Good Shabbos

GOOD SHABBOS
23 April 2009

Dear All,

The weather is E-mazing at the moment, and this is ‘Tukka’ a late summer……..after ‘our’ whole summer being rained out and some strange weather around the country, with flooding and fires…….and of course it was FREEZING on the day of Voting…….

The Rugger has really got exciting, with our two ‘TOP’ contenders, the Sharks & Bulls having a few ‘Hiccups’ the past two weeks, and the Crusaders coming up the log, with that GR88888 No7 Ritchie Macaw, coming back in full force……and even the Lions showing a bit of Guts and winning against the Reds……..We are going to have to watch the Brumbies, who seem to be getting into top gear…..
The British Lions tour is going to be very interesting, and Methinks we are in for a close series, with a lot of ‘skill’ coming here against the ‘Braun’ of the ‘Boks’…..

The Cricket ‘Bokke’ finished the Odi’s winners and of course top of the Log….and we are straight into the Indian IPL 20/20 ‘drek’, and I hear that the ticket sales are going well for the major venues and games…….it is very confusing, and by the end of the 52 games, hopefully we can distinguish one team from the other, and when soooo much ‘Moooooolah’ is at stake, I wonder if this is true Cricket…????

Cricket wisdom...!!!!
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important ….!!!!! (Oey vy…)

The Augusta Open was a ‘Miechel’ to watch, and the play off was something special, with Angel Cabrera finally winning it…..and I wonder how many of you realized that he had the SAA Logo on his shirt, as some BEE deal did a Scam with one of the Master ‘Gunovim’ @ SAA , and they sponsored Cabrera quite generously….must be honest , I cannot remember the out come, BUT….I think they got away with it, and besides Cabrera making a few $$$$, Methinks a few SAA staffers also had their hands in the ‘Cookie Jar’………Must say, after he won the Masters, was it such a bad choice to sponsor him .. Watch this ‘Youtube ‘ of an impossible ‘Golf Hole’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3_W_JryhR0

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Blue tongue.
' Me Gosh!' he said,
'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'What's his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

Our Local SASFIN radio DJ , David Shapiro ran the Boston Marathon this week, and managed to raise some $$$ for cancer research………he ran it with his daughter Karen, and it is quite an achievement…..Dave finished in under 5 hours…..42km (that’s like from Joburg – Boksburg )….he then moves on to Warren Buffets AGM in Omaha , Nebraska , which is always interesting….. Could be more exciting this year, with the financial melt down…… While looking at some articles on the race, I saw that Ernst Van Dyk's scored a record eighth title on Monday…he won the Handicapped section for an 8th. time, and is a Souff Effrikken…….Shakeach to them all…..

At five minutes and six seconds after 4 AM on the 8th of July this year, the time and date will be........ 04:05:06 07/08/09. This will not happen again for a thousand years.

The SASFIN / Selwyn Segal sports quiz is going to be held on the 4th.June, 2009. Further details will follow soon, soooo those that know their Sort, get ready and diarize the date……it has really been VERY well supported in past years, and they are hoping (planning) for another successful evening…………….
http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told,
"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. “ Next semester in her biology class. "

David Sandler’s long awaited follow up book, ‘’MORE ARC MEMORIES “is now available Jo’burg, .Durban , Cape Town. .It is also being sold in most other major cities around the world, in Israel, Oz, UK, USA, Canada, NZ.
About the book; You don’t need to personally know the people who wrote their memories and experiences…. it is well illustrated and makes fascinating and often gut-wrenching reading, especially the section with articles and memories by many of ‘Ochberg’s Orphans’, who were rescued and brought to SA from the pogroms and from war- ravaged Europe in 1920’s.
(It also includes articles which are written on some of their behalves by their children and grandchildren.)
There are new articles and experiences written by many of ‘the older generation of Old Arcs’, who didn’t have the opportunity to write their articles in the first
‘100 Years Of Arc Memories Book’ which was released a couple of years ago.
Contact David Sandler sedsand@ca.com.au or Jules Gordon julesg@theprepaidcompany.co.za for more info…….

