Good Shabbos

GOOD SHABBOS
4 March 2010

Dear All,

The weather has been very ‘wishy –washee’ again, with hot humid conditions followed by Rain, which seems to be much more intense than previous years, BUT…it is good weather at the moment and I think we are in for an early winter , and maybe(??) a cold winter to welcome the Sokka 2010 World Cup to the ‘Beloved Country’.

The Super 14 moves on again, and the results were pretty much expected, with the Lions actually playing well, and could still win a game or two…..The Crusaders are looking GOOD and of course my ‘Man’ Ritchie Macaw is leading by example, Carter playing magic ‘Rugger’ and I reckon Chris Jack will soon show his greatness….. The Bulls / Waratahs game was one of the bets games I have seen in recent years in the Super 14….it had Kicking, running, tackling and of course coming from behind to win……..All credit must go to the Bulls for keeping the Souff Effrikken hope alive…….as for the rest…all I can say is Oey vey, as Methinks none of them can come right this season, and maybe the Stormers can come up a bit….the Sharks look terribly lost this season…..

The ODI cricket series is finished with the Souff Effrikken Cricketers managing to win the last game….BUT…going forward the Bowlers are a big worry…….and maybe a complete overhaul is needed to get the show on the road again, and of course ‘Captain Courageous’ has to go, as his leadership by example is very poor…….we came away from India in a maze, and hopefully they can regroup and start playing SOLID cricket………after being one up after the first Test, India went on to show us what Cricket is all about …could it be Gary Kirsten’s influence that has molded India into a hard working team….?????

Moshe and his wife Sadie, both in their eighties and a little hard of hearing, is watching a major golf tournament on TV.
Moshe says, "In my next life, darling, I'm going to have enough money to be able to play a round of golf on one of the spectacular courses, followed by a 5-course meal at one of the best nightclubs, and I’ll end up dancing the night away."
"But how will you be able to do all of that?" asks Sadie. "You’ve got such bad varicose veins that you find even walking a challenge."
"Darling," replies Moshe, "You didn’t hear what I said. I said, '…in my next life'."
"Sorry," says Sadie, "I thought you said, '…with my next wife'."

Supersport United Sokka Club won the league for the 3rd. time in a row…and Big names, Kaiser Chiefs, Pirates and Sundown’s could not topple them…….The manager of Supersport is a ‘Yiddisher’ boytjie, Stan Mathews, who has helped guide them to their 3rd successive win…Gone are the days ‘Amolikke Yoren’ of Highlands Park & Rangers who were run by Yids for many years, and had GR8888 results………Never hear about the greats of the ‘old’ NFL like Freddie Kalk (Toronto), Stan Jacobitz , Rafi Levi, Martin Cohen ,Julie Kaplan etc)….those were ‘Tukka’ the Goldene Years…….and the Sokka 2010 machine keeps chugging along, with the latest ‘Skandaaaaaaaal’ that the Bafana Bafana training ground was never really inspected, and is in such a shambles, that the Team will now train at Sandown School, which is down the road from my house, and I am sure will be better for them…Ticket sales have been slow, BUT…..I believe that locally, a lot will be snapped up in May……A big Mazeltov to Stan and especially to his wife Shardi & Mother In Law Margie Murcia who is very proud of her Son In Laws achievements… picture http://stantgsm.com/list_pics.php

Few odd adverts……
FOR SALE - Small herd of COWS - NEVER BRED…… also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! …… Must sell Hotpoint washing machine/drier £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . ….. Worn once, by mistake. Call Mabel..

And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER.Complete set - Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes..
Excellent condition... £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month and wife known everything.

