Good Shabbos

GOOD SHABBOS
17 December 2008

Dear All,

The weather is HOT with a lot of rain around, BUT…..you can catch a ‘Goef’ (swim) straight after the rain as t is very hot………

Sport this last week was VERY droooooog, and very little around……and the Cricket test starting in Perth today, will give an indication of what is going to happen…..Holding thumbs for the BOKKE…………….’OUR’ Rugger Captain & Cricket Captain…. Smit & Smith both use Callaway Golf Clubs…thanks to Mike and Alvin at Callaway golf Souff Effrikka for the Picture of John Smit with his clubs…. http://www.stantgsm.com/list_pics.php

Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels.
The Menorah was set on the chimney, alight'Twas the night before Chanukah,
Boychicks and meidels……………………In the kitchen the Bobba ‘hoet’ gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay ….and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmack, the kinderlech felt while dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt.
The clock on the mantle piece away was tickin' and Bubba was serving a ‘schtiella’ chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand baruchas,……Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,….while Bobba was now on the herring and rye.
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my ‘gutka’s’
While Bobba was busy devouring the latkes……To the window I ran and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes……Then he got to the door and saw the Menorah,

"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora…….I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,
But as long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."With much geshrei, I asked, "Du binst a Yid?"
"Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid."…"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,
A guppell, a schtickella fish."……With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlach and kreplah gegessen. …
Along with his meal, he had a few schnapps,When it came to eating, this boy was the tops.
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
But they were so hot, he yelled "Oy Gevalt."
Unbuttoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch,And said, "Your Kosher essen is simply delish."
As he went to the door, he said "I'll see you later,
I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the Seder."
More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzak, now Sammy,
Now Irving and Maxie, and Moishe and Mannie."
He gave a geshrei as he drove out of sight:
"Gooten Yomtov to all, and to all a good night."

Sunday is the first night of Chanukah, and the lighting ceremonies around the World are VERY impressive….in The ‘Beloved Country’ Chabad is organizing the Lighting at the new Norwood Mall (Pick ‘ Pay Hyper…Old Portuguese Gardens), In the Cape Don't Miss the Party of the Year! It's Chanukah time and that mean's we're gearing up for Chanukah @ Dolphin Beach ! Yep, the Fireworks Show, exciting entertainment, live music by Tyrone Lipman ( he grew up with the Marathan Man (Johnny Birin) in Port Elizabeth, delicious Braai and Felafel Dinner, real live Firetrucks and so much more...
Sunday 21 December, 6:30 - 8:30 pm @ Dolphin Beach - see you then!

The shul's website is www.theshul.co.za or you can get more details by e-mailing Rabbi@theshul.co.za and in Umhlanga at the local Chabad…….. www.chabdnc.com ……see http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php The various Shuls in the Cape are having the last night at Sea Point High School (28th. December)…. a Concert with Int'l superstar Yehuda Glantz….. www.theshul.co.za Plett they reckon is ‘THE’ place this year, with many ‘Yidlach’ going there, and of course the ‘Mishugas’ is that you have to fly in to George, which is Chock-a-block, soooo they are flying to as far as Port Elizabeth and driving up…The Plett Shul is having its ‘Amptelikke’ (official) opening first night Chanukah at the NEW Shul and all are invited to make it a most memorable occasion……….
My Zunnel’s Joel & Martin in London sent me the London one .. You are invited to join the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson and other leading dignitaries to celebrate the lighting of our specially designed 30ft high Menorah, in the presence of thousands of Londoners.
The event will be on Monday December 22nd 2008, from 4.30pm in Trafalgar Square (Nogall). We will be hosting activities for all, including a krav maga martial arts demonstration, juggling, clown and magician as well as music, donuts and other refreshments.
"Your presence at Trafalgar Square will show solidarity with the victims of Mumbai by bringing more light into the world this Chanukah"
Rabbi Gershon Overlander ,Rabbi Dovid Katz…….Chabad House of Hendon…Very ‘Pukkah’…………

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. (Oey vy………….)

Morris was making out his Chanukah list... ……..
"Honey," he says to Becky da wife, "How do you spell DVD?"

Bagel Toss:
A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches of the Chanukah.

Couch potato latke in search of the right apple sauce.
Let's try it for 8 days…………Who knows? (Ot Azay…Why not…???)

Latka’s , dreidels etc, are are part of the Miracle of Chanukah, and I have put a Joke about the “ Yiddisher weapons of Mass destruction at ; http://www.stantgsm.com/list_jokes.php there are not many good Chanukah jokes, BUT…I will include a few favourites………The drive in the ‘Beloved Country’ this year for Chanukah is to give a candlesticks and matches to other ‘Yidden’ who do not usually light….try it……even www.frumster.com have a special to find your Bashert (chosen one) before Chanukah……E-mazing how many different spellings there are for Chanukah (makes my spelling look good..??)