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts,
"Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says,
"Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money."
With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out,
"A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?"
the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"

Mazeltov to Dr. René Heitner ( ‘Our Local Yiddisher Paediatrician’) who was recently awarded the prestigious award of an Honorary Fellowship to the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health. He received this award because of his ongoing work in the treatment of lysosomal disorders in South Africa. Tay-Sachs disease was the first of these disorders described followed by Gaucher disease
The award ceremony was held on the 1 April 2009 at the University of York (U.K). His wife Yvonne, mother Madeleine (who is almost 91 years old) and his daughter Nikki, flew to the United Kingdom so that they could ‘Kleib Nachus’. Rene has seen to my Kinderlach, and my Zunnelle Joel (29) still goes for Asthma check-ups…..and Nikki was a teacher @ Crossroads remedial until a few months ago….Rene, a GR88888 achievement, and Mazeltov to the whole family..
Pictures of the Award... http://www.stantgsm.com/list_pics.php

Little child's prayer on New Year’s Eve: ………..
Lord, in this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in dad's computer......

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny . So she said ,
"If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants." said the Little Johnny

Former Davidian Linksfield pupil Russell Fransman (1961), is looking for former King David Linksfield pupils and teachers, who attended the school from 1956-1962, to pay a world-wide 50th yahrtzeit memorial tribute, to the Late David Brown who passed away so tragically on the 25th November 1959, at the age of 15 years. Russell has been given two beautiful prayers by Rabbi Larry Shain of Ohr Somayach, that will be read on David's Yahrtzeit, by everyone participating in this E-mazing mitzvah, of remembering a wonderful friend who everyone loved and adored. If you or anyone you know, who you believe were at King David at that time, and would like to participate, to please contact Russell at his e-mail in Melbourne at rfransman@bigpond.com and all it will take is for the two prayers that Russell will send you to be read on the day of David's Yahrtzeit.
Russells other contact details are Melbourne (03) 95923494, or mobile 0400978871. Russel’s Boet Malcolm was in the Army with me (Lenz 1971), and was my next door neighbour before immigrating to the Land of Oz two years ago…Drop Russel a line…..

In a recent MORI On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy.
97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning…( Ouch…. )

Got an E-mail from Lynton Kotzin in Scottsdale Arizona . What a surprise…! ! ! I catered Lynton’s Barmy ‘Amolikke Yoren’ and knew his Late Dad Reuben and Mom Bella very well, and went on to do many Simcha’s for the family over the years……….and another Chaver , Leon Nowesenitz and his wife Gillian (Furman – Stan & Pete waitress) traveled from Melbourne to Scottsdale to spend Pesach with the Kotzin's (Kim nee Tosefsky and Lynton). …They took a ‘Stan The Good Shabbos Man’ Joke Book, which was enjoyed by all at the Pesach Seder……
See http://www.stantgsm.com/list_pics.php ...really a small ‘Yiddisher’ world, as Leon had two Aunt’s in Lichtenburg, Nita Kotzen and Mary Rozowsky, and Gillian and her two sisters Shelley and Nicole all worked with us as waitresses ‘Amolikke Yoren’…….

Three Georgia Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "
2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that? "

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.

Got a few good ‘Youtubes’.. Click here: YouTube - Holiday on Ice 1972 mazeltov 2 and a really ‘Lekker’ hunt by a Cougar, with a GR888 ending….
http://www.flixxy.com/game-of-survival.htm... if there are any of you who have not seen the Facebook version of ‘Pesach’, here it is……
http://9a4440c5.fb.joyent.us/haggadah/ultraModern2.php

Telfed are trying to contact these these ‘Yidlach’…“ Family members of Sidney Charles Joffe and Bernard Moshe Joffe – the surname could be spelt in any number of versions.” Kindly contact Tzippi at e-mail tzippi@telfed.org.il or toll free phone – 0800-997-495 at ext. 205.

