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GOOD SHABBOS
17 December 2009 |
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Dear All,
When I left Gauteng (Ou Transvaal) for the fairest Cape, the weather was still upside down, and it has rained every evening for the past two week, with heavy rain, not just drops…..and of course Thunder & lightening a plenty ………………
Methinks that the ‘Rugger’ bubble could burst in 2010. The players seem to have lost the ‘killer’ touch, and the Coach PDV will have to step up a few notches, and prove that the last World Cup win, and subsequent wins, was not done with players groomed by Jake (The fake) White, and stamp his authority, or he could be looking for a new job, come next Xmas, which I doubt, as he is a BEE appointment, and it is going to take a lot to give him the ‘Chop’……..His only option is to get in early, and get some credible wins…….and prove it is ‘Tukka’ the PDV era, that has kept us on top……
The ‘Rugger’ World Cup (95) movie started this week….here is the trailer link
http://www.rugbymag.com/fan-zone/video/invictus-movie-trailer.aspx
The Cricket seems to be in worse shape, with Kallis being hailed as ‘OUR’ savior……Oey vey…he was a GR8888 player, BUT…..and it is going to take courage, BUT…Mickey (Mouse) Arthur and ‘OUR’ Captain Courageous will have to go, as both are not performing….with Smith getting the odd good score, BUT…showing really poor skills in the Captaincy…….we need good bowlers desperately …..Methinks that the Test series against England will be ‘Droog’, with not great crowd attendance……gone are those GR88888 Xmas –New Year tests…….I see that Ntini is being hailed as OUR saviour….Einaaaaah…….
99 % of lawyers give the rest a bad name……..
What a mess Tiger has made, and him giving up Golf, is a sad day for the game……..when one thinks about Mohammed Ali….and how the World stood up and supported Boxing, and with his departure Boxing has never been the same…..Hopefully he keeps in Shape and makes a speedy return……
Alistair the Ethical
Brett the barber was on his death bed.
He wanted badly to take some of his money with him.
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $10 million cash each to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $5 million into the envelope because I needed $5 million for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," Doctor Brett said, "I only put $5 million in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $5 million ".
Alistair the lawyer was aghast.
"I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $10 million ."
I am in Cape Town already, and was not going to do a letter this week, BUT…at the Gecelter –Winer wedding last week, I promised a few of the Lawyers present that I would do a short letter, and use quite a few Law jokes…always remember they are only JOKES…….The wedding was GR8888, and Serena and Jules have been Chavers for many years, having been in the Army with Jules in 1971 (Lenz)……..and I did the Chossen, Jarred Winers Barmy, ‘Amolikke Yoren’…..Paul & Jill Winer were at the Sandton Shul for many years, and Paul is at Partner at Werkmans, the Law firm…..Mazeltov to Tarryn (Gecelter) & Jarred on their marriage…..Pictures … http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php
This letter is dedicated to the many lawyers I spoke to at the Chasener, and also the ones that were not there…….’Sterkte’………Hope Bernard appreciates my effort…………..
Mrs. Cohen, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-third is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, one eighth to his secretary; and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Morris answered, ... "A good lawyer!" Mmmmm
Tonight is the gathering of ‘Yidlach’ at Bloubergstrand, Cape Town for the Lighting of the ICE Chanuka………….organized by the Chabad of the West Coast…….Tomorrow, Friday (Shabbos) they are having a Special Shabbos…see
http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php for details. of course on Tuesday the 22nd. December, there is a Chazzonis concert in Sea Point, at the City Hall….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnIcPoY3cCk A Hannukah song…..
A ‘Funny’ Hanukkah clip; Click here: YouTube - I'm Keeping Kosher for Christmas
The 101 Youtube Chanukah funnies…
http://www.jr.co.il/videos/chanukah-videos.htm
Neil Diamond’s Chanukah song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOegH4uYe-c
“OUR’ Very own, Choni Goldman’s Chanukah song…
The Chanuka Song Highveld The Chanuka Song 5FM
http://www.stantgsm.com/list_jokes.php
A man telephones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer.