There are many misconceptions about the differences between Christmas and Chanukah. This should clear them up!

Christmas is one day, same day, every year: December 25th. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to the movies and out for Chinese food.

Chanukah is eight days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that is.
No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jew asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Jewish funeral home.

Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us. We survived. Let's eat.

Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos. Jews get practical presents such as underwear or socks.

There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.

Christmas is at time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends.
Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden.
No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

Christmas carols are beautiful – Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by Jews. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully.

A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people gather around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.

Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes.

Parents deliver to their children on Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights

The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and ‘Yoshke’. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our gentile friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think "Joseph, ‘Bubbela’, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d.
Here's the number of my shrink.

Yesterday was the ‘old’ Ding-Dong’s day (Dingaan’s day) and for some reason, the Men from the Ministry seem to smaaaak that day, and the new political party COPE was launched and in Vrystaaaaaaaaat (Bloem) Nogaal….only time will tell, BUT….methinks, the Original ANC will Klap them at the elections and they will most probably ‘gup’ voters from the DA….???? We are in for one Hell-of-a-time in 2009, with elections and of course the Sokka 2010 not far off……the place is in such a mess, and if they do not get the roads finished, it will be chaos……I believe they started toooo late with toooo many projects all at once, and if we have ‘games’ with Escom in January, we will have plenty Tzorres…..hoping they have factored all the KAK in sooo that we can get moving…….

The teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy.
"Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed
and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents, "

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office.
We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing,
" What a friend we have in ‘Yoshke’……..."
Then we all go to the Bahamas. (Oey vey) ! ! !

Did a ‘Locum’ at Jason Schmullian and Tanya Glatt’s wedding at the Sandton Shul on Sunday night, and it was one of those ‘lebbedikke’ Frumme weddings…….. What a lively wedding…….and they never stopped dancing…..my Nephew Michael is married to Tanya’s sister Ali…..Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’…. Pic’s.. http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

Denny has a room to rent for the period of the Maccabi games, with Double bed, bathroom, full use of kitchen, internet, TV in the salon, in Raanana. GR8888888
Price………….contact …….. dennyg@bezeqint.net

Popped into the Dani Shiller / Dale Perkel wedding on Monday…….Trevor, Dale’s dad was with me at Highlands 1966-1970, and his BOET Ray, who ran the Lubavitch Band for many years was also there, and Irwin Schloshberg EMI records), all ex Highlands….Linda Isdale (Johnny’s wife…) was there from Sydney and her Schvester Brenda Getz who still stays in Joburg……Mazeltov to the whole family http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

Dave, a Texas redneck stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table, not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "what is that you just served?" The waiter replied,
"Ah Senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull
fight this morning. It's a delicacy!"

The Texan said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied,
"I am so sorry Senor, there is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy."
The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only delicacy of the day. After a few bites. Inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
"These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied.
"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins……… (Einaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah……..)

Carole has written to me that her family are going to Israel from Sydney for 1 year and would like to rent their house. They live in Dover Heights, a 5 minute walk from Dover Heights Shule and have a lovely 5+ bedroom home overlooking the ocean. Contact Carole for further details, etc……. caroles@darimikidz.com

"Do you know the whereabouts of the following people. The SAZF needs to be in touch with them BRETT KREE, DOUGLAS AND CAROLYN BUNGE & DAN BLUM" ….. 011 645 2505 or froma@beyachad.co.za Drop Froma a line if you have a contact number or e-mail……

How to call the police…in the ‘Beloved Country’……………..
Van Der Merwe (Van) was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the
shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
Van said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again,
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance
showed up at Van’s residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to Van : "I thought you said that you'd shot them!
“Van said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"……(Vat hom Fluffy…….)

The Mandela 46664 bamgle has created big interest, and I was asked ‘How much goes to charity’..??? 65% of Gross profit (Not nett—that is huge).
http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php Must say, looking around in Shul last week, many people had up to 3 different bangles on…I know about the Lance Armstrong one, and the Tsunami one…not sure about the others………
’Gib A Kuk’ @ www.fruittijewels.com

How come it takes 6 men to carry a man to his grave but only one woman to put him there ????????????

Said the good girl to the bad girl "It's awfully hard to be good"
Said the bad girl to the good girl "It's got to be hard to be good"

My Zunnelle Joel is getting into the ‘Kosher’ catering ‘Mishugas’ in London, and works for Royal Cuisine……’Gib A Kuk’ at their website www.royalecuisine.co.uk
Never know when you will need Catering in London……Mazeltov to the Shapkaitz family for their ‘Gasener’ on Monday in London….OUR Rabbi, Siggy Suchard from the Sandton Shul is flying in for the wedding………….