A lady entered a jeweller's and said ……………..
"You sold my husband a diamond ring yesterday but it's the wrong size".
"No problem madam, we can adjust the finger size easily".
"Oh, you don't understand, you sold him a one carat size, and I take a five carat size"

E-mazing how Yom Ha’atzmaut is upon us already, straight after Pesach, at the Wanderers cricket Stadium….E-mazing how they got the stadium with the 20/20 LPA taking place … and then Diarize the combined community-wide Lag Ba'Omer celebration which will take place on Monday evening May 11th 2009 at the Great-Park forest. The evening will include live music, bonfires, entertainment for children and food will be on sale. See http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php

Grant Kaplan will be visiting the ‘Beloved Country’ in May, and they are free seminars…………and depending how the elections go, he could be VERY busy….see details .. http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php

About growing up in a Jewish home in the early 50s

The only good advice that your Jewish mother gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"
You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout “Are you okay?" through the bathroom door when you were in there longer than 3 minutes.

Your family dog responded to commands in Yiddish.
Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents and/or other relatives.

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
You were as tall as your grandfather by age seven and a half.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes: berg, baum, man, stein and witz.
You were surprised to discover that wine doesn't always taste like cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.

When your mother smacked you really hard, she continued to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
You thought speaking loud was normal.

You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a "Get Out of Hebrew School Free" card.
You think eating half a jar of dill pickles is a wholesome snack.
You're compelled to mention your grandmother's "steel cannonballs" upon seeing fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants.

  Your mother or grandmother took personal pride when a Jew was noted for some accomplishment (showbiz, medicine, politics, etc.) and was ashamed and embarrassed when a Jew was accused of a crime ...as if they were relatives.

You thought only non-Jews went to sleep away colleges..... Jews went to city schools unless they had scholarships or made an Ivy League school.

And finally, you knew that Sunday night and the night after any Jewish holiday was designated for Chinese food.
Zei gezunt.

Well, the next round of Elections were yesterday, and I reckon that when all is said and done, the ANC will come in VERY strong….even maybe getting this magical 2/3 Majority that they are pushing for….Methinks they do not actually need the 2/3 as they change and do what they like any way, and when one looks at the way in which “JZ” and his Chaver “Shabby Schaik” have managed to get away with some ‘Humungous’ things, and now they are ‘Meneers’……. The total voters looked huge and I am sure the ‘Men From The Ministry’ will come in strong, and the ‘Gunavis’ will start all over again, as we have ‘new’ Chaveirim that will ‘shlepp’….quite sad, and although Mbeki was not the greatest, he did keep a bit of order…..That little discipline will disappear by next month, and it will be a free for all……

I see that JZ has already ‘Shmeared’ the ‘Khamakazi Taxi Drivers’ ( Galleria’s’) and told them he would sort out their problems after the elections…….I am not sure what FIFA were thinking when they awarded us the Sokka 2010 World Cup…….by next year, JZ will have to pay off many organizations , just to keep them from making ‘Groot Kak’……….. As a person I believe Zuma is a ‘Happy Go Lucky Boytjie’, BUT……..it will need more than that, to get the ‘Beloved Country’ right…… Got a comment from a reader ;……
Enjoy the elections….. May the best ‘Gunif’ win....? BUT, …. somebody told me that someone will be “Zooming into power”   !!!

Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar",
the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays ...

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks:
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says:
"I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

‘Gib A Kuk’ @ some SOKKA 2010 happenings at ; http://www.stantgsm.com/list_jokes.php

FOR the MOST ‘Jacked up’ Yiddisher Wedding registry, ‘Gib A Kuk’ at ;
www.lechaim.co.za ………….Run by Young Yiddisher ‘Boychix’ ……

Mazeltov to Brian and Amanda Schmukler on the Bith of their Zunnelle in Tooo-Run-Tooo land they had the Bris on Shabbos …Mazeltov to the whole family on the birth of baby Daniel Benjamin …….

Mazeltov to Lauren ( Garfinkel - from Pretoria ) & Mark Sacks on the Birth of healthy twin girls………Mazeltov to the Grandparents Margo and Derek Garfinkel and Heather & Alan Sacks …they were born on the 7th Day Pesach—15 April. They have a dear little boy, Daniel, who is 2 yrs and 9 months so will be kept very busy. Alan & Heather were stalwart Tennis members at the ‘old’ Jewish Guild in Sandton, and Heather writes that she is also a Twin, which I never knew…….Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’…..