Not everyone can attend Sokka 2010 games, and the ‘Manne’ have put together an E-mazing Sokka watching Venue at the Killarney Country Club, which would allow Corporate’s to entertain Guests (Clients) and Staff for certain games….They have planned the Viewing 100% and with each game comes a GR8888 meal , and ……’Ripley’s Believe It Or Not’ liquor also included…. And OLD favourites like Biltong, Droe Wors and good ‘ol Pap ‘n Wors, etc, etc…..
For details see www.kccfootballviewingrooms.com and contact me for further details…… OR Gregg 082-7769393 . Really great for 12 friends who want to watch 5 games, and do not want the hassle of choosing a home to go to…..a PLUS is that those requiring ‘KOSHER’ can be accommodated……Methinks this will be the ONLY ‘KOSHER’ viewing room area for SELECTED games…..

This is very interesting and not the ending I had expected!!!! (Kinderlach should read….)

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Texas town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller.
He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with Adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped
Talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular Basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family.
He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.
Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?.... ... .
We just call him 'TV.'
He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer.
He also has Kids called Mobile phones –Cell phones
( Soooooooooooo true to modern life…’Skrikky’…….)

I see that Joburg has arranged a few viewing area’s, of which Innisfree Park looks like a winner, being in the heart of Sandton, and all the Hotels…(must be 20 hotels within a few hundred metres of the Park)….and the other official park is in Soweto…..they are also planning a few smaller ones around Joburg……

A Yogi Walked into a Pizza Parlor…
What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill.
The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said, "Change must come from within." (Mmmmmm..).

Yislaaaaaaaik, just finished Purim, and Pesach is upon us…Mel Yutar of Park Avenue Cleaning Services, is offering a ‘Mitziah’ (bargain) on Carpet Cleaning for Pesach…… For a quote contact: Mel - 083 395 6007 / 011 483 3382
myutar@gmail.com      www.parkavenuecleaningservices.com see ;
http://stantgsm.com/list_directory.php and there are MANY other services available like Printing by “Say it with Style, Dr Hitch (if you have the Itch to get hooked),Homely’s (in the Shtetl) to get your Pesach disposables, Portable Looooo’s & Fridges for the Seder night….etc. ‘Gib A Kuk’….

A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a "shiksa."
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism." It doesn't matter," the old man said.
A shiksa will cause problems." After the wedding, the father called
the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
"It's Shabbos," the son replied. The father was surprised:
"But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted,
"Because my wife wants us to go to Shul on Shabbos."
"See," the father said. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems." ………….   (Oeyvevoy)…………

Farrel Sawitz will be visiting the ‘Beloved Country’ before Pesach, so anyone wishing to discuss going to Oz can contact Renata Vorster Cell: 0848 647 488 .. Email: renatavorster@yahoo.com   Farrell has been visiting here for a number of years, and is Tukka clued up on Immigration…can always click on his Advert (Migration Consultants) for Much, much more info…… http://stantgsm.com/list_directory.php

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?"
He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!" …….

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it…………..

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Purim was ‘Mighty’ in Joburg …and where ever you went on Sunday, ‘Yidden’ were dressed up for the Chag……..the Ohrsom one again attracted a ‘Humungous’ crowd at Gary Friedman’s HOD…which is the MAIN Purim Party these days, with 100’s (700) pouring in thru’ the evening….The Sandton Purim Carnival was E-mazing and a good time was had by all….. and I did a few Jokes for the Seniors at Chabad House, and there must have been 350 ++, which is E-mazing, as it is difficult to move seniors in big numbers……..Hopefully they caught a few of my jokes, and I did receive a few e-mails commenting on my ‘Mild’ Jokes and VERY appropriate ones, especially the Dr one liners, which I have put a few on…..see for the Sandton Shul Purim………….Dankie to Angela & Anne Brest for the ‘lekker’ pictures… http://stantgsm.com/list_pics.php Lovely shot of Sir Henry and his fair maiden Lady Fran…….

A doctor gave a man six months to live. ………
The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." ……..
Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 70!" "I AM 70!" "See, what did I tell you?"