The El Al plane landed at Ben Gurion airport and as it taxied to the terminal,
the voice of the captain came on:
"Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane has
come to a complete stop at the gate, and the seat belt signs have been turned
off. We also wish to remind you that cell phones may not be used until the exit
doors have been opened.

"To those who are still seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope
that you enjoy your visit to Israel.
To those of you standing in the aisles and talking on your cell phones,
we wish you a Happy Hanukkah, and welcome back home." (Tanx Betty in USofA….)

The Madoff story is bad for the ‘Yiddisher’ people and organizations…..Soooo many big Charity organizations had their GELD invested with his company and they have lost $$ Billions http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/1046748.html The sad thing is that he has been running a glorified Pyramid Company for years, and it was the current Financial melt down that brought him down….They MUST ‘FRY’ him as an example, instead of the light fines the Blue Collar Crime Mumzers have been getting…….really worrying when one reads the article and sees how much some Organizations will loose…..On the Home front, people seem quite relaxed about the Financial squeeze with the Petrol price drop, and the 0.5% drop in rates….BUT the Manne have warned…Beware if you keep up with the spending spree…rates will not come down further…..
This Financial roundup brought to you by TAXRELAX www.taxrelax.co.za

Seems like Upington had even more ‘Yidden’ than Lichtenburg…got an e-mail from Steven who would like to know if any of you remember his Late Father Dr. Lockie Fainman…..drop Steven an e-mail at ; stevenferrer@aol.com

LIFE
When I'm in a sober mood I worry, work, and think.
When I'm in a drunken mood I gamble, play, and drink.
But when my moods are over and my time has come to pass.
I hope I'm buried upside down, so the world can kiss my ‘Toochus’.

Off to Cape Town EARLY tomorrow morning….Please remember to have ‘Ragmonis’ on my Komputta for the next two weeks, although I will get to a ‘Fashtunkende’ Internet Café to check…..Need some GR8 short, clean jokes….
Have a GR8 Yomtov and holiday…………… Next letter 8th January, 2009.

As we get to the end of the year, I would like to thank ALL my sponsors (Advertisers-Chavers) for their generosity, which helps make ends meet, sending the letter each week etc…… To Rabbi Yossy “G” (Goldman) Sydenham Shul, C/O ‘The Beloved Country’ thanks for the weekly ‘VORT’ that you send as it is very much appreciated by the ‘Shabbos’ readers……..

FOR the MOST ‘Jacked up’ Yiddisher Wedding registry, ‘Gib A Kuk’ at ;
www.lechaim.co.za ………….Run by Young Yiddisher ‘Boychix’ ……

Mazeltov to Robyn (Greenblatt) and Ashley (Brener) on their engagement this week….. I have done many Simcha’s for the Greenblatt family and Alan & Michelle Brener , Ashley’s parents (OZ), used to stay in the same block of flats (Rosemount-Waverley) 30 years ago……Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’…

Mazeltov to the Kaplan / Woolf family on the engagement of Leanne (Kaplan) & Gilad (Woolf )…Leanne was from Joburg and the Woolf family from Durban…..
Mazeltov to the parents Marilyn and David Woolf and Audrey (Bental) & Roy Kaplan……..I have known the Kaplan & Bental families for many years..Leanne was with my Zunnelle Martin at King David Victory Park…..Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’……………………..

Mazeltov to Lauren Hahn who got engaged to Graeme Ginsburg in Los Angelos…Quite E-maing that Graeme sister got engaged 2 weeks ago, and is the Zunnelle of Glenda (Kupshick) and Doc Phillip Ginsburg…..although Lauren was born in LA, her parents Glenda(Freeman) and Mervyn Hahn are from the ‘Beloved Country’ ‘Amolikke Yoren’ and Glenda points out that we did their wedding 30 years ago at the Jewish Guild……..Glenda was from Springs and Mervyn an old Athlone ‘boytjie’…Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’, spread around the ‘Yiddisher’ world….. http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

Mazeltov to “Mr.”Brad Jones who is getting married to Simone Adelson from Durban at the Mount Nelson in Cape Town on Monday……..The ‘Marathan Man’ Johnny Birin is flying in for the wedding….Mazeltov to the whole Mishpocha….

Happy Birthday to “ Uncle” Archie Cohen who turned 91 this week, and was smiling like a ‘Cheshire Cat’ the whole day……been a long ride, BUT….Arch has done very well…. Archie is Dennis, my old Stan & Pete’s father…… Many more to come…Mazeltov……… Gotta LUV Senior Citizens…………..

