Good Shabbos

GOOD SHABBOS
30 April 2009

Dear All,

The weather is again ‘Bakgat’ with Autumn here and the leaves falling big time…
E-mazing how quick the seasons change, as at 6.00 it is ‘pitch’ black already……
Cold winter coming Methinks……..

The Super 14 is ‘Tukka’ warming up, with the standard a bit better…..The Bulls really played ‘Bakgat’ and deserved the win, and even the Stormers held on for a much needed win, BUT….the shocker was the Cheetahs (Ou Vrystaaaaaaaaaat) who took out the Crusaders, and I cannot see them coming anywhere…….The Brumbies were given a ‘Groot Klap’, and of course the Lions, who did show a bit of improvement, went straight back to there losing ways……Just on Super 14 form not many ‘Bokke’ have put there hands up with much confidence…….and with the British Lions tour a month away PDV will have to be at his best to pick a team that will beat the Lions, as after the First Test, a loss will mean Total chaod again, so here’s hoping that he can put together a ‘proper’ Form team, and not include ‘Has beens’ and ‘Wanna beeee’s’…… another priceless NZ Rugger quote ; "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Jerry Collins)

With the ‘Rugger’ season starting to warm up, with the end of the Super 14 in sight, Start of the Lions Tour and then the Tri-nations, I have posted a bit of info on David Berman (The Rugger Bugger) http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php who actually does an IN depth report on various Rugger Games and is VERY good….. sometimes a bit biased towards the ‘Sharkies’, BUT….otherwiZe quite E-mazing in his assessments on Rugby……. You can send him an E-mail at;
DeeBeeRugby@aol.com …..

Must say this IPL league is a lot of Mumbo Jumbo, and the only way I can remember a team , is by a ‘Vicer’ that is in the squad, and it is very confusing to try and work out the teams……’Siuver’ (puer) Cricket this is not, BUT……..it is entertaining, and good to see some of the Greats still catching a game, like McGrath, Warnie, Gilchrist, Kumble etc…Gichrist has been in sizzling form…..and I suppose when it gets near the finals, the teams would have settled and make more sense…….If this is the way Cricket is heading…??? Oey vy.! !! !

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. ………………….
It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement...

Yom Ha’atzmaut was well attended in Joburg, at the Wanderers Stadium, and they really put a big effort into the Celebrations….with soooo many activities going on, Food Stalls (of course…) and Jumping Castles, rides etc……In the Major cities they had their own celebrations, and by all accounts was very successful…again a ‘BIG Shakeach’ to the organizers who have really uplifted the event, and of course the CSO ( Local ‘Yiddisher’ FBI) for their continued support and security for the Yiddisher community……My ‘old’ Chaver Erez Shaked, from Plett, did the Annoucing duties, and has not changed over the years…..Erez and the ‘FAMILY’ played as the ‘Sabra Band’ in the Late 70’s and Ayal started ‘Skippy & Doug’ and these days, they are spread all over, with Mickey on the Gold Coast in OZ……..Eyal actually runs the Codfather & Dizzie’s in Camps Bay…..Pictures at ; http://www.stantgsm.com/list_pics.php

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. ………..One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?' ………………The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

Stan & Pete are having a ‘Mothers Day ‘ Brunch at the Simon Kuper on Sunday , May 10th… For details see ; http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php

Got an E-mail from an ‘OU’ Chaver Melanie Golin ( Berkman ) in Melbourne….WOW, remember doing her Batmitzvah ‘Amolikke Yoren’….. and her Mom Bessie, I still see at Simcha’s….Bessie is a Sister to the Krok Twins, Solly & Abe……Melanie has continued with her travel business in Melbourne (she was In Vogue in the ‘Beloved Country)…. ‘ Taking off Tours’ and offers locals as well as Yidlach In the ‘Beloved Country’ wanting to travel , great ‘Deals’…as Jackie Mason says; Yidlach can only buy if there is a ‘Deal’…sooo nuuuuu, you can contact Melanie @ (Melbourne) 03 9521 1475 OR
melaniegolin@optusnet.com.au for the bests ‘deals’ in traveling……
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

These ‘Youtubes’ get more funny by the day……see “Stavros Flatly” - Greek Irish Dancers-Britains Got Talent 2009
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHvATmUsSg This ‘Schtick’ is very interesting, and Jules reckons that he is surprised that the commentator has not been ‘Bumped Off’.. …… so am I……….
http://switch5.castup.net/frames/20041020_MemriTV_Popup/video_480x360.asp?
ai=214&ar=1363wmv&ak=null
Jackie mason…The Ultimate ‘Yid’…
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=95771 ..

