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GOOD SHABBOS
19 November 2009 |
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Dear All,
The weather is very strange, and summer has ‘Tukka’ not arrived…….with HEAVY storms virtually every day….and my ‘Komputta’ got hit for the 4th. time this year……..even after I just re did my Lightening conductor on my house also……..the first 20/20 Cricket was eventually rained out, and the “Poms’ won on the Duck “Worthless” system…..
The ‘Rugger’ was Oey vey……!!!!!!!! As I said last week, the French would attack for the first minute, and that they did and actually ‘Moered’ OUR Scrum to pieces……from start to finish, it did not look like we could pull out of the low we were in….The ONLY SHPIELER to enhance his reputation was Heinrich Brussouw, and the rest had way below average performances, with even the Bakkies / Matfield combo taking a beating…….on the night….. the 20 – 13 loss was a relief, as it could have been much more……..If John Smit makes the 2011 World Cup, I reckon we are in Tzorres, as I reckon he has reached his Sell by date………along with Adi Jacobs….and it was quite E-mazing to see a seasoned player like Kankowski fumble 5 balls….unheard of stuff……Gonna need some Blotting paper to pick the Manne up from this defeat, and go on to ‘beta’ Italy…Yes, Italy, because on their performance against the Schvartzers, which they JUST lost, they could give our ‘Pack’ another nightmare……Hopefully it is a sunny day, and the ‘Bokkies’ can run around a bit, as a Forward game against Italy, could be a tough one……The Saracens game on Tuesday was another Oey vey, and already the ‘bobbameises is flowing that the Manne are tired, BUT…..in past years, when we won….!!!!!! .. With the Irish looking sharp, this could be another HARD game….
The ‘Poms’ recorded a VERY narrow win against the Puma’s and are ‘Tukka’ not in good shape…….Methinks that Martin Johnson is not a good Rugger coach….and has Zilch personality……the other games were all academic, with the Aussies drawing with Ireland, the Scots winning, and Wales Winning
The first 20/20 of the ‘Poms’ tour was won by the ‘Poms’, due to a rain interrupted game, and the second game at Centurion, was a ‘Tukka’ whitewash with the Bokke making 240 and the Poms bowled out for half the score….I still reckon that 20/20 is like Baseball……..tomorrow is the 50 overs ODI at the Wanderers again, and it looks like rain again……..we are having a ‘Kakhuis Vol’ rain this year…………I see they are still talking about Herschel Gibbs ‘our’ saviour….Oey vey…….
The Sokka 2010 Schmucks…’Bafana Bafana’, managed to draw with Japan in a friendly, which we are told is a marked improvement, from previous matches …? They must be joking, and at R1.8m , surely a coach has to deliver eventually….was good to see a full Stadium in Port Elizabeth Nogall…….reading the Sunday Times is always GR8888 entertainment, and on the Front Page they had an article stating that during Sokka 2010 flights from Joburg –CapeTown for a family of 4 would cost R40,000….Ha, Ha………………
Fiddler on the Roof on Eishhhhhhhhhhhh (Ice)……..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1fCtaYtoGM
Got a E-mail from Sue Phillips, President of Scenterprises (ex Souff Effrikken) who is in the up market Cosmetics/ Beauty field, and they have some E-mazing seminars that the Ladies can attend…of course those in the USofA…….see http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php
“Pigeon Impossible”…rip off of Mission Impossible….sooo well done
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEjUAnPc2VA&feature=player_embedded#
Steve and Cliff are having this talk. Steve says, "My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy Magazines for the samereason." Cliff says, "Why?"
Steve says, " Cause with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit."
The Lubavitch movement worldwide, met in New York again for their annual Rabbi’s Convention (Kinus), that draws 4,000+ and is a major gathering, and it has become popular for Rabbi’s from the Various ‘Outposts’ to bring a few Chaveirim from their congregations along, and I know that Greg Cohen (Dennis’s Zunnelle) went from San Diego, with Rabbi Carlebach Zunnelle, and Joel Linton from Chicago, and Stanley Seeff and Ian Levitt and Alan Kaplan from Souff Effrikka…let me know if you went , from anywhere in the World…..Got a few pictures from Joel…See http://www.stantgsm.com/list_pics.php Rabbi Shlomo Wainer from Umhlanga Chabad was there also, and he ‘Tukka’ looks like one of the locals, although he is 100% Souff Effrikken…Shlomo has really gone out of his way to make visitors to Umhlanga VERY welcome, and has also created the Kosher Bed & Breakfast http://www.uka.co.za/ really a ‘Bakgat’ (nice) place to spend a few days……
"Oh Sarah, I just heard the news" said Esther to her blonde friend. "You poor dear.