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

Popped into the Michaels / Levitan engagement last week, and that was a Highlands North High reunion in itself…….Mazeltov to           & Ricky Michaels ..and the parents Helen & Michael Levitan & Alan & Diane Michaels……here goes……Helen (Berger) was at Orange Grove Primary with me…Michael was at Highlands with me, and his Boet……..Alan Michaels & his Boet Stan were at Highlands, as was Diane’s Boet Myron Katz…….and Helen’s Boet IVOR a Red (‘Kommie’ ) if ever there was one, and sooooo many other Highlands ‘Oaks’ Rodney beck, Mike Baum, Rebe, Ronnie Levy, Harris Levitan and many more……My Zunnelle Martin & Greg Levitan (Justine’s Boet) shared a house in London …and I could go on….Tessa, Diane’s Schvester in Durban is married to my ‘Old’ Hotelschool Chaver, John Goldreich…..Was a ‘Lekker’ engagement Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’……. Pictures; http://stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

Abe & Sarah, a very senior couple go to Dr Cohen for a check up ;
Dr says Abe, what can I do for you. ? I vant a Viagra tablet………….Mmmmm

Sarah what can I do for you..?? I need a Tetanus injection .. Mmmm what for.?
If his gonna take that Rusty thing out……(Oey vey)……???

This ‘Shtick’ is for everone….Size does NOT count….Have a good ‘Lag’
http://sizedoesntmatter.ca/media/videos/

A flight instruction worth watching……………………
http://www.flightglobal.com/airspace/forums/thomson-airways-safety-video-superb-27746.aspx#33820

Souff Effrikken slang…useful knowing during the Sokka 2010 World Cup ….
http://www.guardian.co.uk/travel/2010/feb/26/south-africa-world-cup-slang

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by a bull in the forest.
They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, the bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, ……………..
"OK, let's get out and get him"!
After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts –
"THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!"
The front guy says, "Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass, but you better start to brace yourself!" (Einaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah….)

Last week I popped into the Wachsberger / Katz wedding, and it was a ‘lebbedikke’ Simcha…….. Mazeltov to Nikki (Katz) & Gary Wachsberger …
Mazeltov to the Parents Robert & Barbara Wachsberger and Elaine & Hilton Katz…….The E-mazing thing is that Barbara worked for my Lawyer Solly Slom ‘Amolikke Yoren’ and helped draw up my Stan & Pete contract…..in 1974…..Getting old…..Saw Solly & Sharon Slom @ the Chasener.....met up with ‘Old’ Chavers Melvyn & Sharon Gutkin (Miami) and Hilton & Gail Nowitz (Atlanta)…….who came for the Simcha…..Melvin used to stay in 5th. Street, Orange Grove, same street as me, a few years before…..always good to see ex Pats, as it is E-mazing how we start loosing touch with those that have left……..met my ‘old’ Chavers Avrille & Joe Lep’s Zunnelle who is soon to get married in the ‘Beloved Country’ …the Lep’s are in London these days…..The hall looked E-mazing, the Shikker merchants (Liquid Chefs) were on hand to make Cocktails, and Zenith ‘Rocked’ …. http://stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

Isn’t love great?
Isaac has just returned home from work. He goes upstairs, gets changed into some casual clothes, then goes back downstairs into the lounge and sits down on his favourite armchair. He quickly starts to relax. Soon he hears his wife Ruth’s sweet voice talking to him from the kitchen.
"What do want for your dinner tonight, darling?" Ruth says. "Would you like some beef, some chicken or a piece of grilled salmon?"
Isaac shouts back, "I’d like the chicken tonight please, my darling."
Ruth shouts back, "I wasn’t asking you – I was asking the dog.
You’ve got barley soup tonight."

The Wits Medical students are hosting a Charity Ball in aid of the Wits Pediatric Fund this year, and are looking for sponsorship in exchange for advertising and our services to screen companies’ employees for blood pressure, diabetes etc. Please email claire@studydoctor.co.za if you are interested to know more. Now why would Stan The Good Shabbos man get involved…’Cause my Niece Mandy is studying at Wits and doing Medicine……..they are also running a Golf Day…sooo drop them an E-mail, they would dearly LUV to hear from you…Remember ‘Have a Heart’…………U might need them ….. ???