Bit of a ‘Skrikky’ ‘Youtube’ on Facts… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-3X5hIFXYU
The Jets ‘Schtick’ (not sure if it is ‘Emmes’) is really a ‘Lag’ ……………….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvY98WQ5n9g

New name for the NANDO’S whole chicken is the (‘3 / 3rd’s) Malema special….

It was said that a black man would become president "when pigs fly."
Indeed, 100 days into Obama's presidency... Swine Flu ! ! !

‘Shakeach’ to Steven leas on his Solo at the 60th. Anniversary of the Commonwealth, and his work was acknowledged by the ‘Queenie’ herself.;.see
For details , and news about the event….
http://www.thecommonwealth.org/news/190758/290409anniversary.htm
Steven was the ‘Chazzan’ of the Linksfield Shul ‘ Amolikke Yoren’……

Seeing it is a Public Holiday in the ‘beloved Country’ tomorrow (Wekkers Day), here is a Puzzle to sooth you http://www.fridaypuzzle.com

Oey vy, they have cut the rates again, and the ‘Mighty Rand’ is going down (depends at which way you look at it) R8.50…$$$$...very volatile at the moment (like a Yo-Yo)
• MPC cuts Repo rate by 100bps to 8.50%
• Prime to be cut to 12.00%
Brought to you by TAXRELAX for all your Tax ‘Tzorres’…… www.taxrelax.co.za

A month to go till the SASFIN Sports Quiz…. Which is being held in aid of The Selwyn Segal Home, and it is a GR88888 evening, with ‘Ruach’ and a chance to Network with the ‘Manne’….the past few years have proved to be VERY successful, and bookings can be made for Wednesday, 3rd. June, at the Sandton Sun already… already……see http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php for details.. I got my dates a bit ‘Tzumished’ (mixed up) last time…….

Mohammad entered his school classroom.
What is your name? Asked the teacher.
Mohammad, answered the boy.
Here in France , there is no Mohammad.
From now on your name will be Jean-Francois, replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home.
The day went well Mohammad? Asked his mother. My name is not Mohammad.
I am in France now and my name is Jean-Francois.
Ah, are you ashamed of your name?
Are you trying to dis-own your parents???
Your heritage ??? ………….Shame on you!
...And she beat him.
Then she called the father and he beat him very hard.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked :
What happened my little Jean-Francois?
Well, Madame, two hours after becoming French’
I was attacked by two Arab terrorists.

My ‘old’ Lichtenburg School Chaver, Brian Altchuler is given an Architectural lecture … "Evolution And Renewal - The Architecture Of Frank Lloyd Wright" at the Clive M Beck Auditorium in the Rabbi Cyril Harris Community Centre (RCHCC) at the Great Park Synagogue, corner Glenhove Road and 4th Street, Houghton at 7.00 pm on Sunday 3 May. This is a two part lecture. The first part is an overview of his vast oeuvre and the second part is a detailed view of his most publicized building ‘ Fallingwater ‘. Anyone interested in attending the lecture can contact Hazel or Rene at 011-728-8088/8378. Brian has done many lectures on various Architects, and will soon take on new research into Joburg Inner City buildings, and maybe have walking tours……..The Cyril Harris Community centre has become the Centre for all ‘Yiddisher’ lectures and get together’s and has proved very popular….. Brian lectured at Wits for over 30 years, and brings a vast amount of Architectural knowledge to the ‘open’ market, and has some E-mazing ideas……http://www.stantgsm.com/list_info.php

Peter Louis is a former Souff Effrikken Attorney, and has been in California for 25 years and can assist anyone wanting to inquire about Businesses, Finance, Immigration…or just a bit of General info......Peter Louis 858 350 3197 or E-mail plkeystone@aol.com..

A man boarded an aircraft in New York and took his seat. As he settled in,
he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was
heading straight towards his seat and, Bingo! She took the seat right beside
him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniac Convention in France."
He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
what's your business role at this convention?
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that black men are the most well
endowed when, in fact, it's the Red Indian who is most likely to possess
that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers,
when actually it is the men of Indian descent. We have found that the best
potential lovers in all categories are the Afrikaners."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said,
I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name.
"Running Bear," the man said...."Running Bear Naidoo, but my friends call me
Frik." (Yislaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaik……………….).

Denny has some reasonable accommodation during the Maccabi Games….. Anyone interested in renting a room with Double bed and shower, Use of lounge, kitchen . Reasonable price during the Maccabi games, please contact Denny
dennyg@bezeqint.net ...... Situated in Raanana,

Rabbi Peretz Segal from Yerushalayim gave a Shiur at the Sandton Shul, and this Rabbi has ‘Tukka’ had his batteries charged for a long time…and was very interesting to listen to….he is one of many Rabbi’s @ The Ohrsom Yeshiva in Jerusalem where my Zunnelle Martin is studying…….’OUR’ Local Youth Rabbi at Sandton Justin Treger, also studied under Rabbi Segal…….. Picture
http://www.stantgsm.com/list_pics.php Justin is the Zunnelle of Brenda & barney treger, and Barney was also in my Class at Highlands…….

