daughter Karen was seeing Greg….I received numerous websites and have put in two of them…..
http://gregsher.com/about/ and http://jta.org/news/article/2009/01/11/1002152/australian-leaders-mourn-fallen-jewish-soldier ... sincere condolences to the whole family….

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly "let off gas".
Luckily the music is very loud.
So every time you let off gas, you time it with the music.
When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus
everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. ..........

You're listening to your I-pod! ( Oey vy…….)

Was a guest at Rabbi David & Chaya Masinters daughter Batsheva’s wedding…She married Eli , Zunnelle of Mordechai & Esther Feiglin of Melbourne……..was a ‘Lebbedikke’ evening with the Chabadniks giving it stick….they had it at the Sandton Convention Centre last night……Very Lebbedik, and of course quite a few Melbourne ‘Yidden’ at the wedding ……..E-mazing how many Melbourne ‘Yidlach’ I met this week, with two of the weddings having a Chossen and the other a Kallah from Melbourne……..Mazeltov to the whole Mishpocha….. Pictures http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

A pompous, wealthy ‘Yiddisher’ woman ( not many of those..??) walks into a butcher shop, taps her fingers arrogantly on the counter and says to Yossel the butcher,
"Butcher, I want a Long Island Duckling." Yossel walks to the back room grabs a duck off the shelf and places it down in front of the woman.

She promptly takes her right hand and inserts two fingers into the rear end of the duck and says, " Yossel, this is NOT a Long Island duckling. It is a Pittsburgh duckling.
I DO NOT WANT a Pittsburgh duckling - take it back.

Yossel mutters under his breath, grabs the duck, goes to the back room, grabs a different duck, and plops it down on the counter. The woman again inserts two fingers up the duck's rear and disgustingly says, "Butcher,
THIS IS NOT A LONG ISLAND DUCKLING - IT IS BOSTON DUCKLING - TAKE IT BACK!

By this time, Yossel is ‘koching’. He grabs another duck off the shelf and practically throws it at the woman. Once again, she inserts two fingers up the duck's rear and says, "Well finally you brought me a Long Island duckling. I'll take it. Wrap it up."

Yossel , seething, wraps up the duck and then the woman arrogantly asks,
" Yossel, how long have you worked here?" He replies, "Two months."
"And where are you from?" she asks. At which point, he pulls down his pants, turns his ‘Tochus’ toward her and says, "WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME!" ( What a ‘Boytjie’ ………)

In my Yomtov Newspaper I had the story of the Girl & the Apple and it has been E-mailed around the World Zillion’s of times……and I did say it was a lovely ‘Meisa’…..and over the holidays I read an article that shocked me…the story about Roma & Herman Rosenblat was ‘almost’ true, and the Crux of the story where the Girl through Apples and bread over the fence to him, where fabricated, to make the story ‘E-mazing’….Doc Irv Lissoos, tipped me off long ago, and I know see that he was 100% correct…… http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/t/rosenblat.htm The link makes for interesting reading……..Methinks it is still a GR8 ‘Meisa’…….

Three ‘Yiddisher’ Ladies in a Sauna

THREE YIDDISHER WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR , WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA, DISCUSSING THE STRESS OF MODERN ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER ‘TOCHUS’…...

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...............
I'M GETTING A FAX!!

JZ (Jacob Zuma) is in Tzorres again, after loosing his appeal to have his charges dropped fore ever, and Methinks that this is going to cause ‘Groot Kak’ among the Impi’s , and we will see a lot of volitality among the masses…….as his ‘Manne’ will stir until the charges are dropped…….. see they are talking about an April election, which is very soon, to counter the COPE Party from getting organized…Methinks that COPE will have BIG support, BUT……in the end the ANC will come in strong….not sure if they will ever have a big majority after these elections….?????