Plenty activity for the ‘Yiddisher’ Community coming up…The ‘Iron’ Duke Irwin Khoza is at Sydenham Shul, The SASFIN quiz is coming up , the Toah Academy breakfast with Gary Bailey ..see http://stantgsm.com/list_info.php and much more…..The SOKKA ‘Gees’ is starting to build up, and everything is based on Sokka at the moment…..

FOR the MOST ‘Jacked up’ Yiddisher Wedding registry, ‘Gib A Kuk’   at;
www.lechaim.co.za ………….Run by Young Yiddisher ‘Boychix’ ……

Mazeltov to Andy (Kilov) & Shimi Friedgut on their recent wedding in Sydney..
Mazeltov to the parents Esmond & Gail Kilov and Ady & Martin Friedgut..both sides are ex Souff Effrikken and to the Grandparents Solly & Brenda Abkin, Helene Kilov, David & Sheila Friedgut, Helen Rubenstein….Esmond & Gail stayed a few houses away from me ‘Amolikke Yoren’ and I did there wedding a few (??) years ago, at the Simon Kuper Hall…..and of course in those adys, the EAST COAST SOLE & Straw (matchstick) chips were Tukka king……These days, the Yidden are looking for ‘Ich vais nit’ (I don’t know) and it is hard to find…….The EC Soles are fast being depleted and I am sure in a few years, only the ‘Kak’ West Coast Sole will be available and of course the Lemon Sole (One guess why it is called lemon..) …. Andy’s Zaida Solly Abkin, was a well known Sokka player and then later a Ref of note…..Esmond’s Schvester is Felicia Kahn married to Stan, who are part of the ‘Grayser Kosher’ Caterers in Sydney…Passion 8 (Front Page) Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’….. http://stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

Mazeltov to Talya (Kobrin) has just got engaged to Rafi Masher
( a Londoner)…Mazeltov to the parents Brian & Debbie (Faktor) and Hershy and Toby Masher …. To Bobba’s Ros (Kobrin) and Sylvia ‘Nanny’ (Factor)…a special Mazel….Brian & Debbie stay in London these days, and I did their ‘Chasener’ Amolikke Yoren, at the Good ‘ol Simon Kuper……and Brian was an ex Highlands North High ‘Boytjie’……..Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’ and much ‘Yiddisher’ Nachus from the ‘Kinderlach’….. http://stantgsm.com/list_classifieds.php

Mazeltov to Adam Levin son of Allan & Tessa and Keren Dickman ( Israel ) daughter of Rachel & David in Melbourne a few weeks ago….Mazeltov to the whole ‘Mishpocha’….

The easiest way to source Simcha ‘Wekkers’ & suppliers is to ‘Gib A Kuk’ at ; http://www.stantgsm.com/simcha/sg.htm

MANTIS SECURITY TIP (Call 011- 487-1000) of the week;

All personal in offices and homes must not let in strangers, just because they are wearing uniforms

Always check for identification, even if it means phoning the company

If you are not expecting workman at home, do not be tricked into letting ‘Gunovim’in.

Always inform the Staff at home if you are expecting a delivery.

DON’T just ‘sommer’ open the electronic gates, ‘cause U think it is someone you are expecting?

Take extra care to check who you are letting in.

Many of the ‘Gunovim’ are dressed in various Company overalls, and once in….

Do not leave workman unattended in your home or office.

Watch the Laptops, when you have workers around.

Remember for personal protection for the Sokka 2010 Cup, contact Mantis for assistance

Be ‘Wakker’ & ‘StreetwiZe’ all the time…………

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Have a peaceful, restful Shabbos….…

From Stan and the Clan.
smookler@netactive.co.za

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The ‘Stan The Good Shabbos’ Joke Book is now available at Major Bookstores around the ‘Beloved Country’ and also on Kalahari.net …sooo get yours, and eventually when I have recovered my outlay, I can consider a second book….

