Good Shabbos

GOOD SHABBOS
28 May 2009

Dear All,

The weather is still good for this time of year, and it is a bit cooler in the evenings, BUT……if I think back 45 years, and remember that the Comrades and Republic day, 31st.May, were usually very sunny days…………this year of course comrades took place last weekend, as the ‘Manne’ do not want it on June 16th., as it detracts from (Soweto Day)…….

Have a GR888 Yomtov……. Interesting angle on Shavous……… http://www.jewishworldreview.com/avi/shafran_them_us.php3

The Rugger Semi’s were ‘electric’ and the Chiefs / Hurricanes was an awesome challenge in very bad weather, with the Chiefs wining, and I did say there was not much between the teams, BUT…..the Hurricanes would be the better team to play….and of course the Bulls won, BUT…….I reckon if this was in Christchurch we would not have won………. The Bulls ,’In my opinion” ,never really got going, and it was that E-mazing 10 minutes before half time that saw them cruise in for a win…Against the Chiefs, they will have to be ‘Wakker’ the whole game, or else they are going to get a ‘Groot Klap’…..as I have said the whole season, Spies has been one of very few form ‘Shpielers’ and boy, did he play a blinder…Fourie Du Preez had a Blinder, BUT…’Bakkies and Matfield’ where not at there best, and I would bring in Roussow to start and ‘Bakkies’ as a run on mid second half……Bulls have to do a lot of Line out work this week, as there were far from dominant………Methinks, that with home ground advantage again, the Bulls must be favourite to win, BUT……Mulls Mulihyenna and Nonu will have to be taken out…….
We are in Seriaaaas trouble for the Lions tour, with soooo many Shpielers just not performing and of course injured..I say again, PDV will have to be ‘Wakker’

PDW ( Pieter de Villiers – Bok Coach ) went to Cinderella's ball dressed as a pumpkin,
hoping to turn into a COACH at the stroke of 12. ( Bittere Gelechte……).

This weekends Super 14 Final will be Reffed by ‘OUR’ very ‘OWN’ Yiddisher ref, Jonathan Kaplan who holds the World record for having Reffed the most Tests…..this final will add to his collection of all time GR8888 matches he has refereed…………..Mazeltov, ‘BIZ HUNDRED UN TZVANTZIG’

The Final of the IPL Indian 20 / 20 was VERY good and the two full houses at the Wanderers on one weekend was E-mazing, and I hear that tickets were going for over R1,000 on the Black market (sorry, BUT…it is the black market, even in Souff Effrikka…)…...what I learn’t from the 20 /20 X 56 games, was that GR888888 Cricketers were in short supply, and the Golden oldies like Anil Kumble, Adam Gilchrist, Mathew Hayden, Warnie etc…will be missed … as very few GR8888 players are coming through at the moment, and the Golden Oldies really took top honours in the competition……..for the record the Deccan Chargers beat the Royal challengers in the last over by 8 runs……in the winning team was Adam Gilchrist (Captain) and Symons , the rest being of Asian decent and the Royal Challengers had Jacque Kallis, Anil Kumble and Mark Boucher…….. The ceremony afterwards went on and on and they let 1,000’s of lit lantern’s into the air and had all the ‘Bollywood’ stars and some Local-Yocals….all in all a VERY well run competition by Souff Effrikka…….

Luke ''The Drifter'' says:
"We Americans got so tired of being thought of as dumb by the rest of the world that we went to the polls last November and removed all doubt."…..??????

The Comrades has ‘Tukka’ lost its glitter, and I reckon it is because there are no Souff Effrikken runners pushing for top places….The Reds (Russians) were expected to take the first 3 spots, BUT…..A Zim –BOB-Wean from took 1st place, and the Reds the rest………One has to really look hard to find write ups leading towards the race…really sad that the Heydays of Wally Hammond, Bruce Fordyce and Alan Robb have faded and the Race is just not so ‘ known’ any more to the general public…..the Runners still rate it VERY high…………….

The Manchester / Barcelona Final last night was soooo Drooooog, BUT….there was only one team in the game and that was Barcelona…….their passing totally outplayed Manchester, and I reckon that there can be no moans, like in the Chelsea game where they came back in closing time……Manchester will have to buckle down and do some soul searching, as they really played ‘Shlegg’……

Van Der Merwe (Van ) asks his buddy Koos:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which Koos replies:
"You Thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in The ‘blerry’ Boat……

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed……….
How could anyone stoop so low? ( Mmmmmmmmmmmm..)