Q-ing Services …. Don't waste time queuing for license renewals or other license department related services, let us queue for you and complete the process from start to end!....These guys offer a Free service on their Website, where you enter your License details, and you get a reminder before your License is due…GR8888 service, and they can also Take the ‘Shlepp’ out of Q-ing…Log on to ; http://www.queuingservices.co.za/goodshabbos.php and they will send you a reminder…… among their other services is ; BONDSMART, and if you click on the website, they offer Online Calculators etc , to work out the ‘Geshbon’ (Loan…) and you can contact them for immediate HELP…..
michael@bondsmart.co.za they operate thru’ the Big 4 banks…….. ‘Gib A Kuk’ on their website; www.bondsmart.co.za

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said,
"No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said,
"I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says,
"But you don't look like you are injured."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ‘Tochus’ from drowning!"

The elections have come & gone, and somehow I reckon that not much has changed, and maybe one of the Highlights (SIC) is that the Ruling Party did not get their much wanted 2/3 majority missing it by a percent or two…… The DA did well to grow, in the light of the ‘Cope for Hope’ (Oey vy) party coming aboard, and in my opinion did ‘Shlegg’ compared to their boasting, and of course every excuse in the book has been used, and I reckon that there will be no major surprises, except maybe that they are thinking of moving ‘Slick, Brick, Trick , Trevor (Emanuel) into a planning committee which might (??) cause a bit of ‘KAK’ with overseas investor confidence, BUT….I doubt it……… The Party has begun, with the Centre of Joburg being turned into a Disco on the weekend for celebrations, and then in May a ‘Moerse’ party is planned in Pretoria for when JZ gets inducted…Quite E-mazing that they did not make a Public holiday…???

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him,
"Daddy, what's Sex?".
OK, " he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my
little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.

Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can
also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to
describe the whole story to her………..
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..." (Einaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah..)

On a Seriaaaaas note, these Public Holidays are ‘Lekker’ BUT……..it is a wasted month, and Businesses are already battling with the World economic ‘meltdown’ and these holidays do not help…….when I was at school, we always checked the calendar for Public & ‘Yiddisher’ holidays, BUT….when one has to make a living, things get Seriaaaaas…………….

A Woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below
She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a DA supporter!"
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist," everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an ANC Government official"
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."…. Mmmmmmmmmmmm………………………

Got a ‘Grayser dank’ from David Sandler who came out with the second Arcadia Book….. “Please mention that PG my next book will be on the OCHBERG ORPHANS and that I would like to include the stories of parents who were part of the Ochberg Orphanage. I appeal to all descendants of Ochberg Orphans to make contact with me on sedsand@ca.com.au and to share the story of their parents for this new book……. Be like NIKE ‘Just Do It’…………

FOR the MOST ‘Jacked up’ Yiddisher Wedding registry, ‘Gib A Kuk’ at ;
www.lechaim.co.za ………….Run by Young Yiddisher ‘Boychix’ ……

Looking at Philip Carr’s website, I see that he updates his Simcha’s all the time, which is GR888, as I can see all the new www.philipcarr.com.au …..hard to belive that Philip has been in Oz for 11 years already….gosh I remember doing some incredible Simcha’s with him, and the Pokroy and Gutkin weddings really ‘stick out’……. Co

Mazeltov to Shery-Lee (Berman) & Neville Kaye (Klotz) on the birth of their Princess jade in Sydney…Mazeltov to the proud Bobba’s & Zaida’s….Rena & Errol Berman & Maureen & Melvyn Klotz (Melbourne)………Shery-Lee is the Granddaughter of Anne berman, the Doyen ‘Yiddisher’ residential hotels….’Amolikke Yoren’….Melvyn is the Zunnelle of the Late Solly Klotz (Greenside Shul..) Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’……

Mazeltov to Layne Hesse and Belinda Green who were married at the St Kilda Shul in Melbourne last Thrusday………. Layne’s parents Clive & Cheryl are old Chavers of mine, having grown up with Cheryl (Livingstone) in Lichtenburg, and Clive was in my Class at Highlands (1966-1970)..
They have been in Ozzie for over 20 years.. Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’
Pictures ; http://www.stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

The easiest way to source Simcha ‘Wekkers’ & suppliers is to ‘Gib A Kuk’ at http://www.stantgsm.com/simcha/sg.htm

MANTIS SECURITY TIP (Call 011- 487-1000) of the week;

With winter around the corner, it is time to check the Battery Packs on Alarm systems, especially the Emergency ones….