CLICK HERE Also now available in Irvine at the African Hut www.africanhut.com

Please remember that the VORT comes in after the sign off, and is a self standing item…

Check out the new Archive Section
on the website where you can view past pictures from Engagements, Weddings, Anniversaries, Births, Bar Mitzvahs / Bat Mitzvahs, and many other Jewish Simchas

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Parsha of The Week

Rabbi Yossy Goldman,
Sydenham Shul,
C/O ‘Beloved Country’

Where is G-d?

So you think you’re the first guy out there looking for G-d? Sorry, my friend, you didn’t discover America. People have been searching for spirituality, exploring the metaphysical and generally searching for truth for millennia. Even the greatest prophet of them all, Moses himself, was preoccupied with seeking the Divine. Moses wanted to see G-d in all His glory.

Show me please Your glory, he appeals in Exodus 33. The commentators understand this to mean that he wanted it all, the ultimate revelation. Others see it as a quest for understanding the infinite ways of G-d, like why the righteous seem to be perennial sufferers and the wicked seem to be laughing all the way to the bank.

Whatever the meaning, the Almighty places limits on Moses’ understanding. You will see My back, but My face may not be seen. Finite earthlings - even a Moses - can only perceive so much and no more. The face of G-d, the ultimate full picture is beyond human comprehension.

A youngster was being given his first theology lesson and he asked Where is G-d? The answer he received was G-d is everywhere. That’s the problem, he said, I want a G-d who is somewhere!

Everywhere is abstract, theoretical and rather intangible. Somewhere, on the other hand, is more defined, substantial and real. Yes, Judaism definitely believes that G-d is everywhere. But even more important is the somewhere where G-d is to be found.

In Judaism we find a clearly developed infrastructure of life. There is a list of behaviours that are considered G-dly and another list that may seem a lot more attractive but is deemed to be ungodly. We know exactly what G-d expects of us – and what He does not. The Torah is filled with nitty gritty do’s and don’ts. It isn’t left to our energy levels on the day or what feels good or bad to us in our highly personal and very subjective mindsets. There are objective rules of right and wrong. Morality and ethics are in the province of G-d and are therefore non-negotiable. Contrary to current thinking, they are not meant to be decided by popular consensus. Oh, we can talk about it and debate the issues all night long but, ultimately, our moral code had better be Divine and absolute or it will change annually depending on which way the wind is blowing.

I was once challenged along these lines and had to think really fast. A congregant was appearing in court on a charge of some form of white-collar crime and I was called to give character testimony for him. At one point during my testimony, the non-Jewish judge asked me, Rabbi, would you describe the accused as a religious man? I was taken aback and somewhat flustered for a split second. But I held my composure and said Yes, your Honour.

Now, in Judaism, there are pretty clear definitions of what constitutes a religious personality. The most obvious one is Shabbos observance. The accused, I knew, was not yet Shomer Shabbos. So how could I have described him as “religious” – especially as I was under oath? The simple answer is that I was talking to a non-Jewish judge in a non-Jewish court. From his perspective a man who is a believer, comes to synagogue faithfully every week and does charity work qualifies to be called “religious.” The fact that my standards of defining “religious” are different from the judge’s didn’t deter me from answering his question affirmatively. And I stand by my answer with no apologies to the purists among us.

For me this was a moment of personal insight. Faith in general, attending Shul and helping out are all nice, but still somewhat superficial. They are in the Everywhere category. Keeping Shabbos, though, is more in the Somewhere department. It is clearly defined and absolute. It goes beyond the surface-level feel good stuff. As Jews, we require a more precise definition before we can really call someone “religious.” Practicalities not platitudes, action more than attitudes are the order of the day. G-d must be Somewhere not just Everywhere.

In the final analysis, it is when we connect to G-d by doing His will that we experience the greatest revelations.

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