My ‘old’ Hotelschool Chaver Julian (Snorr) Wolfson’s Zunnelle needs to do his second 6 month Hotel school training, and needs a Hotel to do it in…and ideas..
Dovi is about to finish his 3rd year (final year) Hotel Management from the Int. Hotel School in Sandton. He has to start his 20 week prac/internship from July 2009 in order for him to graduate in December…………. E-mail me at ; Smookler@netactive.co.za

A must watch is the ‘Mushugene Men’ Schtick……This is Seriaaaaaaaasly funny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgztF8Fp160

Have a Good Yomtov, and not toooo many Blintzes and Cheese cake……for a GR888 in sight into Shavouth, go to chabadnc@global.co.za

For the trained Musical minds.. small girl playing Piano with a BIG orchestra http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAhkh3xi1Wo

A ‘biesel’ Chazzonis by Cantor Zalman Baumgarten, brother of ‘OUR’ Local Rabbi Yossi……..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWuevg2Xmb4&feature=related
The Late Pavarotti would have been proud of these youngsters
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqUkUjeF4-c

Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on the farm.
For the first few days, his uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that Little Johnny was getting bored, and his uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, Uncle Joe had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go
Shooting?"
This seemed to cheer little Johnny up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, little Johnny returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked Uncle Joe.
"It was great!" exclaimed Little Johnny. "Got any more dogs?" (Eishhhhhhhhh…).

Popped into Jonty Strimling’s Barmy this week, and it was E-mazing…. Jonty’s Dad Mike Strimling ( ex Warmbaths) is a Gastro Doctor, and I reckon that every Doc , x-ray etc from Rosebank Clinic were at the function, plus many other Doctors…could have had a Drs convention also…….and then of course many, many Victory Park ‘Yidlach’, Past & Present………The Décor was really stunning and was done by Gideon…and of course the Barmy boy Jonty, helped with a lot of his paintings being used around the Hall…the ‘Marathon Man’ (Johnny Birin) was in top form and the function went on until the ‘wee’ hours of the morning…..
My ‘Cuzzie’ Prof Des & Beverley Pantanowitz were there , and so were Bev’s parents, Sonny & Marlene Cooper from Lichtenberg……..Dr Patel, who always seems to put me to sleep (Anesthetist) was there and David Marks (ex Klerksdorp-Stan & Pete waiter) was also there…..Yislaaaaaaaaaaaik, sooo many people I cannot mention all I knew………Dr Rene & Yvonne Heitner , Paulette & Dave Rothstein, Ezra & Lel Berger (ex Lichtenberg…) etc, etc….Mazeltov to the Strimling family on Jonty’s Barmy…Ruth, Barmy & Mike……Mazeltov….
Pictures ; http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

Oud maar oulik….
Trappe van vergelyking:
mooi; mooier; mooiste
wit; witter; witste
bantoe; tronktoe; parlementtoe!

Die verskil tussen die ou R.S.A. en die nuwe R.S.A:
In die oue, was plastiek sakke verniet en kondome te koop.
In die nuwe, is kondome verniet en plastiek sakke te koop.

Boer sê vir Sipho: Aiaai Sipho, jy werk stadig, jy eet stadig, jy loop stadig, is daar iets wat jy vinnig doen??
Sipho: Eishhhh , ek word vinnig moeg.

Yislaaaaaaaaaaaaaik, BUT.....the Manne are ‘Slap’….Merv in Irvine asked me to start a collection of way out places that have the ‘Stan The Good Shabbos Man’ joke book…..where are these fit ‘Yidden’ that climb Mount Everest (Oey Vy)…don’t be ‘slap’ and send me a few pictures from way out in the ‘Bundu’….I will take a few when in London & Israel……… The Helping Hands (Young Chevra) and Yad Aharon ‘Yiddisher’ groups are having teams walking in the 702 Walk The Talk, and are looking for some ‘Friss’ (fit) Yidlach to Walk in their teams, and of course it is a VERY good fundraiser for both charities……
See details at ; http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them .
Mum said . "YOU should say "NO" - they only want to look at your knickers"
Susie said "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag"!!
( ‘Tukka’ a Blonde in the making…………..)

