Don’t forget TORAH ACADEMY are having their yearly Pesach wine sale…this year it is at The Priest, Harry and Nancy
 
 The old priest lay dying in the hospital.
For years He had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. 
He motioned for his nurse to come near.   "Yes, Father?" said the nurse. 
"I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest. 
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse. 
The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived.  Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy
"I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images."

Nancy couldn't help but agree. 
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy's hand in his right hand
and Harry's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. 
Finally Nancy spoke."Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose
us to be with you as you near the end ?" 
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." The old priest continued...
"He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

Had a chat to Darren Marcus about his License renewal reminder, and it is quite a ‘Jacked’ up operation…. “ It is a sad reality today that we can’t rely on Government Departments to provide timely and accurate services and reminders. This also applies to the Department’s ASSESSMENT FOR RENEWAL OF MOTOR VEHICLE LICENCE (Vehicle Licence Renewal forms) that is sent out by the Department using South Africa’s notorious and extremely unreliable snail mail. In order to help people avoid any penalties for late payment or hefty traffic fines dished out by the Metro and/or Traffic Police for out-of-date Vehicle Licence Disks, Q-ing Services has developed a convenient, quick, uncomplicated and very easy-to-use Free Vehicle Licence Renewal Reminder Service (can be found at http://www.queuingservices.co.za/goodshabbos.php ). The free no-obligation service allows people to complete a simple form and receive a free e-mail reminder when your licence is about to expire. This simple reminder service can ultimately save you many Rands in penalties and fine payments.”
OK, for the ‘Kaylikka’s’ like me, this means you log on and complete a few details, and every time a vehicle is due for a Licence renewal they send a reminder  THIS is FREE of CHARGE……..if you would like Q-ing to get the Licence for you, they will quote you…..Just log on , and get the reminder……This is GR888 for companies with many Vehicles…….Mainly for Local-Yokels…Click on their Button on the letter…………

What does a Greek bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?
A new surname.  (Einaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah……).

My mother-in-law needed a heart transplant but the doctors couldn’t find a suitable stone.

Yankel took his mother-in-law to the Chamber of Horrors at Madam Tussauds.
One of the attendants said to him “Keep her moving sir, we are busy taking stock.”

Although the rates have been coming down, the petrol keeps on going up, and we will soon be at R10-litre again, after a few drops for a very short time…..The ‘Mighty Rand’ seems to be staying put @ R10-$$$$, and this is surprising, with the drop in interest rates……the rest of the year is ‘gonna be ‘Tuff’, and the following explanation, is such a GR888 example of what is going on Financially..

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit . In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later.

She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). Word gets around about Heidi's drink-now pay-later marketing strategy and as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar and soon she has the largest sale volume for any bar in Detroit. By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral. At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on security markets worldwide. Naive investors don't really understand the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, their prices continuously climb, and the securities become the top-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, although the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager
at the bank (subsequently fired due to his negativity), decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. Heidi demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Therefore, Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKIBOND drop in price by 90 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %. The decreased bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans. The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment extensions and having invested in the securities are faced with writing off her debt and losing over 80% on her bonds. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 50 workers.

The bank and brokerage houses are saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock negotiations by leaders from both political parties. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by a tax levied on employed middle-class non-drinkers.

Finally an explanation I understand .....
When in Shtogg with the Tax man , call TAXRELAX…they will sort out the Tzorres 
www.taxrelax.co.za

I see that next week, Erev Pesach the Bus drivers are planning a Stay away, and of course that could cause a bit of chaos again, and with the month of April riddled with holidays, another day could be lost….a lot of Government departments are talking about closing on the 23rd. April also, in case the elections are not completed on the 22nd April, which is now a Public holiday also……only about 16 working days in April, and if you are a ‘Yid’ , much less…….??????

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
 Took her out with one punch………………..!  !  !  ! 

  My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
 "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

 I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
 I said "mourning."
 He replied, "No, just having a ‘Pish’…………..."  

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?  

 The ‘TAXI’ strike last week, was really disgusting, and even worse was the virtual silence of the Men from the Ministry……. They have silently said ’naughty boys’ instead of threatening the Mumzers…….not sure that these ‘Galeria’s’ won’t do it again…….and methinks that we are heading for ‘Groot Kak’ with the ‘Sokka 2010’ a soft target for strikes, and all other devious tactics…….???