As of today the Government has outlawed the term 'Coon Carnival'.
From now on it must be referred to as
'The Previously Disadvantaged Dentally Challenged Carnival'

The Matric results among the ‘Yiddisher Kinderlach’ was again of a VERY high standard, with an overall pass rate of 100% for all the Schools….with quite a few 8 distinction pupils and Dan Ginsberg came in with 10 (King David VP..) and overall Victory park had GR8888 results…the religious schools also had GR888 results…… I know quite a few of the Matrics that wrote and a special Mazeltov to Jessica Du Plessis (7), Greg Slotsky (5), Ricky Musiker (6), and of course to my Nephew Ari Lyons who did very well at CBC – Crawford (Christian Brothers College for Jews…). Shakeach to the whole Class of 2008 , whether you got 10 or NO distinctions…well done…

FOR the MOST ‘Jacked up’ Yiddisher Wedding registry, ‘Gib A Kuk’ at ;
www.lechaim.co.za ………….Run by Young Yiddisher ‘Boychix’ ……

Happy Birthday to Elsie Sandberg on celebrating her 90th. birthday in Tooo-Run-Tooo (Toronto)…...with most of her family who came for the Occasion…… Elsie’s Late husband Ivan was a ‘Staunch’ golfer at the Kyalami Golf Club for many years….Her daughter and son in Law ,The Chonin’s live in Toronto also….
http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

Happy Birthday to Martin Moritz for yesterday……..Martin is involved with Kulula and Comair Airlines , which run the BOAC airlines locally….Biz Hundred Un Tzvantzig…………….

Mazeltov to Jessica (Thomas) & Greg (Hahn ) on their engagement this week…..Jessicca does the layout for my printed Newspapers and we wish the whole family ‘Mazeltov’……… Pic http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

Mazeltov to Jacqui (Kallmeyer) & (Trevor Boswell)…Yes , Trevor is a distant relation to the Boswell’s from the Circus…… and Jacqui is the daughter of Tina and the Late Kallmeyer……..Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’….when I lived in Lichtenburg, I reckon the Circus was one of the biggest events of the year, and we went to all the shows that came…www.. What Was, Was……..

Mazeltov to Jodi ( Klass ) & Neville Starkowitz on the birth of their twins last month….Big Mazel to Maxi (Maxi’s butchery) & Rena Klass and Linda & Colin Starkowitz…….. Maxi is originally from Springs , and has been running the Butchery for many years on the ‘Kosher’ strip in the Shtetl (Glenhazel)…..

Sincere condolences on the family on the loss of their beloved Golda Lurie, who passed away in Los Angelos……….. Golda’s daughters are Sandra Ezra, and Nola Fox………Golda’s Dad was related to my Bobba, and we used to spend soooo much time at their Bakery , Yeoville Home Industries next to the ‘Bughouse’ opposite Yeoville Primary ( Mid 1960,s) and Golda’s Late brother Phil worked at King David Linksfield for over 25years …..Sincere condolences to the whole family……..

The easiest way to source Simcha ‘Wekkers’ & suppliers is to ‘Gib A Kuk’ at http://www.stantgsm.com/simcha/sg.htm

MANTIS SECURITY TIP (Call 011- 487-1000) of the week;

Quite E-mazing that after the Festive season, the LARGE cash heists virtually dry up…….

The amount of ATM bombings is also down, BUT……small crime is still around on a big scale……………….

Cheque book fraud, have virtually wiped out the use of cheque’s, and other forms of payment should be used.

Internet Banking Fraud is rife, sooooo never access your Account at an Internet Café, and seedy joint.

NEVER divulge your Pin number to anyone.

Check account balances regularly….

Be StreetwiZe and ‘Wakker’ at all times…………….

Call; Mark Kramer @ MANTIS (011-487-1000) for advice and sign up and discuss it with his experienced staff.

Click here to view the website :

http://www.stantgsm.com
Have a good , restful peaceful Shabbos,

If you cannot see the latest letter or Meisa’s, just press F5 a few times which refreshes the website……

The Joke Book is no more available on the website, soooooo get to your Yiddisher store and get the Book…Available in the ‘Beloved Country’ (Joburg, Cape Town and Durban)…..Melbourne, Toronto and Ranana(fontein) in Israel.