Popped into the “ Tribute to Maria Stein-Lessing and Leopold Spiegel curated by Nessa Leibhammer and Natalie Knight exhibition which was opened by Esmé Berman…she also launched the accompanying book”…it was held at the Africa Museum , in newtown, and that is where the ‘old’ Fruit & Veg market was ‘Amolikke Yoren’ with soooo much activity….these days, they have redone the Market into a Museum, and I reckon the Museum as a whole is very impressive, and the ex Pats I have taken there have enjoyed themselves….pity ‘OUR’ Kinderlach do not go for a visit…could ‘Tukka’ learn and see a lot about Souff Effrikken history…….. The exhibition will be on for the next 18 months, sooo make the effort and pop in…Parking is right there…….brought back memories, and my Late Mom worked at Chipkins, which was around the Corner in Pim Street, Newtown……and of course my ‘Chavers’ the sacks Broers, had Turnfontein Wholesalers also a few steps away……Wolfie is in Melbourne and Arnold in Israel, and my ‘old’ Army ‘Chaver’ , Malcolm Fransman had his Motor cycle businesss a block away……the open area across the way the Museum is now the Mary Fitzgerald Square, and they have a lot of concerts there…….
See pictures ; http://www.stantgsm.com/list_pics.php

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband:What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband ! Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open,
Do it yourself.
( Awwwwwwww come on, do U really think……???)

Quite E-mazing how many ex Pat Souff Effrikken ‘Yidlach’ are going to Maccabi from around the World, and I received E-mails and phone calls from Chaveirim who will be there from Canada , Israel , London etc…..WOW, Israel is an expensive place to visit in Summer and of course the Maccabi Games….The ‘Manne’ reckon I am going to ‘Platz’ it is sooooo hot in the ‘Land of Milk & Honey’…..I booked my trip through Ashleigh @ Birnam Travel and she has been very , very helpful, in arranging everything……my last Seriaaaaaaas tour to Israel was nearly 30 years ago…..I have been through a few times for a day at a time, which did not allow for ‘Gibbing A Kuk’…..I remember going to Jonathan Adlers wedding 10 years ago, for 3 days……..

‘Uncle ‘ Bob from Zim-BOB-We goes to Israel……………….
Bob goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the accompanying people, 'You can have him shipped home for US$500,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just US$100.'
The Zimbabweans go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want ‘Uncle Bob’ shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?
With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, buy enough medicines to wipe out cholera, buy enough generators to never have blackouts again.'

The Zim-BOB-Weans replied, 'Long, long ago a man died here ...was buried here ...and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take that chance
(Einaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…………….)

I predicted the day we were allocated the Sokka 2010, that the ‘Kommies & Unions’ would have the last say, and with the all important Confederation Cup starting in less than a month, they are going on a ‘Moerse’ strike today, because they did not get their way with the Bus Driver’s strike, they have brought in soooo many other ‘Galeria’s’ to help get their way…….they called the strike off last night, BUT….I am sure have of them do not even know… not sure what the ‘TOP ZULU’ going to do with his supporters, because if he does not do as they say, they believe they can make it un governable in the ‘Beloved Country’…..The Taxi Associations have taken the ‘Balabos’ to task, and will soon start their own nonsense again………

Confused
I became confused when I heard the word ‘service’ used with these agencies.
South African Revenue ‘Service’
Postal ‘Service’
Telephone 'Service'
Municipal 'Service'
Civil ‘Service’
South African Police 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had
hired a bull to 'service' a few cows……BAM!!!
It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
You are now as enlightened as I am.

SPRINGBOK Pharmacy (Hope they do not have to change the name to Protea Pharmacy…..…) have been around since 1963 and have always been on the east Rand (Alberton now…). They offer E-mazing prices and ‘Old’ fashioned service, which unfortunately is ‘Tukka’ a thing of the past…..Manny Gien, the ‘Balabos’ have been in the PILL business for many years, and I did all his Simcha’s ‘Amolikke Yoren’….His Son in Law Howard Blumenfeld is one of the Simcha photographers , and his other Son In Law, Warren Goldblatt (Ogies..) is the Local FBI ‘Boytjie ‘…….they have another Son In Law In the USofA, Perry Diamond, whose Late father Ian came from Swaziland…….Gib A Kuk at the website on the Letter page….. www.springbokpharmacy.co.za

Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a Chemist.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the Mannie behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
Mannie answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Mannie : "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Mannie :" All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Mannie : "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Mannie : "Of course."
Jacob:" Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Mannie : "Yes, a large variety.....the works!"
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"
Mannie : "Absolutely."
Jacob:" You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Mannie : "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?"
Jacob says to the Mannie : "We'd like to nominate your store as our “Bridal Gift Registry."
Cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…!!!!!!!