Your husband Morris drowned. At least he left you ten million dollars.
It's E-mazing that he made so much money, yet he couldn't even read or write."
Sarah smiled, "Yeah, thank G~d he couldn't swim either."
Flat available 18 December to 22 January. It is situated in Rose Bay, Sydney. It has a double bedroom, 2 bathrooms, large kitchen and lounge dining room and a lovely kitchen. I would like to rent it out to a couple, who keep kosher if possible. Anyone interested can email me and I will tell them all the details. Alternatively they could call me on 029388-3176 or work 02 9388-8955 Ann Fine lenf@bigpond.com drop them a e-mail for more details….
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you fiss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...
"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?" (Einaaaaaaaaaaaaah….).
Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, here is a new AREA for the “Shabbos Man”…A Timeshare available in Mexico…… 3 time share rooms I would like to sell for a fee from Dec the 1st to the 26 in Porta Vallarta Mexico. They are at a non inclusive Gold Crown on the beach There are 2 one bedroom and 1 two bedroom units. If anyone is interested they can contact me at brendajacobs@aol .com ..Mmmm , spoke to my ‘Cuzzie’ in Too-Run-Too Sheila (Sarge Weitzman’s sister) and she tells me the whole family are meeting in Mexico, BUT…….a bit far from Vallata, or they would have taken some, as they still need …… Brenda is ‘Danny K’s’ Aunt…….
Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, the shapely young woman asked, as a last request, that she be hanged in the nude. Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt a last request was not something to be denied.
When the condemned prisoner arrived at the gallows, the hangman gasped,
"My God, you have the most beautiful body I've ever seen."
Came the whispered reply, "It's all yours if you keep your trap shut."
Popped into Alexia Blechman’s Bat Mitzvah and it was an E-mazing Simcha, with friends and relations arriving from around the World……a big surprise was Clive Blechman’s Sister Hazel and her Husband Chazzan Nathan Gluck arriving from London for the day to share the Simcha…..and David Lazarus from Aussie (RAM) and many more…….the theme was Disneyworld, and was very well done by Miguel….and the Video was doen by Mr Mandela (Analdo) and the pictures by Mendelle Bernstein…the Disco was Ronen Bar, and it Tukka was a Lebbedikke Simcha….. See pictures ….. http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted
to send him flowers to congratulate him.
They arrived at the new business site ... but the florist had sent the
wrong flowers.
They had the wrong message on the card! The card read:
"Rest In Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
The florist replied: "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake,
but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this:
Somewhere there is a funeral taking place and they have flowers
with a note saying:
'Congratulations on your new location'!"
It’s Shooby Doob Shloimy time again on the 1st and 2nd Dec. at Eden College Auditorium Johannesburg Rd, Lyndhurst, …. An opportunity for the entire family to enjoy a fun filled, interactive audience participatory show. Shooby Doob and friends who will warm you heart with Jewish values, Lyrics and production by Helen Heldenmuth and music composed by Mark Samowitz, who also plays ShoobyDoob Shloimy..Booking at Kollel book shop or call 0828509779. you can also book by emailing info@shoobydoob.com …the show is E-mazing, and GR8888 for the Kinderlach, and it is ‘amper’ holidays already……
The Shadchen business (matchmaker) has always been an intriguing one…..and I get sooo many requests, BUT…..that is a full time job in its own….and then a few weeks ago I got a call from ‘Twinkle Toes’ (Mark Tocker) who runs a ‘biesel’ of a intro business..( aka MR HITCH)….and I believe he is VERY good…….sooo hopefully in the near future (before I am left on the shelf) I will see some results…….For details on “MR HITCH” , http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php
A few old Shadchen jokes……still worth a laugh….