The receptionist replies: I'm sorry but he died last week.
The next day the same man phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the man calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says
"I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week.
Why do you keep calling?"
The man says, "Because I just love hearing it."
Got a well written response by Gabi Kobrin about ‘Mozzie’ muscling in on Campuses…Gabi is the daughter of my Chavers Brian & Debbie Kobrin who live in London, and Brian is the local ‘Yiddisher’ optician……
http://thebeaveronline.co.uk/2009/12/03/furthering-the-debate-ashamed-of-my-union/
A note was sent by ‘our’ local SAZF about a visit by one of ‘OUR’ Manne… to London Statement from the Board of Deputies, the Community Security Trust and the Jewish Leadership Council:
As British Jewish community organizations, we believe that racism in all its forms must be confronted. We have a history of working together with allies throughout British civil society, to foster an atmosphere of tolerance and respect where racists are unable to succeed.
We are appalled that the University and College Union brought Bongani Masuku to Britain. The South African Human Rights Commission (SAHRC) recently found that Mr. Masuku’s statements amounted to hate speech against Jews and Israelis. Furthermore, the SAHRC found that he "surely intended to incite violence and hatred”. Mmmmmm..Gabi is on the right track……
Law Pertaining to Divorce
Be a good housekeeper.
When you leave him ... get a good lawyer ...keeps his house
A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!
One should never lie.
One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it you become a lawyer.
If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?
Numerology
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice,
"How much do you want it to be?”
A touching letter from a non Souff Effrikken about the valuable work being done by SA Friends of Beth Hatefutsoth, can be read at ; http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php They have come out with 3 Excellent books on ‘Yiddisher’ life in the Platteland, which are ‘Tukka’ Coffee table books…
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads
out Jack's Last Will and Testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus, the Jaguar and my business.
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, ……… I leave my sun lamp."
My ‘Old’ Hotelschool Chaver Julian Wolfson, who is the Manager at Wingate Country Club (Pretoria) for the past 20 years, wife Diane has just taken over the running of the Pretoria Jewish Chronicle from Myra Egdes who has been the ‘Balabos’ for the past 40 years…Mazeltov Diane and lots of Good news from Pretoria….
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"
Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him,
looked him straight in the eye and said, . . .
"Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door,
it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college.
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ……..
"No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"
http://www.flixxy.com/worlds-fastest-magician.htm ; This is MAGIC.....
Abe went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," Abe replied.
"Okay, then write him a nasty letter asking him for the $1000 he owes you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," Abe insisted.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will then have the proof we need to nail him."
Popped into the Fuhr –Kirkel wedding at the Johannesburg City Hall, and the Hall looked E-mazing, with pre-dinner buffets in the side rooms, which have lattice work on the walls which must be 80 years old….Miguel really did the Hall up nicely, and it was a very gracious wedding, that went on till late…with the Marathon Man (Johnny Birin) giving it stick…..Ian & Shelley Fuhr stay up the road from em, and we have done many functions for them, and the Kirkels are originally from Pietermaritzburg, and I met a few of the remaing ‘Yidden’ ( 6 families) from there at the wedding…Had a long chat with Ben Lurie who travels every weekend to Durban to attend Shul, and he tells me that the furniture was donated to the Essenwood Shul and they use it in the Small Shul….. The City Hall is still a Great looking building, BUT…alas it is the surrounding Neibourhood that is not sooo Kosher, BUT…for those that know the venue , you park underground and get straight into the Hall…was a ‘Lekker’ wedding…..
Pictures; http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php
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Corruption.
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Well, as I said, this letter would be short, with plenty ‘LAW’ jokes and a few Chanukah Meisa’s….……Enjoy the Holidays, and will write again on the 14th. January…Have ‘Ragmonis’ on my Komputta…I will be checking every now and then……keep the ’Drek’ till I get back…….