Check that you have rechargeable torches & lights and they are ready for action.....

If you walk to Shul, always have a reflector on your clothing, so oncoming cars can see you……

Walk towards traffic wherever possible……..

Try and walk in groups….. the ‘Gunovim’ do not know you have no valuables...

Be ‘Wakker’ & ‘StreetwiZe’ all the time…………

Call; Mark Kramer @ MANTIS (011-487-1000) for advice and sign up and discuss it with his experienced staff.

Click here to view the website :

http://www.stantgsm.com
Have a peaceful, restful Shabbos….…

From Stan and the Clan.
smookler@netactive.co.za

PRO – Stan & Pete Caterers ( Corporate )
and Medical Aid Broker Supreme!!
Cell 082-4547860

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The ‘Stan The Good Shabbos’ Joke Book is now available at Major Bookstores around the ‘Beloved Country’ and also on Kalahari.net …sooo get yours, and eventually when I have recovered my outlay, I can consider a second book….

CLICK HERE Also now available in Irvine at the African Hut www.africanhut.com

Please remember that the VORT comes in after the sign off, and is a self standing item…

Parsha of The Week

Moral is Normal
B”H
Rabbi Yossy Goldman
Sydenham Shul,
C/O ‘Beloved Country’
If anyone was bent on convincing us that Torah was old-fashioned, this would be a good Parsha to prove it. Leviticus, Chapter 18, contains the Bible’s Immorality Act. Our moral code, the forbidden relationships, who may marry whom and who may not – all come from this week’s reading.

We read this same chapter every year on Yom Kippur afternoon. And every year in every Shul around the world someone asks the very same question. “Why on Yom Kippur, Rabbi? Was there no other section of the Torah to choose besides the one about illicit sex? Is this an appropriate choice to read in Shul on the holiest day of the year?”

Fair question. So the Rabbis explain that this is, in fact, the ultimate test of our holiness. The most challenging arena of human conduct, the one really tests the mettle of our morality, is not how we behave in the synagogue but how we behave in our bedrooms. To conduct ourselves appropriately in public is far easier than to be morally consistent in our intimate lives.

Old-fashioned? You bet. In a world of ever changing, relative morality where everything from euthanasia to gay marriages have become acceptable, the Torah does indeed seem rather antiquated.

Man-made laws are forever being amended to suit changing times and circumstances. When a new super-highway is built, traffic officials may decide that it is safe to raise the speed limit. Should there be a fuel shortage, these same officials may decide to lower the speed limit in order to conserve the energy supply. Human legislation is constantly adapting to fluctuating realities. But G-d’s laws are constant, consistent and eternal. Divine legislation governs moral issues. Values, ethics, right and wrong, these are eternal, never-changing issues. Humankind has been confronting these problems since time immemorial. From cavemen to Attilla the Hun to nuclear superpowers, the essential issues really have not changed very much. Questions of moral principle, good and evil, have been there from the very beginning. Life choices are made by each of us in every generation. These questions are timeless.

So we read that adultery was forbidden in Moses’ day and it still is in ours. So is incest. But it wouldn’t shock me at all if the same forces motivating for new sexual freedoms soon began campaigning for incestuous relationships to become legal. And why not? If it’s all about consenting adults, why deny siblings? Given the slippery slope of our moral mountains, nothing is unthinkable any more.

Ultimately, morality cannot be decided by referendum. We desperately need a higher authority to guide us in the often confusing dilemmas of life. In Egypt and Canaan lots of degenerate behavior was acceptable, even popular. In this week’s Parsha, G-d tells His people that He expects us to march to a different beat. We are called upon to be a holy nation, distinctively different in this, the most challenging test of our morality. It doesn’t matter what is legal or trendy in Egypt, Canaan, America or Scandinavia. We have our own moral guide, our own book of books which requires no editing or revised editions for the new age. Because right is right and wrong is wrong and so it will always be.

A wise Rabbi once wrote that we mustn’t confuse “normal” with “average.” Since there are people out there who, tragically, may have lost a leg, this would mean that the “average” person has something like1.97 legs. But that isn’t quite “normal.” A normal person has two legs. When Torah teaches us to be holy and distinctive, it is reminding us to be normal, not average. Average can be rather mediocre. Just be normal and retain your Jewish uniqueness. It may not be easy. It may not be politically correct. You probably will not win any popularity contests. But you will be faithful to the eternal truths of life. And in the long run, you will be right.

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