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The ‘Stan The Good Shabbos’ Joke Book is now available at Major Bookstores around the ‘Beloved Country’ and also on Kalahari.net …sooo get yours, and eventually when I have recovered my outlay, I can consider a second book….

CLICK HERE Also now available in Irvine at the African Hut www.africanhut.com

Parsha of The Week

B”H
Sermonette Shemos
Rabbi Yossy Goldman
Sydenham Shul,
C/O ‘Beloved Country’

Jewish Population Control

This week we open a new book, Exodus, second of the Five Books of Moses. The story of our Parsha, Shemos, begins with the enslavement and bitter bondage of the Israelites in Egypt. In spite of the back-breaking oppression, the hardship and humiliation, the Jewish people would be forged in the fiery furnace of exile.

Jewish women, in particular, are given much of the credit for our eventual deliverance. In the merit of the righteous women of that generation was Israel redeemed from Egypt (Sotah 11b). The most important contribution of the women then was that they were prepared to bring children into the world despite the most impossible living conditions. Furthermore, it was they who encouraged the men folk to raise families during their slavery. The Talmud recounts how the women would soothe their husbands in the fields, charming and easing them into intimacy. Through their dedication was a generation born.

And today? There is no bondage and little suffering in our lives. Our biggest hardship is paying the mortgage, tuition fees, and fixing the transmission in the second car. Even those among us who struggle financially live far more comfortably than any of our forbears. But we have been so conditioned, make that brainwashed, by a societal value system and media manipulation, that anybody with more than three children is positively primitive and, oh so crude.

Everyone knows that the very first commandment in the Bible is Be Fruitful and Multiply and all of us are called upon to build and populate the world. But the argument goes that this only applied in the beginning of time when there was Adam and Eve and a handful of others, but today we suffer from overpopulation, hunger and poverty. Well, everyone also knows that overpopulation is not a problem in affluent countries and communities. And we also know that hunger could be alleviated if there was an equitable global food distribution program. Having another kid in California isn’t really going to cause starvation in Bangladesh.

Certainly from a uniquely Jewish perspective, we Jews are grossly under populated. We have still not replaced the one third of our nation wiped out in the Holocaust. By now, we should have been far more numerous. Sure, our numbers are depleting because of assimilation but also because we are having smaller families. Jews seem to take the two per family rule more seriously than most. If anything, we can claim a dispensation from Zero Population Growth on the grounds that we are still making up our losses. Besides, chances are we won’t be turning to the United Nations or the World Bank for their assistance. If necessary, we will help ourselves.

Then there is Israel. Let’s face it. A factor which exacerbates our difficulties in the Middle East is that Palestinians have more children than Israelis. If every Israeli family had one more child we wouldn’t be so dependent on massive Aliyah numbers from around the world.

Isn’t it expensive to have a big family? Without doubt, more mouths to feed, clothe and educate means a bigger family budget. But it is also a question of priorities, allocations and making choices. A family vehicle instead of a luxury car is only one example of how larger families manage. At the end of the day, we trust in G-d and really do believe that with every new child comes a new blessing of sustenance from Hashem to help us raise that child.

Over the years, on many occasions I have heard women past menopause say they wish they had had more children. How many famous actresses have been busy with their careers and when they were finally ready to start a family, it wasn’t easy. Their own biological clocks ticked away while they were playing other people’s lives on screen.

My wife and I have, thank G-d, been blessed with a large family. Over the years, we have been on the receiving end of many jokes and snide remarks. With incredulous, wide eyes people asked my wife, how many children do you have?! Her stock answer? One of each. I can well appreciate the Rabbi who got tired of all the dirty looks at his kids. Wise guys would challenge him with questions like when are you going to stop?! His reply? When I hit Six Million! End of discussion.

So, if you’re feeling broody, go for it. If you want to bring yourself many beautiful blessings (not to mention grandchildren) for many years to come, have another child. Don’t be intimidated by convention, cynics, or even your mother in law! Plan a larger family. It’ll make you larger than life and give you much satisfaction and nachas – for life.

Our grandmothers in Egypt were heroines. Their faith built a nation. May we do our share and, please G-d, we will be redeemed too.

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