A Shadchan (matchmaker) sets up a meeting between a young man and a girl.
At the beginning of the meeting, the young man whispers to the Shadchan :
"You lied to me. You told me she was young, beautiful and as svelt as a model.
I come here and I see she's at least ten years older than I am. Not only that ...
but she's ugly and fat!
The Shadchan says, "You can speak louder, she's also deaf."
The prospective groom is in a tizzy. “You told me that this girl was a picture, something unusual, a regular beauty. So when I saw her last night, what did I see? One ear is larger than the other and higher too. The eyes are crossed, the nose is crooked, and one side of her face droops. A real monstrosity.”
“All right, all right,” says the shadchen. “I see already. You don’t like Picasso!”
A shadchan has assured the prospective groom that the girl he has for him comes from a fine family but that the father alav hasholem is no longer alive. During the period of engagement, the groom learns that the father if alive but is serving a prison sentence. He runs to the shadchen: “how could you lie about such a matter? Why did you tell me that her father was dead?” To which the shadchan responds, “Do you call that living?”
Blanche Gurfein, a pillar of the suburban community, was proud of her abilities as a matchmaker. One day Mr Greenthal, a divorced man, telephoned her:
Blanche! You know that widow that you talked me into dating?” “A wonderful woman-“
“Wonderful, she has a terrible limp!”
“Only when she walks!” snapped the shadchente.
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Quite sad that Politics have been intertwined into just about every facet of Souff Effrikken sport, and this week saw the Caster ‘Case’ going forward (???) with the ASA (Athletics Souff Effrikka) being closed down, and the inmates refusing to leave……. And eventually the Cops had to remove them from the building…..the Anthem singer, “RAS” is actually being used as the scapegoat for the dismal display by the ‘Bokkies’ against the French……and now I see that ‘our’ National Flag was hung upside down at the Rugger in ‘Tooo Loose’ (Toulouse) …sooooo
How the ‘Blerry’ hell could we expect the Bokkies to win….Homecoming Revolution had a good Cartoon on the subject..see http://www.stantgsm.com/list_jokes.php ….while there look at that ‘Bakgat’ ‘Dutchie Delight’ ………next was the astonishing claim by our ‘own’ Manne that the ‘Beast ‘ is not legible to play for the Boks, after 19 tests….sooo with all these political angles, how could we expect the Bokke to win……..????
What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
At 78 - If you can get out of bed, that's another story!!!
For the Mamma’s looking for something to occupy the ‘Kinderlach’ during the holidays, Tammy Hack offers Tam Tam Kids…. 082- 8077100 …. http://www.stantgsm.com/list_directory.php Homley’s in the Shtetl (Glenhazel) offer GR88888 specials………. From disposable Party pates, serviettes etc to Corning Ware… ‘Gib A Kuk’ http://www.stantgsm.com/list_directory.php ..with all this damp around, time to call Melvyn in for a Carpet Clean……
Call Mel on: 083 395 6007 / 011 483 3382
A Modern Orthodox (??) Rabbi was having an argument with an Orthodox Rabbi.
He asked him, "Why don't you let the men and women of your congregation sit together as they do in my congregation?"
The Orthodox Rabbi (who had a mischievous sense of humour) replied,
"If you want to know the truth, I don't really mind them sitting together at all.
The trouble is, however, that I give sermons and I can't have them sleeping together."
Newly furnished Single/double room available for weekly rental immediately till the 10/1/2010.It is ON BOndi Beach, and close to ALL ‘ Yiddisher’ facilities…..and parking available….Very reasonable rates……
Contact ; Denise Luboff +61 2 93650670 OR deniseluboff@hotmail.com Denise was a teacher/drama Queen at King David Sandton ‘Amolikke Yoren’ and put out many E-mazing shows…Contact her for information….
Legal but not logical
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", Danny goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Danny: Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?
Professor: Surely I must, otherwise I would not be a professor!
Danny: Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam.
Professor: Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?
Danny: What is legal, but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give Danny an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Still puzzled, the professor later calls on his best student in his class, Sihle, and asks him the same question.
Danny immediately answers,
"Sir, you see, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.
The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical." The professor fainted.