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" (Einaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…)
FOR the MOST ‘Jacked up’ Yiddisher Wedding registry, ‘Gib A Kuk’ at;
www.lechaim.co.za ………….Run by Young Yiddisher ‘Boychix’ ……
Mazeltov to Kerri (Beck) & Ryan Goldberg on the birth of their Zunnelle this week…. Kerri’s Dad Rodney was at Highlands, and Ryan’s dad Hilton also….BUT…I know the Goldberg’s from ‘Amolikke Yoren’ in Lichtenburg…Hilton’s :ate Uncles Hilka & Issy were there, and the Hurricanes Steakhouse in Bondi was started by Hilka’s Zunnelle Aubrey, whose Zunnelle Craig know runs….What a small world…….Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’….
Mazeltov to the Penn / Kurland families on the engagement on Sunday…..the Late Ruth Cowen from Lichtenburg was a Kurland from Upington and was an Aunty….and of course Ronnie Penn was at Cyrildene Shul for many years and is still at the Sandringham gardens as an Accountant….mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’ .Pics at ; http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php
Mazeltov to Elisha (Janet) & Daniel Joffe on their Chasener in Atlanta….Elisha is the daughter of Meyer & Carol Janet, and her Aunty Luba (B’nei Brith) is still here in the Beloved Country and went for the wedding….Jose Stern, the Sydenham Shul Choirmaster and Conductor was also there to assist with the Chuppa …Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’…. http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php
Mazeltov to Yael (Bliedon) & Jeremy Bank on their Chasener @ Iseldikwe (Modderfontein...)….this is ‘Tukka’ in ‘Alle Drerden uf un Dek ‘(Bundu-Timbuktu..) BUT…was a lovely Simcha Catered by Riva Flax…..the setting was E-mazing, and the weather ‘amper’ (nearly) caused havoc……I have been ‘chavers’ with Heather & Brian Bank for many years, and of course with Heathers parents Silvia & Arnold (Israel)….and Jeremy & Greg were in my lift scheme ‘Amolikke Yoren’……Heathers Boet bently (Australia) was my Dentist before going to Oz a life time ago….Heather’s other Boet Errol was a Mishgiach for us 25 years ago, and lives in Israel these days…..Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’….. http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php
Sincere condolences to the Phillips family on the passing of their beloved Lillah….A true Lady till the end….and always smiling….her Zunnelle’s Laurence and Kenny were both at Highlands and they stayed across the road from the school next to the Portuguese Gardens ‘Amolikke Yoren’…….Sincere condolences to the whole family on their loss…….
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Have a peaceful, restful Shabbos….…
From Stan and the Clan.
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The ‘Stan The Good Shabbos’ Joke Book is now available at Major Bookstores around the ‘Beloved Country’ and also on Kalahari.net …sooo get yours, and eventually when I have recovered my outlay, I can consider a second book….
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Please remember that the VORT comes in after the sign off, and is a self standing item…
Check out the new Archive Section
on the website where you can view past pictures from Engagements, Weddings, Anniversaries, Births, Bar Mitzvahs / Bat Mitzvahs, and many other Jewish Simchas |
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Parsha of The Week |
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Rabbi Yossy Goldman,
Sydenham Shul,
C/O ‘Beloved Country’
Greyser Dank to Rabbi Yossy, for all the time he spends doing the weekly ‘Vort’ for MANY publications and communities………
Some Chanukah Meisa’s…………
Happy Chanukah from our home to yours
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHANUKAH....OY! WHAT A SHOCK!
SOMEBODY OUTSIDE WAS PICKING OUR LOCK!
AND THERE AT THE DOOR STOOD A 'ZAYDA' IN BLUE-
AND HE WORE ON HIS KUPP ….A BLUE YARMULKA, TOO!