They announced that Souff Effrikka, according to the latest statistics, WAS in a recession ‘Officially’ and the Interest Rate should keep coming down, which will again see foreign money leaving, as the rates are low, and the risks high……Oey vy, Cry, The Beloved Country, as I wonder if Souff Effrikka has what it takes to make a Financial ‘Comeback’……………the Harder it gets, the more the Men From the Ministry try new ways of OVER spending….and this weeks revelation that our Government Hospitals are chaotic, and that Hospital staff on a genuine WAGE strike, as they were promised more by Manto (Onions, Garlic & Lemon) Msamang….and the Manne want to ‘Sommer’ start a NHI (National Health Insurance), which would virtually take out the Private Medical aids, as it would be compulsory to contribute……..and if they cannot get the normal Gov Hospitals right, they will NEVER get a average (not even good) NHI going, and will break what is working at the moment, BUT….like the Arms deal, they were warned NOT to do it…BUT like Nike they ‘Just Did It’……and now most of those

Little Abe , 5 years old, walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand.
He walked up to her and asked, "Are you Jewish?"
"Yes" she replied.
"Do you know the Ten Commandments?"
She nodded her head, "Yes".
"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes".
"Do you keep Kosher?" Abe asked.
"I do" said the elderly lady.
With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my dollar while I go swimming?"

Few ‘Corny’ Shavout one liners…..not really jokes………………
Why did the Yeshiva Boy ask about Sex on Shavout?
Accidentally read the 'Book of Dr. Ruth'

What type of hotel room did Moshe request to God on Mount Sinai?
A Room with a ShaVIEWot

How did the Milky Way get its name on Shavous?..........Milk!?-Oy Vay
What type of car should one drive on Shavous? …………   A Si-van
What breakfast cereal is most popular on Shavous?.....Honey Bunches of ShavuOATS.
What game do teenagers play on Shavous?........ Truth or Dairy

Why is Shavous the official holiday of the desperate single? …… It's dateless.
What's the name of the restaurant that Ruth and Naomi founded?.... The MoaBITE
Why do we not eat meat on Shavous? ………      Fur convenience steak

Why is Moshe considered the most flagrant lawbreaker in the torah?
Because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
What type of coffee should you drink on Shavous? ……. deCALFeinated
Where did the Jews eat after they got the 10 commandments? ….. The Golden Calfeteria
Where is medicine first mentioned in the Torah? …. When God gave Moses two tablets.
Where do you go to see the late-night flick on Shavous? …..   To the moo-vies!
What did the rabbi respond when the congregant complained about a second day of shavous? ……   "It's just an udder day"

A Morah was discussing getting the Ten Commandments with her 6 year old talmidim. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

FOR the MOST ‘Jacked up’ Yiddisher Wedding registry, ‘Gib A Kuk’ at ;
www.lechaim.co.za ………….Run by Young Yiddisher ‘Boychix’ ……

Mazeltov to the Godin family on their recent celebration of their Zunnelle Daniel’s Barmy in Sydney….. Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’……
Pictures ; http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

MANTIS SECURITY TIP (Call 011- 487-1000) of the week;

The usual Yomtov / Shavuot warning;

Always wear some kind of reflectors on your clothing, so oncoming traffic can see you

Try and keep on the pavements although they are ‘Shreklach’……

Walk facing oncoming traffic where possible…

Try and walk in groups, especially late at night..

Remember the ‘Gunovim’ do not know you are not carrying anything of value….

Have a GR8888 Shavout, BUT………always be

Be ‘Wakker’ & ‘StreetwiZe’ all the time…………

Call; Mark Kramer @ MANTIS (011-487-1000) for advice and sign up and discuss it with his experienced staff.

Click here to view the website :

http://www.stantgsm.com
Have a peaceful, restful Shabbos….…

From Stan and the Clan.
smookler@netactive.co.za

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The ‘Stan The Good Shabbos’ Joke Book is now available at Major Bookstores around the ‘Beloved Country’ and also on Kalahari.net …sooo get yours, and eventually when I have recovered my outlay, I can consider a second book….