Got an interesting article http://www.jewishweddingnetwork.com/ about the ‘Trump’ wedding, and it turns out that Ivanka Trump, daughter of Donald and Ivana Trump, and an entrepreneur in her own right, married Jared Kushner, publisher of The New York Observer. The couple became engaged just a little over three months ago, after Ivanka completed her conversion to Judaism. What was interesting was that Julian who sent it to me made a comment; “Looks like conversion was done according by a Modern Orthodox Rabbi”. Nuuuuu Vos is a Modern Orthodox Rabbi”…????
Fay Lewis had the launch of her third Cook Book – Be My Guest at Summer Place last night and it was a VERY Chic evening …….the Cream Of the Crop were there , from Jenny Cruys Wllliams to Edith Venter, and of course Jill Merkel, all the way from the Shtetl (Glenhazel)….what an E-mazing book, with incredible pictures to illustrate the dishes…..Wally Clack of Gideon’s Flowers and Functions assisted with the styling for the pictures…….see pictures… http://www.stantgsm.com/list_pics.php
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly Rabbi for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the Rabbi asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."
Betar had a reunion at the Capri Hotel and the Catering by Riva was GR888888…always good to see which of the ‘Yidden’ went to which camp, and there were a lot of Chaveirim I knew, and the Krause Brothers’ were there in full force…….. Two of the oldest Manne from Betar were there….Leon Reich and Mike Levy…… Pictures … http://www.stantgsm.com/list_pics.php
Got an E-mail from David in Too-Run-Too about the TJMC (Toronto Jewish Mail Choir) sang as part of a memorial tribute to Solly Marcus (ex of Cape Town), one of it's founding members at a concert on Sunday. A few videos are on youtube. Viirtually all ex-SA. Two kid solists are sons of choir members. Robbie wulfsohn - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jgi8DHLBvgI
Choir - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2INGLcdSVcY
FOR the MOST ‘Jacked up’ Yiddisher Wedding registry, ‘Gib A Kuk’ at ;
www.lechaim.co.za ………….Run by Young Yiddisher ‘Boychix’ ……
Mazeltov to the Levy family on the birth of their Zunnelle Adva a few weeks ago…. Robyn (Miller) was the Kashrut secretary at the Beth Din for many years, and a Grayser Mazeltov to the whole family……
Mazeltov and HAPPY 1st.Birthday to ChaiFM, our local ‘Yiddisher’ radio station…which has done incredible things in just one year….Shakeach…..
Happy Birthday to Little Stan Gordon in Melbourne, who reckons he is still a ‘Babbella’, soooo I won’t mention his age, BUT….hope to see him next year for his 50th….Happy Birthday ‘Old’ boy, and many more……
Mazeltov to Kerri (Hirschowitz) & Slick, Brick, Trick , Trevor Girnun on the birth of their Prince this week………Kerri’s Late Uncle was Sid Gervis and they had businesses in the Lichtenburg area ‘Amolikke Yoren’…… and of course the Girnun’s have been neighbours for 25 years….Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’……….
Mazeltov and Happy Birhday to Sandra Sher who celebrated her 70th. Birthday at the Killarney Country Club last Sunday….Oey vey, the Sher’s and there extended families are ‘Tukka’ old Chavers and clients of mine having Catered their Son In Law’s Glen’s ( Lazarus) Barmy, over 30 years ago at the ‘Old’ Jewish Guild and of course their Zunnelle Anthony is married to Dick & Gill Sher’s daughter Dalene…Dick is my Accountant for the past 35 years and Gill worked with me at Stan & Pete for 30 years…….Mazeltov Sandra and many more……sooo many old Chavers of mine at the Party, which was very nice……
Pictures http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php
Sincere condolences to the Greenspan family on the loss of their Beloved Doc . Solly….he was ‘Tukka’ a Doctors , Doctor….sooo warm and gentle…will be missed by all…… I know his ‘Kinderlach well, and Felicia (Edelstein) taught my Kinderlach and is now in Israel, Doc Stan Greenspan whose Kinderlach were with mine at King David Sandton and Bev, who is married to David Soloman, who was in my years at Highlands North High…..Sincere condolences to the whole family.