Mazeltov to Edva (Vorobiof) & Craig Sims on the birth of their Baby ‘Boychick’ in Los Angeles last week…… Mazeltov to the Bobba’s & Zaida’s Brian & Lynette Sims and Michal & Daniel Vorobiof and the Great Grandmother Sarita…… Remember doing Craig’s Barmy at the Simon Kuper ‘Amolikke Yoren’, and that Space them was still one of the best….Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’…..

Mazeltov to Dina (Kaplan) & Andrew Diamond on the birth of another ‘Polished Diamond’, Mackenzie …. Mazeltov to the Grandparents, Ronnie & Yvonne Kaplan and Michael & the Late Rosalind Diamond…To the Great Grand Parents Lillie & Louise Gelvan (Tooo-Run-Tooo) and the whole ‘Mishpocha’…. I did their wedding at the Joburg City Hall, which was the first ‘Yiddisher’ function there for 25 years, and it has become a venue for ‘Yiddisher’ ‘Ganseners’ again…… Ronnie & the ‘Kappie’ family have been Chavers of mine for ‘baie’ years …..Mazeltov

This is how I ‘smaak’ to get announcements…..every person is explained, and I do not have to guess who is who in the ‘Zooooooooo’….
Mazeltov ; “A beautiful boy born to Ilan and Dalya Freedman on Thursday night 16th April 2009 in Melbourne. Ilan ( an ex-waiter for Stan & Pete) now an Orthopedic Surgeon in training and ex-King David Boy (dux), is the son of Mark Freedman (Anesthetist) ex-Yeshiva College and Bella (nee Farfel), (Psychologist) ex-Parktown Girls…Dalyah (nee Ruch) - Speech therapist,
(from Boston), but originally ex-Johannesburg is the daughter of the late Stanley Ruch ex-Yeshiva College and Adie (nee Rabinowitz).
( Mark Freedman and Stanley Ruch were schoolmates from Clara Patley -> Bernard Patley -> King David Primary -. Yeshiva College) …Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’…………..
http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

Mazeltov to Lauren (Klotz) & Benji Raymond.on the Birth of their ‘Babbella’ this week in Melbourne………..To Bobba’s & Zaida’s MAUREEN & MELVYN KLOTZ & MAGGIE & RONNIE Raymond of Perth (ex Joburg)…….and the whole ‘Mishpocha’….I knew Melvyn’s late Dad Solly (The Don) Klotz VERY well and he was affectionately known as ‘Mr. Greenside Shul’…the Raymonds make Nougat in Perth, and I know them also……..

Mazeltov to Jeffrey & Zandra Sher on the Bar mitzvah of their Zunnelle Gregory this Shabbos at the Victory Park Shull…..Jeff has been one of the ‘Machers’ at the Shull for the past 25 years, and a Grayser mazeltov to Greory’s 3 Schvesters…..To The Bobba & Grandpa & the Whole ‘Mishpocha’…Mazeltov and have a wonderful Shabbos…….

It is with sadness that I write about the passing of my Mother In Law Beryl Abelman……..she was ‘Tukka’ the ‘Balabos’ and will be sorley missed by her ‘Kinderlach’ and ‘Einingklach’…….Beryl was born and bred in Manchester, and then came to Souff Effrikka when she was 22 for a better life, which I believe she had, and managed to bring her Parents and siblings here……..It has been a uphill battle the past few years, with her health, BUT…she was a fighter as everyone who knew her will agree, and fought to the end….To the whole family, my Sincere condolences, and a long life filled with Health & ‘Yiddisher’ Nachus…….. she was really a fan of my Jokes, especially the Mother in Law ones, and the ’Naughty’ ones.…… MHDSRIP.

Sincere condolences to the Hummel Family on the loss of their ‘Beloved’ ‘Oupa’ Hymie…..To his sons, Basil, Laurence & Mervyn……Long life…. Hymie and his two brothers came from Upington, ’Amolikke Yoren’ and the Hummel Broers played Rugger for Griqualand, and Hymies Boet was a Junior BOK….Hymie was the only ‘Yiddisher’ Captain of his schools Rugby Team……and when I went to visit the family, they gave me a letter that Hymie had prepared awhile back, and I have put it in the Info section….. I wish the whole family condolences, and a long life, filled with Health & happiness……see the letter at ;
http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php

The easiest way to source Simcha ‘Wekkers’ & suppliers is to ‘Gib A Kuk’ at http://www.stantgsm.com/simcha/sg.htm

MANTIS SECURITY TIP (Call 011- 487-1000) of the week;

Internet scams are becoming VERY popular among the ‘Gunovim’

Never give out your Banking passwords etc…..