CLICK HERE Also now available in Irvine at the African Hut www.africanhut.com

Please remember that the VORT comes in after the sign off, and is a self standing item…

Parsha of The Week

Open the Book
                                                                                                                                B”H
Rabbi Yossy Goldman
Sydenham Shul,
C/O ‘Beloved Country’
I’m a little confused. We are about to celebrate Shavuoth and I’m told it is the Season of the Giving of the Torah. But isn’t there another Yom Tov when we celebrate with the Torah? Simchas Torah, right? So why are we celebrating twice? Why two Festivals to remember the same thing?
The answer is that on Simchas Torah we conclude our annual reading of the Torah. We end the Book of Devarim, Deuteronomy, and immediately begin anew the Book of Bereishis, Genesis. We have reason to rejoice at the achievements of the year gone by, so we celebrate.

And how do we celebrate? We dance with the Torah. Is the Sefer Torah on the Bimah? No. It is in the aisles. Is it open? No, it is closed and covered. Why? Because on Simchas Torah we are reminded that even if a Jew has, G-d forbid, not opened the Torah all year long, he still has a spiritual place in the Torah. Even if for him, the Torah has been a closed book, nevertheless, every Jew has a deep-rooted, innate connection to Torah. As the Torah reading of the day states, Torah Tziva Lanu Moshe Morasha Kehillat Yaakov – The Torah that Moses commanded us is the heritage of the entire Congregation of Jacob. Each and every single Jew, the entire congregation, has an intrinsic relationship with Torah - it makes no difference whether scholar or simple, academic or am haaretz - Torah is not the private property of the intellectual elite. Torah belongs to one and all.

But there comes a time when you do have to open the book! We don’t dance with the Torah wrapped in its mantle all year long. That is for Simchas Torah. But we also have to open, read, study, ask, learn and become more familiar with our heritage. We need to get to know Torah from the inside, to understand the Torah as a textbook too.

That time is every day. And the anniversary of the Giving of the Torah is Shavuoth. That is when we celebrate the Torah as a book of wisdom, as a moral code, an ethical system, and a guiding light in our lives. Shavuoth reminds us that the Torah is not only a beautiful, cherished ceremonial ornament to revere and dance with on Simchas Torah, but the source of all our wisdom, knowledge and understanding about life and how we are to live it.

I was present some years ago at a celebration to welcome a new Torah Scroll into a neighboring congregation. The guest speaker was Rav Volpo of Rishon L’Tzion in Israel. Let me share with you a very apt analogy he used in his remarks there. He told a story.

There were two sisters. One married a rich man; the other’s husband was poor. Yet, of the two, ironically, it was the wealthy sister who was the unhappy one. Her sister couldn’t understand why she should be so miserable. “He supports you handsomely. He buys you beautiful clothes, expensive jewelry. Just look at your diamonds. Why are you so unhappy?”

The wealthy sister replied. “Actually, I am jealous of you, my sister. You have a wonderful, loving relationship with your husband. Yes, my husband does buy me expensive things. It is true that he does spend money on me. But your husband spends time with you and mine does not.”

So while it may be true that we adorn our Torahs with exquisite velvet mantles, precious silver crowns, breastplates, bells and pointers, all the expensive ornaments don’t come close to spending time with the Torah. And the Torah is unhappy and cries out, “Thanks for the silver, thanks for the décor, but what I really want is you! I want your time, your brain, I want you.”

It is surely one of the sad ironies of contemporary Jewish life that this most educated generation should be so ignorant of its own heritage. How is it that we have produced the most successful people in the professions, in commerce - titans of industry - and yet knowledge of our priceless Jewish wisdom is at an all-time low? Why is it that our most brilliant legal minds have never read even a single page of the Talmud? Why should our most sophisticated computer whiz kids not know which way to hold a Siddur? Why should Ivy League professors be content with the Jewish education of a 12 year old and otherwise intelligent, mature adults satisfy themselves with the Judaism they were taught at nursery school?

So on Shavuoth we are reminded that we need to open the book and spend some quality time, some meaningful study time with the Torah.

Practically speaking, this is the season to commit oneself to a regular time for Torah study. In every community there are so many options to choose from. Wherever we are in our Jewish education, it must be ongoing. We must have fixed times for learning Torah and those times should be non-negotiable.

And because this is the Season of the Giving of the Torah, we are assured that the Torah will indeed be given to us once again if we but make the sincere effort to acquire it. Hopefully, this Shavuoth will be for us not only the Season of the Giving of the Torah – that is G-d’s job - but the Season of Receiving the Torah – that is our job.

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