The easiest way to source Simcha ‘Wekkers’ & suppliers is to ‘Gib A Kuk’ at ; http://www.stantgsm.com/simcha/sg.htm
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| MANTIS SECURITY TIP (Call 011- 487-1000) of the week; |
- New Hijacking technique
- The modus operandi at the moment is to get the car guard to run inside the restaurant to tell the patrons that people are breaking into their cars....
- When the guys run out (usually the guys), then the hijackers turn the guns on them, and ask them for their keys, wallets etc,
- And happily drive away in their cars.
- So please, if you hear of someone breaking into your car outside a restaurant etc, DO NOT go outside.... Rather call the police and wait inside.
- Just a warning, FOREWARNED IS FOREARMED!!!
- Be ‘Wakker’ & ‘StreetwiZe’ all the time………
| Call; Mark Kramer @ MANTIS (011-487-1000) for advice and sign up and discuss it with his experienced staff. |
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Have a peaceful, restful Shabbos….…
From Stan and the Clan.
smookler@netactive.co.za
PRO – Stan & Pete Caterers ( Corporate )
and Medical Aid Broker Supreme!!
Cell 082-4547860 |
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The ‘Stan The Good Shabbos’ Joke Book is now available at Major Bookstores around the ‘Beloved Country’ and also on Kalahari.net …sooo get yours, and eventually when I have recovered my outlay, I can consider a second book….
CLICK HERE Also now available in Irvine at the African Hut www.africanhut.com |
Please remember that the VORT comes in after the sign off, and is a self standing item…
Check out the new Archive Section
on the website where you can view past pictures from Engagements, Weddings, Anniversaries, Births, Bar Mitzvahs / Bat Mitzvahs, and many other Jewish Simchas |
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Parsha of The Week |
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As Rabbi Yossy “G” is in NY with the Kinus, I have used a Vort sent to me by the Mizrachi Organization……
Parshat Toldot
Eating it while it’s Still Red
Before selling his birthright, Eisav came from the field tired and requested from his brother, Yaakov, to give him to eat. Chazal (Bava Batra 16b) derive that on that day, Eisav committed five serious sins. These were adultery, murder, denying Hashem, denying resurrection of the dead, and despising the birthright. They also tell us that on that day, Avraham Avinu died and that the food that Yaakov was preparing (lentils) was symbolic of the mourning process. Eisav's request is peculiar in a few ways. He said: "Na (usually translated as "please") pour into me from that very red food" (Bereishit 25:29). Why would Eisav, who was at a spiritual low (even for him) say "please"? It's also strange that Eisav should make a point of stressing the red color of the food (a fact for which he was given the nickname "Edom").
It is possible that one question answers the other. Although the word "na" can mean, "please," it also has other meanings. We are commanded (Shemot 12:9) not to eat the Korban Pesach in a state of "na." That means that one must roast the Pesach until it is ready and not eat it underdone. The Targum often translates na as "k'an," meaning, "now." Those two translations are related, as someone who eats food that is not yet fully cooked is eating it now, often because he lacks the patience to wait until it is complete. This is particularly noticeable if the food in question is lentils. They start out red, but by the end of the cooking process they have more of a yellow color. Eisav was saying that he was not willing to wait until the lentils were done, but wanted them now, when they were not properly cooked, and were therefore red.
There are times when we too use na to express the urgency of our request. The famous prayer that we say in Hallel, "Ana Hashem hoshi'ah na" (Tehillim 118:25) is indeed a request for salvation now. But it is tempered by a second use of na (actually "ana") to mean, "please." So too was Moshe's request to heal his sister ("Kel na r'fah na la"- Bamidbar 12:13) both urgent but tempered by a second use of na. It was Eisav's use of speech, with the demand for instant action standing alone and stressed over and over again, which was indicative of his personality. He wanted instant gratification and was not willing to invest in things where the reward would be received further down the road. It is telling that one of the things he sinned in was in denying the resurrection of the dead. A person like Eisav was not interested in a reward that is so far in the future. Yaakov knew better. Eisav's coarse language and eating habits were indicative of a general shortsightedness.
As descendants of Yaakov and those who believe in the resurrection of the dead, we have the foresight to wait for the future. Hopefully that finds expression in the politeness of our speech as well.
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