HIS PUNIM WAS SHAIN-…..EVERYBODY WOULD LOVE IT!
'ROUND HIS NECK HUNG A CHAIN WITH A GOLD MOGEN DOVID!
HE WORE SILKEN TSITZES BENEATH HIS WOOL VEST,
AND A SMALL FLAG OF ISRAEL WAS DRAPED ON HIS CHEST!
HE SAID: "I'M NO BURGLAR, SO PLEASE DON'T BE NERVOUS.
I'M THE SPIRIT OF CHANUKAH, HERE AT OUR SERVICE!"
"MENCHEN ALL CALL ME 'REB' SHALOM SHAPIRO!
WITHOUT ME, THIS YOM-TOV MIGHT NEED A NEW 'H ERO!'"
"I VISIT ALL YIDLACH, AND BRING - KINNAHORRA-
GOOD FORTUNE AS BRIGHT AS A GLOWING MENORAH!"
"ICH SHLEPP LOTS OF BLESSINGS AND CHANUKAH GELT,
AND JOYS THAT ARE TAKKA THE BEST IN DER VELT!"
"IF YOU KNOW NICE MENCHEN, I'LL VISIT THEM QUICK,
AND I'LL BRING THEM GEZUNT AND A HOUSEFUL OF GLICK!"
SO WE SENT HIM TO YOUR HOUSE, AND SHOOK HANDS AND PARTED.
HE SHOUTED, "SHALOM!" OUT THE DOORWAY HE DARTED!
HE RAN TO A WAGON WITH HORSES AHEAD.
HE FED THEM SOME BAGELS, AND HERE'S WHAT HE SAID:
"LET'S GO, MOISH AND MENDEL! MAKE QUICK, MOE AND YUSSLE!
PLEASE GIVE A RUSH, MALKAH! HEY, HYMIE, PLEASE HUSTLE!"
THEN T H EY RACED LIKE THE WIND! AND THEY GALLOPED SO SHNELL,
ALL HIS CLOTHING BLEW OFF, AND HIS GATKES AS WELL!
SOON HE WAS SO KALT THAT HIS TUSHIE TURNED BLUISH!
HE MOANED AND HE HOLLERED IN ENGLISH AND JEWISH!
SO, DON'T ACT EMBARRASSED, AND PLEASE DON'T BE RUDE
WHEN THAT FROSTBITTEN ZAYDA ARRIVES IN THE NUDE!
QUICK! WRAP HIM IN BLANKETS! DON'T BEAT 'ROUND THE BUSH'!
AND TIE A HOT WATER BAG ON HIS COLD TUSH!
QUICK! FEED HIM SOME CHICHEN SOUP HEISS AS CAN BE!
AND GIVE HIM SOME SHNAPPS AND A GLEZ'L HOT TEA!
'CAUSE HE BRINGS YOU A HOUSEFUL OF CHANUKAH WISHES
AS WARM AND GESHMOCK AS PLATE OF HOT KNISHES!
AND HE BRINGS THEM FROM OUR HOUSE SO FRIENDLYAND BRIGHT,
SO YOUR HOUSE WILL KEEP GLOWING WITH CHANUKAH LIGHT.
PLUS JOY SWEET AS TSUKKER, AND PEACE AND GOOD-CHEER
AND EVERYTHING FRAYLACH EACH DAY OF THE YEAR!
AND NONE IN YOUR FAMILY WILL BE A SHLEMAZEL,
FOR LIFE WILL BRING EACH OF YOU SIMCHAS AND MAZEL!
AND ALL THROUGH THE FUTURE YOUR HOPES WILL COME TRUE,
AND HIMMEL WILL BLESS YOUR MISHPOCHA AND YOU!!!
An “ALL TIME” Classic, read and you will agree………………
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral homes.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Chanukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren.
And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
9. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
10. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Joseph, ‘Bubella’, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d. Here's the number of my shrink".
13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.
The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family.
Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!
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