Always LOG off the Banking site properly…….

Change Passwords & Pins regularly…….

If ever you find a strange amount in your account, notify the bank…..

Do not refund any money that was supposedly banked by mistake to you or overpaid and they seek a refund…99% of these are well though out scams….

Be ‘Wakker’ & ‘StreetwiZe’ all the time…………

Call; Mark Kramer @ MANTIS (011-487-1000) for advice and sign up and discuss it with his experienced staff.

Click here to view the website :

http://www.stantgsm.com
Have a peaceful, restful Shabbos….…

From Stan and the Clan.
smookler@netactive.co.za

PRO – Stan & Pete Caterers ( Corporate )
and Medical Aid Broker Supreme!!
Cell 082-4547860

Is your business in need of an innovative and professional website?
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The ‘Stan The Good Shabbos’ Joke Book is now available at Major Bookstores around the ‘Beloved Country’ and also on Kalahari.net …sooo get yours, and eventually when I have recovered my outlay, I can consider a second book….

CLICK HERE Also now available in Irvine at the African Hut www.africanhut.com

Please remember that the VORT comes in after the sign off, and is a self standing item…

Parsha of The Week

Parshas Tazria-Metzora

Rabbi Yossy Goldman
Sydenham Shul,
C/O ‘Beloved Country’
When Was Your Last Physical?

This week we read all about the Kohen examining people to determine whether they were afflicted by tzora’as, the leprous curse. It was a physical inspection which had spiritual implications. The person might be pronounced tahor or, G-d forbid, tamei, all depending on the results of the Kohen’s examination.

I couldn’t help thinking about going to the doctor for our annual medical examination, or a “physical.” We go through the routine check-up – height, weight, blood pressure, cholesterol and stress tests on the treadmill and up and down the little staircase.

But have you ever thought of going for a “spiritual?”

What’s our “height?” Do we walk tall? Are we proud and upright Jews or are we apologetic; stooped and bent over by the burden of an inferiority complex?

What about our “weight?” Are we on a well-balanced diet of Torah, the sustenance of souls, or do we suffer from spiritual malnutrition?

And how is our heart doing? A Jewish heart doesn’t only pump blood; it pumps warmth and love. A healthy Jewish heart is the emotional center of the person. It emotes and feels the pain of another. And healthy hearts are inspired by events that point unmistakably to the hand of G-d in the world. If we aren’t feeling what we should be then we might be suffering from blocked arteries.

When the doctor took my blood pressure, I immediately made the obvious connection – Tefillin. I remembered the story of the simple farmer who went for his first medical check-up. When the doctor checked his pressure he asked what that was all about. The doctor explained patiently that he was checking the heart rate. “But why are you holding my arm if you want to see how my heart is?” “When I check your hand,” replied the physician, “I know how your heart is.” The hand that gives Tzedokah, for example, indicates a healthy Jewish heart.

Then came the stress test – up the stairs and down the stairs, up again and down again, and again and again. How do we handle the ups and downs of life? Are we smug and arrogant when we’re up and dejected and depressed when we’re down? How do we deal with stress? Do we trust in G-d that everything has a purpose and a positive one at that? Or, do we become angry and bitter at life’s unkind twists of fate?

Finally, there was the treadmill. I really dislike treadmills. After two minutes I said to the nurse I’d had enough. “The doctor said you must do four minutes,” she informed me callously. “Four minutes?” I cried, “This feels like four hours!”

Life can be a tedious treadmill. We find ourselves running and running and getting nowhere fast. The treadmill, the meandering merry-go-round, the grueling rat race where even if you win you’re still a rat – all of it leaves us wondering what it’s all about and why are we working so hard with no meaningful, consequential reward?

So this year, in addition to going for a physical, why not go for a spiritual? Find a Kohen, a Jewish spiritual healer, who can search your soul for its healthy characteristics as well as your necessary growth points and prescribe a spiritual fitness program tailored for you and your neshoma. May we all be healthy, physically and spiritually?

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