4 old mischievous Bobba’s were sitting at a table at Our Parents Home.
About then an old Grandpa walked in . One of the old Bobba’s yelled out saying,
'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are !!'
The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Bobba’s said, 'Sure we can!....Just drop your pants and under shorts...
and then we can tell your EXACT age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 91 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, the 4 old Bobba’s happily yelled in unison-'We were at your birthday party yesterday!' …..(Happy Birthday “ Uncle Arch”……………)

Sincere condolences to Oshy Tugendtaft on the passing of his beloved wife Karin…….and to the whole family, sincere condolences…….. ……

The easiest way to source Simcha ‘Wekkers’ & suppliers is to ‘Gib A Kuk’ at http://www.stantgsm.com/simcha/sg.htm

MANTIS SECURITY TIP (Call 011- 487-1000) of the week;

They reckon that ATM heists and FRAUD is 2008’s biggest nightmare…

Never divulge your PIN number or get help at a ATM

Make sure no one can see you put your PIN in…

If the machine looks like it has been tampered with, move on

General tips…….

Never open the door automatically when the bell rings, check whose there. if you are suspicious call the Police 10111 and your own Security company

When filling up with petrol, take the Key out of the ignition….

Be ‘Wakker’ while away and StreetwiZe…………….

Call; Mark Kramer @ MANTIS (011-487-1000) for advice and sign up and discuss it with his experienced staff.

Click here to view the website :

http://www.stantgsm.com
Have a good , restful peaceful Shabbos,

If you cannot see the latest letter or Meisa’s, just press F5 a few times which refreshes the website……

The Joke Book is no more available on the website, soooooo get to your Yiddisher store and get the Book…Available in the ‘Beloved Country’ (Joburg, Cape Town and Durban)…..Melbourne, Toronto and Ranana(fontein) in Israel.

From Stan and the Clan.
smookler@netactive.co.za

PRO – Stan & Pete Caterers ( Corporate )
and Medical Aid Broker Supreme!!
Cell 082-4547860

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The ‘Stan The Good Shabbos’ Joke Book is now available at Major Bookstores around the ‘Beloved Country’ and also on Kalahari.net …sooo get yours, and eventually when I have recovered my outlay, I can consider a second book….

CLICK HERE Also now available in Irvine at the African Hut www.africanhut.com

Parsha of The Week

The Child in the Pit - Parshas Vayeshev
Rabbi Yossy Goldman
Sydenham Shul,
C/O ‘Beloved Country’

There is high drama in the Bible this week as we read the story of Joseph and his brothers. Technicolor dream coats, sibling rivalry, terrifying pits and attempted fratricide dominate the Parsha proceedings.

When the brothers plot to actually kill Joseph, Reuben, the eldest, makes a valiant effort to save Joseph's life and suggests that instead they throw him into a pit. That would be sufficient to teach him a lesson and no blood need be shed. In fact, according to Rashi, the Torah itself testifies that Reuben's intention was to save Joseph from the pit.

But destiny had a different plan.

While Reuben was away, the brothers sold Joseph into slavery. When he returns to rescue him, the boy is gone and he rends his garments in grief.

But where was Reuben when the sale took place? Why wasn't he there with his brothers at the time? Where did he suddenly disappear?

Rashi gives two possible explanations. 1) It was his turn to go and serve his aged father. The brothers had a roster and Reuben's time had come, so he was back at the ranch. 2) Reuben was busy doing Teshuvah (Repentance) with sackcloth and fasting because he had interfered with his father's sleeping arrangements (Genesis 35, 22).

I remember hearing the Lubavitcher Rebbe ask. According to the second opinion, Reuben left Joseph in the pit to go and busy himself with "sackcloth and fasting," i.e. his own repentance for his sins. So let's take a look and see what happens as a result. Reuben is absent, so Joseph is sold into slavery. He is sold and resold and eventually is taken down to Egypt. There he is imprisoned on false charges and, one day, rises to sudden prominence by successfully interpreting the Pharaoh's dreams. He becomes Viceroy of Egypt, then meets his long lost brothers when they come searching for food during the famine. After revealing his true identity, he brings his father Jacob and the entire family down to Egypt where he supports and sustains them.

And that is precisely how the Jews became slaves in Egypt. It all started with Joseph being taken from the pit and sold to the Egyptians. Why? Because Reuben decided to be busy doing Teshuvah! I remember the Rebbe thundering, "The whole Egyptian exile can be traced to Reuben's ill-timed Teshuvah! When a young Jewish boy is languishing in the pit, that is not the time for Teshuvah. That is the time to save a Jewish child!"

Of course, Teshuvah is a wonderful Mitzvah. In a way, it is the greatest mitzvah of all because in can repair the damage done by failing to observe all other mitzvahs. And yet, there is a time to do Teshuvah and a time to save lives. And when a life is in danger, even Teshuvah really must wait.

The analogy of the Jewish child in the pit resonates powerfully today. It is not only about saving lives physically, but also spiritually. How many millions of Jewish children are at risk spiritually? And how many Jews, indeed how many Rabbis, become preoccupied with their own personal spiritual upliftment while ignoring the plight of young people "in the pits?"

It is a sobering thought and one that demands a response.

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