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."!
A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Canadian doctor says: "In my country,  medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one  person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two  weeks."
A Souff Efrikken doctor: not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain - made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.

Did a ‘Locum’ at the raff / Furman wedding at the Alberton Civic centre and the Hall looked E-mazing……must say one of the best, for a BIG venue , and Kari berkowitz, who did the Décor, used a lot of candles, and we dimmed the lights right down, and it was ‘Lekker’…… The Marathan Man (Johnny Birin) really gave a GR8888 performance, and the wedding was very ‘Lebbedik’, and by having basically ONE speech, it really was a Simcha to remember……Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’……..  http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

 FOR the MOST ‘Jacked up’ Yiddisher Wedding registry, ‘Gib A Kuk’  at ;
www.lechaim.co.za ………….Run by Young Yiddisher ‘Boychix’ ……
Greg and Simone Jankelowitz in OZ have had a Baby boy…….. A ‘Gesunte’ Babelle by the weight (3.8 Kg)……..Mazeltov to the Bobbi & Zaida, Harold & Shelli Jankelowitz… and the whole family……..Harold is the ‘Boet’ of Raymond…

Happy 60 th. to Raymond Jankelowitz in Sydney Australia….WOW, the Jank’s have soooo many ‘Simcha’s’ which is a good thing……The Jankelowitz family were well known at the ‘old’ Jewish Guild, as their Late father Phil was the Chairman for many years, and then Raymod, Harold & Selwyn played and Raymond’s Zunnelle Steven was a top ‘young’ bowler…… Only Selwyn remains in the ‘Beloved Country’ with their sister Terry Kitay also in OZ…Mazeltov…. See you in the ‘Beloved Country’ next month.
Pictures ; http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

Happy  Birthday to Gerald Gorelick who is also turning 60 in Welkom……Oey vy, I am sure the ‘Kugel’ of Welkom, Marcelle will put on a ‘Lekker’ party for Gerald………..Remember doing a Barmitzvah at the Ganz home in Welkom (1972)…….(another life time)…..and doing Marcelle & Geralds ‘Gasener’……. Gerald hails from Windhoek ‘Amolikke Yoren’….Veels geluk Ou Boet……..

Mazeltov to Dave & Shirley Nathan & Judge Meyer & Gail Joffe on the Birth of their Granddaughter ….. and to the parents Martine (Nathan) & Alan Joffe. I worked with Dave at Pollack / Josset in 1972 for a short while….Dave has also been a Choir Boy @ Sandton Shul for the past 25 years…… ….and Meyer was the President of Sandton Shul …keeping it in the family…. Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’………….

The easiest way to source Simcha ‘Wekkers’ & suppliers is to ‘Gib A Kuk’ at http://www.stantgsm.com/simcha/sg.htm

MANTIS SECURITY TIP (Call 011- 487-1000) of the week; Going away for the short holidays……… Try always cancel deliveries of any nature….. And leave a few lights on…. Check that burglar alarms are serviced and working….. Try where ever possible to have some one keeping an eve on the house…. Hide away valuables in your house, NOT in your safe……. When you arrive at your destination, do not drop your guard, as holiday venues are also hounded by ‘Gunovim’ Watch how you draw money from ATM’s… Try and use credit cards, and carry very little cash……check all items going with are insured…. and OtherwiZe , have a GR8888 break…… Be ‘Wakker’ & ‘StreetwiZe’ all the time………… Call; Mark Kramer @ MANTIS (011-487-1000) for advice and sign up and discuss it with his experienced staff.

Click here to view the website : http://www.stantgsm.com Have a peaceful, restful  Shabbos….… From  Stan and the Clan. smookler@netactive.co.za PRO – Stan & Pete Caterers ( Corporate ) and Medical Aid Broker Supreme!!  Cell  082-4547860 Is your business in need of an innovative and professional website? Please contact RAW Media Concepts on: Tel- (+27 11 796 6671) | www.rawmedia.co.za

The ‘Stan The Good Shabbos’ Joke Book is now available at Major Bookstores around the ‘Beloved Country’ and also on Kalahari.net …sooo get yours, and eventually when I have recovered my outlay, I can consider a second book…. CLICK HERE Also now available in Irvine at the African Hut   www.africanhut.com

Please remember that the VORT comes in after the sign off, and is a self standing item…